chattre

Yesterday, I came to a break. I saw and felt the thick hair on my face that I left intentionally, wanting to maintain some sort of normalcy. I didn't like what I saw. I couldn't take it anymore. I spent a good amount of my afternoon getting it all off (self care takes a while hehe, still getting used to it).

Only after I finished did I think about it. It's gone now. The last bits of "guy" that I could meaningfully control right now were gone. I could finally look in mirrors, blank computer screens, reflections and not feel frightened! But it also meant that I had to answer to the most important person in my life, my mom. I could either bullshit it again or just tell the truth.

Walking into it, I set my expectations straight: I wasn’t looking for full acceptance or understanding like with my friends, at least not right away. I just wanted to stop lying. The one thing I can't force myself to do consistently is lie and avoid. It feels horrible to lie, it feels horrible to push the people I love the most away from myself.

I explained a lot of the way I felt before I accepted myself. It was a super slow process, but I finally came out to her. There’s still confusion and uncertainty, mostly about me being “too young” to know whether I wanted something like this, no partner (I also explained my aro/ace feels), or no children. I made it clear that I wasn’t backing down from my realization or trying to convince myself to “try being a man”, again. I already tried and that wasn't a me I could love. I can’t see a future where I live and present as a man, I can only see myself going through college, city life, new friends, a good job, and everything in between as a woman. If I can’t have that, I don’t see the point.

In the end, we did agree that what makes me happy is what should matter the most, and in the end she can’t truly stop me from doing what I want for myself as long as I don't hurt myself or others. She still worries that this will somehow impede my plans for the future or make me distracted from “bigger” things, but I’m not sure how to quell her worries because I don’t know what preconceived notions she has. I worry that the indifference/dismissiveness might turn into something worse if we don't talk more. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision in the long term or not, but I don't regret being honest and truthful. It's really helped me feel less guilty. For now, I guess I could say I'm in the clear.

I’m not at a stage where I feel I can tell her about clothes I’ve bought but hidden, new name/pronouns, my upcoming HRT consult, or any other affirming stuff I’ve done. I want to take this slowly because I feel the ball is in my court now. Besides all the stuff I’ve read about and the medical/science support of transition, is there anything I can say that might meaningfully help someone that is somewhat confused/averse but willing to listen?

Could I try?

Could changing leave me gratified?

Even if it's not what you wanted for my afterlife

If I turned out like you, oh, would you be mad?

Is disapproval what it takes to live again?

A song a friend recommended to me... it's supposed to be about a robot becoming human but the trans feels are really there TwT

It's fun for me to sing along to because it's one of the songs which doesn't cause me to go out of range and sound like an air brake releasing... hehe

But I almost didn't do it. We were having a lot of fun and I felt like I would be ruining the vibe. But when I was sitting there feeling like the moments in front of me were slipping into the void, I felt like there was a choice between uncomfortable familiarity or a chance to make myself a reality.

I asked for some time. They gave me it. There was crying, stuttering, stalling, and lots of silence. I finally came out to my 2 best friends. Lots of hugs and talking, mostly about how hopeless I felt before I figured it all out. They really listened and responded. I'd never done something like that before so it all felt like a dream. But I know this is real, I can't take it back, but I don't want to. I finally feel like I'm not lying about myself to some of the people I love the most over and over again. Not just about who I am but how I feel.

When it was time to go one of my friends used my new name that I told them about. I thought it would feel weird because I'd only ever read it on my personal devices, but hearing it out loud felt natural in a way... better...

This is going to take a long time and it's going to be difficult. But I've done difficult before. One step at a time...

I feel like I've made more progress in this week than I have in months of my life. How have I lived like this for so long?

One of the first things I tried was shave in places where it wouldn't be visible for now with the cold weather, mainly my legs and entire front. I'd never even considered it before, but after the first patch of smooth skin I felt like I opened up some part of me I hadn't ever felt before. It took a while but it’s done and it feels so nice :3

I'm still really scared by my reflection (I haven't shaved my face just yet) but putting on a face mask really helps. I take a lot of features from my mom anyway, so the only thing that stresses me out about my reflection is the facial hair. Using that strategy I parted my hair down the middle and combed it towards the back of my head. I think I wait more time for it to grow out, but I just felt so much more like me in that moment. It was so rare. I didn't hate the person I saw in the mirror…

I took one of my days to go to a clothing store and got myself some hipster underwear!! There was some nerves when I walked in and tried to find what I was looking for, but I had my face mask again to help me out, it wasn’t very busy, no one really cared and there was self-checkout. I know I could do online but it’s just so much easier to go to a store and get it done immediately, plus dealing with picking up stuff from somewhere else is hassle since I obviously can’t have it delivered (my mom!!). They fit well and feel so right. I can feel good without anyone seeing them. My stuff down there isn’t an issue to say the least… so it’s a win for me :3

Other than my appearance, I changed my name (yes, I already have a name in mind!!) on my Nextcloud instance. It sounds so stupid, but just opening up my dashboard to “Good morning, [name]” just gives me the right start to the day.

This feeling is still so foreign to me… loving myself… Wanting to see myself look good. Wanting to eat right. Wanting to get proper sleep and exercise. I've always neglected my self care, but now that I know that I'm a girl (wow...) I want to try so so much. That one piece just helped it all click. It doesn't matter how much time or effort it's gonna take, I want to look good. I want to feel good.

But I know my journey is so far from over. I’m going out with two of my closest friends tomorrow. Throughout the week I’ve written down some of the stuff I wanna say so I don’t get stuck. My thoughts are already scattered normally and even more so when I’m trying to communicate something really complicated, so this is how I'm going to help myself. I haven’t told them that we’re going to talk, just to make sure that it’s only them for that day. I need to do this. I want to do this.

I feel like I've made small steps in the grand scheme of things, but they've made me feel so much better than before. I’m scared, but not miserable or hopeless and that’s the most important part. I can never thank you all enough for that ❤️

I think I can do this. I have hope I can do this. Just one step at a time…

Warn… typed this up and then couldn’t stop myself, it’s long but advice is appreciated (needed?..)

This can’t be real. After avoiding mirrors. Hating mirrors. Smashing one. Gosh I fucking hate reflections. After hating myself for so long (and still).

Now, I can’t push this aside like I would other problems. I just wanted to be a normal 18 year old. Round off the school year. Get college plans in place. Parties, hangouts, something like that. But now it’s different. Now I know I’m trans (fuck, I’ve never said that anywhere…), and I can’t push through things the same way anymore, although I'm now putting so much more effort in to try. I barely even had my shit together before, likely to some ADHD(/autism?? I don’t know..) that already felt like the biggest hurdle trying to grasp and get tested for (very little progress made on that front). Now I feel like I’ve been living a complete lie up to this point, and I’ll have to restart but on hard mode. I don’t know what to do. The people in my life are limited and I have a really hard time articulating my points, let alone my feelings, I don’t know who to talk to or ask for advice. I feel like walls are being pushed up against me.

My mom is really great and I love her so much, but it’s always hard to get a read on her since she’s busy and exhausted near constantly. She’s indifferent about queer people, and doesn’t really have a good understanding of them. She grew up in a conservative third-world country and is really prideful of her religion; I don’t think she’ll be receptive. Even just growing my hair out she’s made half-jokes of her having a son, not a daughter. My hair isn’t even that long yet, but I stopped cutting it a while ago before understanding why I wanted to see it longer.

My friends are… great. I’m aren’t worried about their opinions on me whenever I decide that I want to tell them, but now is a really bad time. I’m used to keeping up appearances for a long time even when I’m not doing well, so the sudden shift to the absolute mess I am internally right now is just too much. We have so little life experience, and we’re practically still kids. They don’t have the resources or capacity to deal with me as I am right now, and I’m not willing to put that burden on them.

For now I’ll look through objects, my work, and even people that are standing in front of me far more often now, even more than with my other undiagnosed issues, just struggling to keep this… machine… active. I will walk around and get my day done as I usually would but in such a disconnected state knowing that this flesh sack is an illusion I’m using to make everything look like it’s ok when I know I’m walking through a full scale production of lies. I’ll spend time with my friends silently begging they would stop repeating the name of a person that doesn’t exist. I’ll get home and make dinner for my brother who since he was a baby has always seen me as the best big "brother" in the world. I’ll go to my desk and (try to) get some work done wishing I at least had my own room to store stuff in for expressing myself in (not on purpose, this place is all we can afford). When I go to bed I can either listen to stuff on my earbuds to keep the feels at bay or cry anyway knowing there’s no room, time, or place in my life to be anything other than what the flesh on the outside appears to be. I’ll remember how I’ve realized who I am now at no worse possible time, where people like me are having their rights stripped and threats to be hurt and/or killed. And I’ll live that cycle over and over again. For how much longer? I don’t fucking know. But what’s a little longer when I’ve been doing it that way already… why do I have to be so fucked up…

I’m trying for any sort of advice, I know my circumstances aren’t helping and my thoughts are disconnected and rambly (as they usually are)… this is the first time I’ve ever really opened up about my (not just trans) feelings before to a place other than animals or random plushies (lmao..), and it's also quite late in the night for me, but I can try and explain some more stuff. I just have no vision on where I go from here other than really bad places…