sprigatito_bread

Over the past several months, I've been going down the privacy rabbit hole and started ditching centralized, non-E2EE services like Discord. I've been avoiding mainstream services and managed to coax a couple of my existing Discord friends (though not most of them) to use more private services like Matrix.

There's only one problem: Nobody uses them. There is virtually no way to meet like-minded people who live near me because there just aren't enough people or communities on there. Even on Lemmy (which I know isn't totally private, but still beats Reddit) doesn't have the volume needed to come across a lot of people who live near me. I want to meet people. I want to have friends in real life.

I don't live in an urban planner's utopia. I live in a car-dependent suburb on the outskirts of a city. You can't just walk outside and meet a bunch of people, not with all of the "get off my lawn" types everywhere. You have to go somewhere else to meet people. There are cameras everywhere, so you will probably be seen in most normal meetup spots. Not to mention all of the phones.

I hate to say it, but I don't see how it's feasible to meet up with normal people without some corporation or the government finding out where you're going and who you're associated with, at least not in the U.S. where I live.

If we insist on living as hermits who only use obscure Internet services, aren't we ceding influence to the exact forces that are ruining society in the first place? Aren't we at our weakest when we're isolated and alone, yelling into an echo chamber of scattered individuals instead of forming strong local communities in the real world and educating people who aren't fully in the know?

I'm not saying that these services don't have value; I'm just starting to doubt that you can make new irl friends and be totally private at the same time. Showing up to a meetup or event with a bunch of face-covering gear and telling people to follow you to a remote place where there aren't any cameras is probably going to raise some major red flags.

But maybe I'm taking it too literally. Maybe private services are more for discussing sensitive stuff with people you already know. That's why I wanted to ask Lemmy. What do you think? How do you approach this tradeoff between privacy and staying connected with everyday people?

I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.

My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.

Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.

The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.

It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.

Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!

(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)

The Internet appears to equivocate female dominance with a selfish, cruel, and controlling dominatrix figure. I'm sure it works well for people who are fascinated with power itself, but for me, I am interested in power only when it is used altruistically in the form of affectionate protection and care. I prefer something deeply humanizing, benevolent, and connected rather than something dehumanizing, malevolent, and disconnected.

EDIT: I'm also aware of the label "gentle femdom," but from what I've seen in practice, much of the content under this label is the same kinds of power plays but less overtly cruel. In general, anything that restricts or denies pleasure or hints that the female partner is emotionally disconnected or taking advantage of the submissive partner is a huge turn-off for me. I'm looking for something that feels romantic and genuine. It would be nice if there was a label that specifically implied pure romantic connotations and excluded edgy "bad girl" behavior. What I'm looking for is more like, as someone commented, a golden retriever woman who's confident and eager.

The hottest thing to me is a big cuddly woman spoiling her partner with affection and wrapping him up safe and snug with her body. She's totally in control, but she's devoting herself to her partner's enjoyment and making him feel completely loved and protected. She's effectively a protagonist, embodying strength, agency, and ultimate good.

And, I don't know. I guess I was just expecting that to be more common. Perhaps this is just a product of the fact that most adult entertainment is produced for mass consumption and tends to focus more on the visuals and mechanics of sex instead of the emotional side of it. But that doesn't explain the fact that there is tons of NSFW art for lots of different niches. So, I don't really know.

What do you think? Have you observed these trends yourself? Do you have your own theory? Am I just bad at searching? Should I touch grass? I'd like to know your thoughts.

I (22M) grew up in a rural-adjacent suburb where the culture was complete dogwater. My dad openly fantasized about committing violence against minority groups ever since I was a young child, and he constantly threatened to kill me if I ever turned out to be gay. The public school I went to was full of bullies who singled me out for being emotional and therefore easy to pick on.

I never turned out to be gay, but I did turn out to be very gentle and emotional. In my natural state, I want to be sweet and caring and talk in a higher-pitched, softer manner. I love cute things, I love making people happy, and I love fantasizing about big strong women who will protect and care for me.

I have had very few opportunities to express myself. Various factors like disabilities and my older brother surveilling me in K-12 school (by using my bullies as a spy network to report every weird thing I did) made it impossible to express myself without being abused at home for it.

In recent years, I have been able to spend some limited time on my own without constant surveillance. The people I've talked to, typically from chatting with people at various appointments I've been dropped off at, seem to have a very laissez-faire "be yourself" attitude and don't seem very interested in persecuting weirdos like me. One of them even corrected me for accidentally saying something politically incorrect. This wasn't even that close to the city—this was adjacent to the new suburbs that my family moved to recently.

Still, it's hard to shake off a decade of paranoia about getting found out and beaten for being, in my dad's words, a "pansy". I keep stopping myself from expressing any kind of emotion in public for fear of what will happen to me. Tomorrow is the first time I get to visit my city proper, which is said to be fairly progressive and has big pride parades every year (around 1 million people turn out). And yet, I keep telling myself that I can't because some fascist goon could be watching and signal to all of the other fascist goons to jump me.

Is it safe to just be me now, or do I still have to be very careful about when and where to express myself? I'm so tired, honestly. I just want to be allowed to exist for once in my life.

The other day, my parents asked me (22M) if there were any women that I find attractive (I guess because they're paranoid about me being gay lol) and I told them yes, there's a fair number of women that I've seen in public that I've found attractive.

They asked me, "Do you talk to any of them?" and I said "No??? It's inappropriate to approach women in public unless you have business with them."

I told them that it is only appropriate for a man to talk to a woman he doesn't know when the social situation is explicitly designed for meeting strangers—dating apps, hobby groups, meeting friends of friends, etc. In my view, cold approaching women you don't know just because you're attracted to them is harassment.

My parents told me that I'm being ridiculous and making excuses because I'm nervous. They are adamant that I need to learn to approach women or else I will never find a partner. I told them that times have changed and this is disrespectful and potentially predatory behavior along the lines of unsolicited flirting and catcalling. Approaching women is a violation of their personal space and could make them feel very uncomfortable, especially if they feel like they don't have an easy way out.

My parents are almost 60 and they are very conservative, so they don't exactly follow progressive discourse, and I feel like they're super out of touch on this as a result. Particularly, my mom tends to strike up conversations with other women in public, and she's skeptical when I tell her that I can't do the same thing because I'm a man and would be viewed as a potential predator.

But I also don't get out much, which makes me second-guess how distorted my understanding of the social world is from reality. My parents are like a broken clock, and sometimes they DO have a point about something despite 90% of their opinions being insane. Maybe there is a more nuanced reality that I'm not picking up on.

So I wanted to ask here. Are my parents out of touch? Am I out of touch? Are we both wrong? I want to know your opinion.

Circulation issues have been plaguing me for the past several months, and getting a doctor's appointment is taking an eternity. As I've been waiting, the issue has only worsened, to the point where I am ~~quickly losing sensitivity in my hands and fingers.~~ EDIT: "Quickly" as in over the span of a few days or weeks having cold hands, not hours. If that makes a difference.

As a cis male, this has also begun to affect a certain part of the body that requires good blood flow to properly function. Without an incredible amount of sexual excitement, it remains worryingly cold and lifeless. I'm enjoying what I have left while it lasts, but it would be horribly fitting for me to lose feeling there too before I can even set foot into the vascular specialist's office.

It's brutal. It really is. I'm in my early 20s, and this, on top of a multitude of chronic health problems, is hitting me all at once. I've never had a partner, but I was always so excited to find one someday. But now, things have just gotten a whole lot harder. (That is, except for one thing.)

I don't want to lose hope. I've already tried that in the past from my other health issues, and it only makes things worse. But it's kind of difficult to imagine what a relationship looks like without functioning parts. Especially when this doesn't magically make me asexual. I still want to enjoy some kind of sexual activity, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to do it in the way that most women who would otherwise be compatible with me are hoping for.

I'd appreciate any kind of hope or encouragement, or just practical advice for what to do if the worst comes to pass. I feel that this is a scenario that I need to be prepared for, because god knows that the medical system isn't fast enough to do anything except record the damage that has already been done.

Thank you, and I wish you all luck in dealing with whatever fucked up shit has come your way, too.

EDIT 2: You know what? Maybe this isn't about my junk as much as it is my entire fucking body. "Oh that's weird, the lack of circulation has spread from my fingers to my entire hand in a few days." Uh, yeah, you THINK? My feet are turning blue, my hands are going numb, my mouth is getting cold, and I'm worried about THIS? Maybe the commenters telling me to get care immediately have a point. Maybe I'm the meme guy who worries about the economy while a meteor crashes into Earth.

I don't fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I'm just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I'm a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn't hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I'm polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.

I'm not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I'm a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.

I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like "cute," "adorable," and "sweetheart," and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don't find it offensive or infantilizing at all.

Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It's rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.

This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I'm the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a "Christian" or "virgin" because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.

In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don't do "naughty" or "dominant"; I would view a partner's body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.

I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!

Whenever it's someone's job to help me, I think of it as an opportunity to create a bright spot in what would otherwise be a pretty boring shift. I make them laugh with my silly commentary, engage them in interesting conversation, and above all, show that I care. I hope it makes them as happy as it makes me. And if it doesn't, well hey, there's always next time, right?

I want to show people that there is still good left in this world. When social media blares humanity's worst all the time, love and compassion need to be loud, too. Cynicism, nihilism, and indifference have pervaded every aspect of our culture and, in my opinion, they just aren't cool anymore. Joy is rebellion. Kindness is radical. Optimism is counterculture.

It may be their job to provide the service, but it's my mission to provide the goofy to whoever needs it. Yes sir, I know this is a Wendy's, but I'm not going to let that stop me!

I always assume that my brain is structured in a way that at least 5% of people could relate to my general thought processes, but it turns out that some of my experiences of being a human are really just a "me" thing. I've often told myself that I'm just like everyone else, and that all of my personality traits are explainable by a mishmash of stereotypes and systemic influences. But I guess there's more to it than that, and I've been selling myself a bit short.

I'm interested in a wholesome relationship dynamic where the girlfriend acts as a comforting source of warmth, protection, and abundant physical affection. She's a cozy safe haven, wrapping her boyfriend in adoring hugs and showering him in doting kisses. He's gentle and sensitive, relaxing in her care and taking it all in, responding in an endearing way that fuels her nurturing.

It seems like the Internet's idea of a "strong" female presence in a hetero relationship is a dominant/submissive coercive femdom dynamic. That's not what I want at all; I want to see a female character who is eager to lead out of a loving desire to snuggle and care for her boyfriend—she wants to protect him, not exploit him. There is also no power imbalance or one-sidedness; while the girlfriend's doting affection is a defining feature, the boyfriend happily initiates and reciprocates affection as well. There are lots of open heartfelt exchanges, and it's all so subversively tender that it feels taboo.

I have never seen a relationship like this depicted anywhere. It took months of introspection and creative writing to work out the essence of my preferred dynamic and understand that labels like "gentle femdom" or "gender role reversal" utterly fail to capture the nuances of what I truly want. The romance novel and adult video industries almost completely alienate me. It feels like there is nothing for me, or at least no way to easily find it in the vast cosmos of the Internet.

It would be wonderful to find something, a book, some kind of show or movie, an obscure Internet board... really anything to scratch this constant itch that I have. Despite my mediocre skills, my own writing vastly outstrips any media I've seen so far. I'd love to see something made by someone more professional.

And yeah, mayyyybe I've dodged a bullet by being immune to the endless piles of sex appeal industry slop and provocative ads that deactivate the frontal lobe, but sometimes I want in on the fun too.

Every time I encounter another problem with my body that a healthy person wouldn't have, I'm always tempted to think to myself that nobody would want a partner like me because they could just pick someone healthier and more capable. I'm in my early 20s and my health is already getting a little worse each year without any real way to stop it.

I could tell myself that my unique story is compelling, and that enduring all of this hardship has cultivated a more powerful mindset than mainstream materialism and hyperindividualism, and that anyone who shares my values would appreciate me for who I am, even if it means potentially foregoing wealth and luxury. But I just wish I had something more to go off of, something a little more than just blind hope.

I know that lacking confidence and having an external locus of control aren't helping at all, but I find that I can only feel confidence and control if I have a solid, well-reasoned belief that I can succeed and my actions are meaningful.

So, I'd really appreciate any success stories, those who found love despite having challenging medical issues, or any good arguments you might have. I don't think there will be any one thing that does it for me; every little bit will help. Thank you.

As far as I know, the current culture around dating/relationships includes meeting your SO's family and letting them meet yours. And probably sometime on the first few dates, at least asking about family. Problem is, my family is batshit insane.

• My parents are in an abusive relationship and constantly scream at each other

• My father is a violent abuser who avoids talking to people because he can't even pretend to be sane

• I had to raise myself because most of their advice was hateful trash; they tried to raise me into a bigoted loner asshole who only cares about himself and ties his self-worth to pretending he's better than everyone else

• My brother is an emotionally volatile gun owner in a relationship with an insane psycho who abused her cat to death

• They all believe that people who are different should be suppressed or purged from society because God or something

I think at this point, my family may be too dangerous to maintain ties to at all. I really wish I could burn it all down and start over, but I might not be so lucky due to my fledgling financial situation.

Ridding myself of my family's influence has been a decade-long project that I've been working hard on, and I gotta say, "Your parents raised you well" has got to be my least favorite compliment.

Jokes aside, I'm interested in hearing about experiences from others in similar situations. How did you talk about it?

I feel like this is an unavoidable red flag either way for a lot of people (After all, how would anyone know that I'm as sane as I claim to be?), but I'd still like to find the least horrible way to talk about it without lying.

Thanks!