erebus

A while back, I posted this.

tl;dr: It actually turned out to be kind of moot because his employer is now trying to enforce RTO once a week. So we're back in VA. But that didn't happen until several months later, by which point we'd already hashed it out.

Both of us were feeling unheard and, TBH I wasn't in the best place mentally because of stress related to an ongoing project at my job that took up almost all of last year. There were also some issues with my access to ADHD medication and the dose needed to be increased. I was drinking 6-8 cans of sugar-free Red Bull a day to self-medicate, which worsened an already vicious cycle.

I think what finally got him to understand where I was coming from was when I lost my insurance due to my COBRA eligibility expiring last November. I'd seen it coming for months, and had been looking for a job since May. The insurance I would've been offered through my job at the time had a very high deductible, was expensive, and covered less. Even the best individual options on the exchange in KY are barely better than nothing, let alone compared to the insurance I had.

The cratering of the job market in big tech added to an already difficult challenge. After all, the thinking goes, if there's available talent in more "desirable" locations, why bother taking a chance on someone in the boonies? I wanted to stay in big tech not just for the paycheck, but mostly because my skills are pretty niche and I didn't want to have to learn things in which I had no interest just to get a job at a company that pays 50-60% less and thinks that they're doing me a favor by "allowing" me to work from home twice a week.

I got an offer in November, but with a January start date, so there was still a gap in coverage. My savings were able to pay for everything out of pocket, including the $400 generic version of one of my meds. But it obviously caused a lot of stress. Seeing my efforts to avoid that and still having to stress out over something that he said would "turn out fine" clued him in a little bit and got him to realize that maybe I wasn't catastrophizing.

This job pays a little less, but is much less stressful and is a good opportunity to work in an area in which I have little experience. It's at a nonprofit, so my skills are being used for good, which is nice.

With regard to our dynamic, I needed to own my reluctance to engage with anyone outside the house. I started volunteering at the local animal shelter, which helped a lot more than I ever thought it would. Both of us started small group workout classes at a small gym, so that also nudged me a bit more out of my shell. By the time he got the word about RTO, I'd become a bit attached to where we were (plus, I'd taken that job thinking that we were in KY for the long haul), so I was sad to leave.

He did try to find something else, and ran into a problem similar to what I'd encountered: low salaries for his level and type of experience and limited upward career prospects. I didn't and would never wish that on him, but I think he better understands that I wasn't being picky or acting in bad faith when deciding where to apply and where to interview.

My boyfriend (33) and I (38) have been together for almost four years. We were one of those early couples during COVID who decided to cohabitate sooner than we would normally have preferred. I was living in San Francisco and he was in Northern Virginia. I drove cross-country with my cat and most the valuable possessions I could fit into a sedan to move in with him.

Things have gone well, with one exception: we haven't decided where we are going to live for the long term. Last year, we moved from Northern Virginia back to his home state because his mother was ill. His state is in the US South and borders my home state. We have very different views on our region of origin.

As a kid, I dreamt of leaving Tennessee before I knew I was gay. I realized I was irreligious in middle school, so I'm sure you can imagine what it was like going to a public high school that had a course that taught the bible as literal truth and a baccalaureate service at a Southern Baptist church that was paid for by the mandatory cap-and-gown rental fees. Moving to Atlanta was marginally better, but moving to SF was like escaping hell.

He, on the other hand, loves this region and his home state. He grew up in Appalachia, was very involved in his church and was even semi-out at his church. He feared his dad learning that he was gay more than he was afraid of anyone at church finding out. After his dad died, that was obviously no longer an issue, so he's completely out to his family and they accept our relationship.

It was my suggestion that we move here, though we considered Atlanta and Richmond, VA. The rationale was that he really wanted to move back home and that he missed his family. Throughout our relationship, he was always upfront about planning to move back home at some point. Ultimately, I wanted to rip off the band-aid sooner so that if things didn't work out, we'd still be young enough to have an easier time finding new partners. I saw no point in prolonging what may be inevitable.

I don't hate it here, but I'm also very introverted and on the spectrum, so I can go a long time without face-to-face contact with strangers. I've leaned in to my hobbies, which are all solitary in nature. I find it tolerable because I don't have to interact with the local culture.

He loves it here; since we moved back, his mental and physical health have improved. He's very much an extrovert, so he's joined an affirming church and gotten involved with it. He's also reconnected with old friends. I mention this because there's a bit of tension about the fact that he'll invite me to events and gatherings and I always say no. Since he's asked me this, I have been honest about the fact that I was not like this in SF or Atlanta; I was much more interested in socializing and going to events, far more so in SF.

There's an unspoken understanding that we'll likely have to move somewhere else due to his job or my career. I'm a contractor at a big tech company; going full-time would require relocation. I've been looking for a more stable job for a few months but the market is terrible and companies are much pickier than they were before COVID. I have no interest in working for a non-tech company or any company not based on the West Coast; I've done that before and found it rife with social BS. It's been years since I had to deal with the implicit expectation that I must be interested in organized sports because I'm a masculine-presenting man who regularly works out.

tl;dr: my partner and I have had variations on the same fight (where to live long-term) for the past 3 years or so . We've made progress but haven't come to a real resolution. It's complicated by the fact that even though we're in a relatively big city, there's no tech industry to speak of here and I've lost out on at least one opportunity because of our location. Is it time to consider ending things or am I being a worry-wart?

tl;dr: are there any steel mace or steel club workshops or classes in or close to Northern Kentucky? I’ve tried to find them via searches on DuckDuckGo and Google; the closest I could find is a weekend workshop in October, but it’s in Pittsburgh, which is several hours away from me. I’m willing to travel, but would obviously prefer to save time and fuel if there are closer options.

The rest: Several weeks ago, I became really interested in steel club and mace workouts. I have mobility issues in one shoulder and also want to improve my grip strength so that I can make more progress with my kettlebell workouts. I’ve been using YouTube videos and resources from Onnit to learn proper form and fundamental movements and have made some progress. I use an iPad to practice and critique my form ( I record myself in slo-mo and compare it frame-by-frame) However, I would like some in-person instruction because I’m afraid of unknowingly learning bad habits.