chosensilence

not really, unfortunately. i live in a small-sized city (50-60k residents) near two bigger ones, so while we have a decent amount of resources there isn’t much specific to what i need. and i don’t have many local friends either. i do live with my partner and his mother, so i am fortunate there.

the thing is, it does let me support myself. i cannot hold down a job. i have severe mental illness that has interfered for my almost twenty year work history and being able to take care of myself has proved difficult without financial stability. this job, somehow, has what i need to be able to function. i’ve never had this before. i can’t let this one go. i just got it a few months ago.

while the medication i’m on will prevent my life from being shortened by my disease, it isn’t a death sentence when i go off it. it feels like i am trading 15-25 years of my life for being able to work. some would call that reasonable and “a part of life.”

i’ll be honest that makes me nervous but yeah i would be willing.

i am extremely hesitant to share any support links out of fear i will be viewed suspiciously. i am hyper aware of how my behaviors are seen and interpreted. but i appreciate it, truly.

respectfully, i see it differently than you. regardless of the fact that we've never had direct democracy, erosions to our democratic elections have been building for decades upon decades. the power imbalance created by the obscenely wealthy has established an oligarchy that has successfully infiltrated all facets of our government and private tech sector. i hate sounding alarmist but not enough people are talking about Peter Thiel and while yes, Trump is a primary threat, I think Peter Thiel might be the Biblical devil and i'm an atheist.

i have done all i can to reduce the cost, yes. this is the lowest i can go as i am buying directly from the manufacturer who is already offering a reduced cost.

marching isn't going to do anything, and neither are protests or peaceful demonstrations. we should be far beyond that as a people. i believe that is our only true way forward. i don't see it happening.

some of us experience negative events routinely. people call it "bad luck" but that implies some kind of superstition. i don't have bad luck. however, it appears i statistically experience negative outcomes far more frequently than people i personally know. it has to happen to somebody. our outcomes exist on a gradient of two probable states; positive or negative, so when you physically "do something" you become your own tool of measurement by interacting with your surrounding environment. you then "record" the outcome observed in our universe through your action: positive or negative. see? no luck. it's just math and shit.

my point is, i am what i am going to describe as quantum unlucky. i don't understand it and it just is what it is, but i am fucking cursed by this universe to experience the shittiest shit as a dumb American. i am beyond exhausted. i cannot convince myself to stay here any longer. i merely exist because i am too afraid to end it. it isn't necessarily the fascists that would do me in, because i have had a life of misery before i became aware of their existence, but they certainly have made everything more bleak.

i have $0 money saved and struggle to keep money past five days of each paycheck. i am supporting myself and my partner on one income in the non-profit sector (meaning i'm even more underpaid than usual). i can't move at the moment, but even if i could, the job i have right now is ideal and i would prefer to keep it. i have struggled my entire life to find a job i could be stable in, so this is exceptionally rare for me.

i don't want to be here anymore. it's been 35 years of torture and torment and fascists are winning. i'm tired. life isn't precious, there's no meaning, so let me fucking end my own story.

it’s alright, everyone is going to get their wish and there will be one less broken trans person in the world once i work up the courage to end it. shit like this helps. just pushes me closer.

while you're not wrong i do want to reiterate that mRNA vaccines are likely going to be how we treat and cure cancers so there is precedent at least for this to be massive news. if not this there will likely be a real announcement one day.