latenightnoir

This is a weird deal even for me, so I apologise beforehand if anything ends up being unclear in the text.

For a bit of context, she and I used to be high-school class mates and got along very, very well. Used to hang out constantly, became very close, she even became my first significant non-familial, non-platonic affection (dunno what else to call it given when it started developing). Didn't go anywhere due to circumstances at the time (and mostly because I didn't even know what to do with it) but we remained close friends and grew even closer.

In our last year, though, I started dating my first long-term SO, and I drifted away from my best friend (ex was very jealous, so I stupidly reduced all contact with the people I knew would trigger that in her). We then both left for Uni (I moved to the other end of the country, she went abroad) and stopped communicating entirely.

It's been almost two decades since then. We'd met up a decade ago and chatted for a bit when she spent some time over here, but it was very awkward and, honestly, irrelevant as far as where we'd been before that. I was an emotional mess at the time, so basically nothing more than a steaming heap of vaguely antrhropomorphic meat.

Last week I got a connection request from her on my professional profile, completely out of the blue - for added context, my presence on Socials is minimal-to-none, mainly only accounts which don't carry my real name. I accepted it thinking nothing of it, then shortly after she sent me a message. Told me she started having a reocurring dream in which I was always present but wasn't talking to her because I was upset with her, and she got worried that it was the same in real life (I repeat, we haven't talked for pretty much two decades). I told her honestly that I had no reason whatsoever to not want to talk to her and that I wasn't upset with her in any way (never been).

We switched apps, then continued to text semi-regularly. It was awkward at first, lotsa' long pauses between texts (1-2 days) as we've both been busy, but ysterday we both caught a break and spent pretty much the entire day texting. Chatted about a lot of random things, about life, swapped a lot of music (I always loved her taste), basically got back in the old groove.

And that's the problem, apparently. I got very excited, she did, too. Also got flooded with memories of our dynamic from back then, because it seems to not have skipped a beat. Same dry yet goofy sense of humour, same wonderfully complex conversations, same feeling of it being safe for me to be open and honest with her. Conversations with her really are a treat, she always made me want to be better, to think harder and deeper, to be honest with both of us. We'd both remarked how much we've missed talking to each other even though neither of us had thought about it until now.

I woke up today at 4AM with a flutter in my chest and I suddenly realised I'm falling in love with what I'm now "seeing" of her. It's a lot of forgotten familiarity which still applies, apparently, but also the ways in which she's been shaped by these past two decades. We've both gone through a lot and did a lot of growing, but we're still very much the same people we used to be when interacting with each other. Feels kinda' like some old seeds finally managed to hit dirt and take root.

I don't think I want this, though. I see it as yet another hopeless romance on my end, and I'm very tired of these... I don't know how to proceed with the situation, to be honest. If circumstances were different, I'd probably shoot my shot and be done with it (i.e. be honest about my feelings) after letting things settle a bit, but given we're several countries apart with no plans of moving any time soon and relatively established lives, I don't see how anything would even be possible between us. I'm talking hypotheticals here, with the biggest one being that I don't even know what's going on on her end (although my naturally pessimistic tendency is to say "absolutely friggin' nothing, you dumb idiot") - still a bit blindsided by the sudden reappearance, yes, but I simply have to think things through clearly, which is why I'm considering every aspect I can think of. It does feel really nice having her in my life again, though, and I can tell she feels the same way about it. Plus she literally told me that.

To clarify, I'm not jumping to any conclusions, I'm not daydeaming about it, I'm actually in Hypervigilant Problem Solving Mode, because I really don't want to hurt myself with things like this anymore. This is a reaction related strictly to what I feel right here and now.

I ask and thank you for any possible thoughts, advice, anything you have for this.

P.S.: as another potentially relevant variable, unfortunately, I get over Love™ slowly, and it's usually a difficult process for me. I tend to pour all of my heart into the people I love (I'm passionate, this is how I feel it, not complaning or looking to change it), so it's hard to recover even after brief/light episodes. I usually need to play things tactically, and the only thing which has worked so far has been cutting all contact.

P.P.S.: I wasn't even looking for romance, ffs... I just want to get my life in order...

Bonus: the original version (the whole album's so damned good...)

Formerly known as Thee Oh Sees.

This is THE UT2004 Capture The Flag song for me.

Bandcamp: 👈

They're also entirely on Bandcamp!

My personal recs are The Early Years and Holding Hands With Jamie.