hayyy

Even though he’s not replying.

He’s got a fast car and I just wanna feel something other than this emptiness. Hollow. Nothingness.

He’s so sweet but I don’t deserve his sugar. I’m selfish. I just want to take. I don’t have anything for him but my dignity. He doesn’t want that I don’t think.

I’m addicted to you and you know it. Shouldn’t I get at least something good for that? I’m drowning in you. Your water’s too deep… but I want to swim. I want you to see I’m good. ————- You tell me to stop playing games but it’s just me deleting messages when I’m more sober headed. Need your validation

I feel so weird and lame and cringy and stupid. I’m talking to a married man. Jealous of how I’d see him flirt with the women half his age at work and I’m probably more bothered than his own wife! Insane!!! She’s probably living her best life and I’m concerning myself with this bullshit. Wtf am I doing….

Someone please Knock some sense into me

It’s like I’m carrying the pain of her husband being this way.

I think it’s because I feel like shit about myself and if they’re seen as very bad then it makes me feel better about myself. Stupid.

We talk on and off and he keeps bringing up seeing each other irl but idk.

Edit to add/ hes quite easy to talk to like I know him kinda easy and I’d say we get along ok. He said he loves me…

There are two kinds of men that make me feel whole/that I’m a fool for.

The flashy man with the charisma and charm and money and who’s probably unavailable and constantly busy. Older. Is a Pinnochio playboy. He satisfies me with his things.

And then the quiet but confident man who is fit and has that anime build and who I feel safe around and who is actually available and emotionally attentive to me. He satisfies me with his bod.

I want to be good enough for the first because if I’m valid to him that means I’m beautiful and unstoppable and safe but I feel I have to prove myself to him and he’d probably just trigger my bpd. And the second guy probably thinks low of me and we probably wouldn’t really cross paths but if he sees me then I’m kind and taking care of me.

I won’t end up with either though. I’ll just be sad old ugly and die alone.

(Don’t take it the wrong way if you have any of these things)

I’m left handed… Middle child… My name starts with “Sub”… My dad left when I was 1… Brought up in a cult… Im a 3/6 reflector in HD… Im an Aquarius-Capricorn rising with Neptune and Uranus in the first house… I’m mixed race…

bit dramatic but i feel like its the only thing im good at. comitting the 7 deadly sins. its all i live for. it controls my life in a way i cant see it doing to others.

lust. -i get limerent too much and too intrigued by sexual topics. gluttony. -im a slave to food. wrath. -ive lost it too many times. greed. -i have so much crap and am not as frugal as i need to be. pride. -im too proud to be real with people. envy. -i spend my life comparing myself, making excuses. sloth. -i bed rot. its not cool and girlypop, its sick.

should i just take the "medicine" and conform to eventually one day end it all myself? im not special or cute. i do suck. i think everyone should feel good about themselves, who they are and what theyre doing. do i feel good like this?... i feel like a stupid disappoint. take the meds, that will make everything better. wait til everyone you know dies so you can start fresh... thats not going to happen.

living like a zombie feels /comes natural to me so maybe its just who i am and i dont need to try and change that. everyone else is naturally who they are...

idk what im saying but thanks for reading my sad post.

i want him to like me because it makes me feel worth something. i dont need to work on myself if i have his attention. im good. i can submit my life to him but he doesnt want that anyway... so then what? actually get up... i have addictions- boys, wasting/spending money, the internet, food.... these are my vices. maybe i should trial a week without 1 at a time. lets see... theres always somethig that gets in the way. i feel like i have no brain and the world has my brain. everyone else has their brain plus a bit of mine...

i need to be better

I feel like such a shitty person that the only way I can really satisfy and be close to the people around me is if I’m on something. My aura is in the minuses. And I’m 23 so no excuses. I just suck.