drbollocks

i think of how an abusive bully might see a dog and how it’s comparable to how they see me. weak, submissive, “stupid”, loves the person no matter what and obedient till the end.

to them, at least, i’ll always be seen as stupid for my kindness. a (r-slur) less than human.

a child mentally much younger than 18 despite acting my age and functioning as someone my age.

i have ptsd and some of her behavior triggers it. not only is part of my trauma being repeatedly discriminated against but shes repeatedly done this for years after i formed a bond and later a trauma bond with her.

no more chances. i hate her. she doesn’t deserve an ounce of my forgiveness or love or empathy. she refuses to change. she abused me for years.

i hope she suffers from guilt or consequences for years.

if i have any sort of interest in anything, be it a tv show, motivation for a project, a collection, etc. even if i only mention it once, i’m suddenly obsessed.

i should just give up if my plan involves many steps.

i’ve been treated badly by a “friend” for years but i’m still tempted to stay due to having a trauma bond i’m trying to break off. i mentioned once what they said to me (which is what they said in a previous post) and one of my family members said i was obsessed with them and to “just not be upset”, “why was i so insecure”, “i wasn’t abused”, etc.

i can’t mention anything to this person without him making a comment and then he asks why i don’t talk to him

i have two friends who i’ve known since my freshman year, i’ll call them e and k. of course, since i’ve known them for so long, i’ve trusted them with a certain thing: i’m autistic.

however, e and k (especially e), although usually nice people who include me and stuff, i feel like they just pity me and tend to make autism my entire identity.

i understand that both girls didn’t grow up with many friends due to being seen as “strange”, and are therefore quite cynical and lost hope about people.

in sophomore year when i confessed that i liked e: “sorry, i’m not into your kind of people.”

“how come people absolutely despise [me]? she’s so nice but people hate her for having tics and being autistic.”

“don’t be friends with them! they hate you, you know because they think you’re ret4rded.”

she’s gotten nicer now, and i know that e and k were trying to be nice about it and less blunt (that’s what they said and that they were quoting them, not saying so themselves), but i also don’t get (unless they overheard) how these people are comfortable talking to them about it.

what i’m more upset about, though, is the fact that so many people apparently think of me as just a “ret4rded kid” and nothing more despite being in multiple honors classes (all honors, in fact, since 8th grade).

my friends are mostly nice people, although obviously negative without many friends. they constantly have to bring up me having autism or being the r-slur when something comes up.

they tell me not to be friends with certain people, not to hang out with them and make more friends because “they hate me, they see me as subhuman because im autistic”.

my one friend, j (18m) has autism and needs more support than i do. he, however, tells me no one hates me except for certain bullies who have talked behind our backs, but have also talked behind like 98% of people they know’s.

the first friend i mentioned says people will continue to hate me for as long as i’m in special ed (“sp3d” and “ret4rded”) and that if i truly want to be liked, i should stop spending time with j because he’s “slow” and “severely autistic”.

she also says “I don’t wanna judge and hate autistic people but I do 🤭” but uses the “i have adhd, bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, etc!” excuse.

the odd thing is that i’m in advanced classes (all honors) but i’m being considered “slow”, which i said, but she replied with “well I don’t think you are! they do though!”

if people are actually nice to me, she says “well, they’re actually bullies but they have to be nice to autistic kids.”

she could be truthful and looking out for me, or be looking out for me with a despairing view (no hope for others)

and the thing i’m upset about the most is that people that aren’t j or them hate me because IM autistic. im in honors but still seen as slow. j is very smart but seen as slow. yes, i can see why people wouldn’t like the fact that he’s eccentric or socially awkward, but you should never assume he’s slow, especially when he’s highly intelligent.

my friends tell me stuff like: “No, you can’t be friends with these people!”

when i ask why, they say it’s because they hate me secretly and don’t want me around because i have autism.

when they’re actually being nice to me, then they say “oh yeah, they’re only being nice to you because they pity you. they want to feel good about themselves so they’re nice to the ‘(r-word)’ kid in special ed”.

and it makes me wonder if it’s because they’re looking out for me and they’re either very negative, being truthful and everyone really does see me as “less than human” and are only nice because im autistic, or they’re being mean.

me and ex have dated for around 11 months. I broke up with her because she would only spend time on video games and her friends.

she was hardly ever online and when she was, never spoke to me.

she lost interest in me and was seeing other ppl without my knowledge or consent. it turned out, she didn’t even have feelings for me.

she also used to be incredibly abusive, homophobic, transphobic, even racist (which is why I broke up the first time) but is now suddenly a huge lesbian rights supporter (I’m proud of her growth though).

even when I speak in the GC, they all just talk to each other, ignore my messages, and talk about their video games, tv show, etc.

like, if anyone (especially my ex) says something, her friends will be like “OMG SO TRUE THATS HILARIOUS” but talk over me.

my ex will somewhat talk to me, but her friends will act like I don’t exist

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/24841113

!websitepromo@lemmy.blahaj.zone

!websitepromo@lemmy.blahaj.zone

i know it’s not just “teenage hormones” (18f). i cannot yet be given a diagnosis on anything though i will be talking to a psychiatrist. this is really fucked up, i hate this so much.

i’ll be full of energy, all these ideas and motivation. i’ll talk really fast and have no need for sleep.

then, i’ll get depressed. i was doing GREAT all week and today, but now i’m about to cry simply because my friend only spends time with her friend group and never me. i was mad at that and suddenly ready to block everyone but i feel guilty and im mad at myself for being this way.

i know she can hang out with her trio, i know we’re still friends. i normally wouldn’t be mad but i truly think i’m going insane.

khía-núe síin séne? ni síin óa 😊

so my ex kayla (20f) is someone i got back together with after she changed and stopped being a dick towards me after we broke up the first time when she was 18 and i was ~17 (i’ll be 19 this year).

now, she’s a very nice person to me, and i broke up with her because we stopped talking to each other and i therefore lost feelings for her. i didn’t use social media much let alone group chats, and she didn’t private message much.

when i could/wanted to, i’d try to message but she’d often be doing something else or already in the middle of the convo. before we broke up, it turns out she was seeing another girl without my permission or consent because “she’s poly” (we gotta let each other know before we can date someone, that was the agreement. i did it for her but she didn’t for me).

we broke up and she moved on quickly because “oh at least i have 2 other women i like” and she didn’t even have feelings for me after we dated?? (she had feelings at 18 when she was a bully, but not at 20). neither of us like each other that way, but it hurts that she found someone else so quickly, didn’t feel that way for me, and didn’t even tell me about her new gf before we broke up

the woman who hurt me for years always finds a way to blame me for things. things are never her fault, and she thinks i’m disgusting or inferior because of my disabilities.

she’s nice to everyone else regardless of their disability, but they either have adhd or autism + adhd so maybe autism + bipolar isn’t “one of the good diagnoses”.

she’s charismatic so everyone defends her. they either don’t know about her or dont care as long as she isn’t hurting them because they love her so much.

she flirts with all her friends and told me I was too “disgusting” to flirt with and that she “hates threesomes” and that we “weren’t close enough to be friends” even though she finds me “too inferior” to even try and be my friend.

she’s fixated on me to an extent it feels, going out of her way to piss me off, make me jealous/hurt, making rude “jokes” (which are more annoying than hurtful) but then acting like she does this with all her friends.

she tries to be friends with my friends in a weird way, such as being overly nice and touching their shoulder/head, and it has been reported several times that she is somewhat creepy towards children irl and especially online and will go out of her way to follow and “befriend” children under 13 on social media apps. she has also defended people who like children romantically and saying that their romance should be okay.

I keep trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and holding onto hope that she’s a good person who just suffered a lot and that she actually likes me, but I know she doesn’t and I get hurt every time I give her that benefit.