hayyy

But I’m alone.

I don’t take it with friends. (It’s really popular where I’m from)

I’m just dissociated. Not got the excuse of k.

It’s not really like I can take something to combat this. That would itself be taboo.

…

The empty pit inside. I excuse my bad choice because of it. Let me just waste my money and time on things that will go nowhere. Let me have this food addiction since I’m too ugly and miserable to leave the house and you know it. Let me just doom scroll all day even though it’s making me worse, because let’s face it, it’s too late for me to turn things around and be satisfied with myself. I’ve given that role to other people. My sister. She’s the version of me I wish the world could see. The Galinda to my Elphaba.

I feel scared and slightly selfish to let my nervous system properly rest and give it what it needs. That’s a life I don’t know. Too unpredictable. And this is my role anyway.

I’ve got everything I could ever possibly need but a working brain and heart.

Looking back at my life, I cringe and delete everything, wish I didn’t do x or say that. And I eventually do forget and I’ll probably get dementia.

Cinderella is about a girl so alone she turned to drugs, she took the mdma she found from her sisters bag one day and suddenly felt happy got the first time.

She got all dressed up and had the best night of her life, even caught the eye of a wealthy prince. But things changed…

Before long, her reality started coming back to her. She didn’t feel so pretty or free anymore…

Fairy godmother’s don’t exist 🧚 🎃 🐎

Edit. It’s 2am. Just placed an order finally! Let’s see if it comes and works …

Gendergp is too expensive And I’m feeling desperate and impatient

Being single, I don’t have to worry about my boyfriend looking at and lusting over other women. Or not listening to me. Or judging me. Shouting at me. Calling me names. Threatening suicide. Or about his well being 🤷‍♀️. Keeping him interested…. The list goes on. Rethinking if being with him is really worth it…

But I don’t get cuddles, kisses, a person to go to and be with.

I always thought, “I need to focus on my friendships before getting with a guy” friends are the foundation. I wouldn’t be with me if I was a guy. I’m pretty boring. Not got anything going on. But Yh. Even though I’m currently single, I’ve not used my single time to work on my self and my life and improving it.

I do romanticise having an fp that I can run away with but. Maybe this is it.

I live on my grandmother’s land

She sees what I see, what I do… There’s no hiding from her. But I want to (?)

She works hard everyday in ways I never could, I owe her so much

She’s the ultimate woman, the true mother nurturer, Or is it some illusion I’ve convinced myself of?

I need to see others as good and myself as bad, She’s all I wish I could be, I wonder if she ever feels the same about me…

There’s no escaping family, I need her more than I’m willing to admit

Cut the cord and let’s be free, But will that shatter the perfect image?

Im not sure I’m ready for that To see things for what they truly are

Are you an Angel or something entirely different

Im confused Are you too?

Am I the crazy one or is it you?

I wonder what it’s like, To be you.

Sometimes I think if/when you die I’ll finally get some of your charm, morbid thought but probably not. I can’t see my life without you in it. With you dead and gone. We’re one and the same. I think maybe my life is like your death.

I’m so hungry so I stuff my face but it doesn’t work, I need what you’ve got but I’m no where near as smart as you or is that just another silly excuse?

So comfortable so complacent so familiar. It’s like a trap.

Give up my soul to let yours shine through my eyes

I’m doing you a favour as you do me. Where’s the grey?

I can’t truly be comfortable here, in my soul. Are you?

Maybe I’m meant to live vicariously through you, Forget about my own life

When will it all come crashing down

I feel dirty like I need to cleanse my soul, so I take this pill. But it does the opposite…

(Not sure if this is allowed here but need some help/support)

Update 2/ getting a blood test tomorrow which includes hormone testing…thank you for your comments and help :) Update/ just about to go for a GP appointment regarding “early menopause”. If anyone has any advice on what I can say to help my case I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

ETA- I’m in the UK. Anyone have any info or advice is welcomed. Edit 2- I just asked my GP about getting my hormones tested…waiting on their response e3- also my dad made a comment saying I look trans a couple yrs ago and he’s not wrong tbh. It’s so hard not comparing myself to my sisters especially and other women in my family.

I don’t feel like a natural woman. Like the Portishead song “I just wanna be a woman”…

I just wanna feel like the the other women in my family and the gender I was assigned at birth but I just feel like the grinch. I literally feel like my body is all wrong and I can’t just “accept” it and be grateful.

Mtf (in my case, masc to femme) I probably have hormonal imbalances or something. My life is awful. If y’all can take it at the ages you do, I feel like I should be allowed to at 23…

Euthanasia is on the cards atp…I just wanna stop feeling worthless

Dk the correct place to post this but…..Yh

I feel like 💩 everyday. The ugly duckling out of my sisters. The freak of the family.

I hate feeling too ugly to actually do anything everyday. See anyone one…and like I’m just wasting my life away

I hope I get approved for it. It feels a bit like The Substance and that movie freaked me out.

Any info on the topic would be helpful especially if you have personal experience or are in a similar boat.

Edit: a few months ago I was talking with my brother who’s a couple yrs younger about taking testosterone cuz I saw a video of a gym girl saying she’d taken it and thought it might help me and he said best not to cuz once you take it you can never say you’re “natty”…

That’s what it comes down to. Your predisposed mental habits. How mentally fit are you? How creatively can you think to overcome a tough situation?

Edit: Personally I find this reframe helpful