chosensilence

fuck this guy. he is still licking boots throughout the entire article. it’s kind of unfuckingbelievable the shit he is saying while his wife sits in a fucking camp being torn from her children. fuck him, fuck him, fuck this stupid piece of shit.

incredible news. i am saddened for everyone lost during the last 44 years.

i'm definitely going to check out the Emma Goldman album, thanks. i've seen it around but didn't know much about it.

that Oklou album was good. it's definitely in my top 25. other than clipping. and ethel cain i don't know any of these acts. i'll have to do some listening. which do you recommend i check out first?

i mostly visit the RateYourMusic and AlbumOfTheYear charts and occasionally i'll check out the last.fm profiles of users i find interesting. basically, i treat music like a hobby but i do so because i desire that kind of connection. i love music so i devote a lot of time to it. i have pro accounts on all three places. luckily they are relatively affordable. i think last.fm is $3 a month lol. but yeah, i'd say if you are unfamiliar with RYM or AOTY then maybe check one out.

edit: in case you're not familiar, all of those mentioned are music cataloging websites that you can create customized profiles on. last.fm will import your listening history and you can track your habits in real time. it's good for finding your stats.

we found the main character

i truly don't think anyone understands how miserable i find living to be. i genuinely believe existence to be a cruel prank being played on me. i did not consent to exist and i wouldn't have chosen to if somehow there was a me to make that decision. if i could press a button and poof out of existence and the memories of those who knew me i would do it without hesitation. the second arrow is not a disproportionate reaction to the first because the first came from a person who actively wants me dead. when i feel the pain of being dehumanized by the state (taking away my benefits; denying me assistance) and/or those around me (voters who think i am scum), the recognizing of that fact is what causes the second arrow to land and cause even more suffering. but that is just me understanding that these people are impacting my actual life and so i am trying to understand what my future risks are like. i need to look ahead, i need to catastrophize because they are constantly working to take away everything i have and need. my second arrow isn't some kind of pity party or anxious response or depressive episode; my second arrow is me going "fuck they are trying to harm me and i need to be aware and prepared." idk it feels different here, i don't think i see it the same.

unfortunately i have already went through filing for federal disability. i could not meet their requirements.

not really, unfortunately. i live in a small-sized city (50-60k residents) near two bigger ones, so while we have a decent amount of resources there isn’t much specific to what i need. and i don’t have many local friends either. i do live with my partner and his mother, so i am fortunate there.

the thing is, it does let me support myself. i cannot hold down a job. i have severe mental illness that has interfered for my almost twenty year work history and being able to take care of myself has proved difficult without financial stability. this job, somehow, has what i need to be able to function. i’ve never had this before. i can’t let this one go. i just got it a few months ago.

while the medication i’m on will prevent my life from being shortened by my disease, it isn’t a death sentence when i go off it. it feels like i am trading 15-25 years of my life for being able to work. some would call that reasonable and “a part of life.”

i’ll be honest that makes me nervous but yeah i would be willing.

i am extremely hesitant to share any support links out of fear i will be viewed suspiciously. i am hyper aware of how my behaviors are seen and interpreted. but i appreciate it, truly.