I've struggled my entire life with male friends. They all seemed to really appreciate how I would listen to them and their problems. Yet when it came time for me to open up, they would just turn the conversation back to about themselves or just skip past what I was trying to talk about.
I've never been competitive and rarely had the energy to make myself heard. It all felt so shallow and there was no depth to these relationships. It didn't feel worth the effort to put up a with the fight.
I'm very fortunate that a number of women, who have come and gone in my life, were able to listen or guide me in so many important ways. Even with my newest friend, she has been showing me new ways to open up and feel safe.
It makes me a bit sad that I've never really had men in my life who could show me how to open up the same way women have. It would be so much easier to relate since we would have similar experiences growing up as men. With my female friends, I can only relate with them so far. They are women, I am not.
The hurtful things that men have said to me and the hurtful things they have done to me makes it incredibly hard for me to make male friends now. I wish that weren't the situation. I absolutely crave variety, diversity and connection.
I met someone at a Halloween party last year. She's queer. In the short time we've known each other, we've become very close.
We seem to have similar minds and are very generous with the space we give each other when it comes to being ourselves. Not physical space but in an understanding way. For example, I know she's terrible at time management so I never pressure her for being late but I'm also able to do things that can encourage her to be less late. She ends up spending more time doing the things she enjoys without the pressures or guilt of being late.
That sort of space has created this feeling of comfort and safety between us. She feels safe and comfortable with me and shows it all the time. She tells me she loves me all the time. She gives me the tightest hugs all the time. She rests her head on my shoulders or leans into me while we are sitting next to each other. None of this is sexual but it is very much full of love. Other people seem to notice too. Some people have called us cute. Others just seem to smile more and are happier when we are around. It feels really nice.
As a person who is very difficult to touch and does not touch other people very often, this has been such a different experience for me. I like it though, it feels so cozy. I wish had more of this throughout my life. I wish others had more of this throughout their lives.
To me it feels as though modern, north American expectations around love are too much and too high. There's so many ways to feel and express love. Love doesn't need to end with sex and marriage. There doesn't need to be an end goal. It can just be love. I'm very greatful to have met someone who can express their love so freely. It gives me a chance to learn more.