leafellis

i don't want to fgeel anything. i'm in so much physical discomfort right now becaouse i'm feeling so anxious and nervous abouto the fact that i should be studing but all this feelings are just making it impossible. i want to be so high right now just so i could stop feeling anything. i'm scratching the back of my head so much that i'm hurting myself and i'd want to punch myself in the face or bite my hands I hate that i can't stop this feeling. i only i could start studing than i'd be okay but no, because it's just a studid fucking circle that i am unable to break and it makes everything awful

I wrote this some moments ago, trying to describe what I was feeling. Sometime I get in this state where I'm anxious af but I'm also sort of calm. I don't really know how to explain it.

I feel like I have to keep myself together. Slow movements, short steps, a bit crooked, I tremble. My muscles are tense. Every problem I can think about is solvable, and yet I have this feeling that there's something big I'm missing. What if I get something wrong? It's the end. I feel like I'm falling to pieces. I'm going on by dint of duty: I have to send that email, I have to eat. I finish something and there is always something else, and it always has a deadline. I feel like I have to keep myself together.