But I’m not a sex worker. Someone said I am before but I’m not. I’m not sending any nudes. Only once I sent FAKE from the internet. . I understand what ur saying. I don’t know how to go about this. Being friends with him is fine and feels good while I’m healing. I know I’ll heal, I healed from things 10x worse. But damn, it hurts so much. I want someone who communicates with me and stays during tough times, not leaves. I feel like my emotional intelligence greatly improved after this. I understand certain things better. When I was with my ex, after he fucked me over. He chased me irl in his car and was screaming out his car to me while I was riding my Bike. I was petrified and was crying the whole time running away. But now I get it. People who love go great measures to get u back. Thats how I feel now.
canadianchik
Why is everyone dismissing what I did and the money scheme with weird old men. I feel terrible. Why is everyone disregarding that information. I need to figure it out. I’m going crazy l
I try to get him back but he said he doesn’t want to go into another relationship and he feels that he didn’t give me enough attention that I deserve but he did :( but I will stop trying because I don’t want to annoy him. And thank you for this message. It does suck when I can’t connect to my parents as I wish but I guess it is what it is
Thank you for this thoughtful message Elwin (if that’s ur name). Sorry if not. It is really hard. I know I’m not the only one going through this. I know time heals. That’s why I feel like I have high functioning depression because I know the good times will come, I know life gets better, I am aware of these things but deep down I still feel like utter crap. Not all the time though. I think what hurts me the most in life is not being able to talk to my parents about stuff, especially my dad. I always felt lack of love from him and I know his and I’s relationship wasn’t the greatest but my heart genuinely shatters so hard when I see how well he gets along or the “I love you’s” he and my siblings say back and fourth. I sometimes wish me and his bond was like that but the main thing I feel from him is being scared of him and I feel guilty that I feel that way but i know it’s not my fault. With the ex, we are still good friends but I genuinely can’t help but just want him to myself. I honestly told him this today and I feel bad for being so attached. I wish I can win him back so I prove to him so much things. I made a dumb mistake and I know he’s not mad at me about it anymore but I guess part of me is in denial. It’s honestly hurts at like nearly but not rlly the same level of when me and my ex years ago broke up. I was crushed. That relationship honestly took me like 2 years to fully get over but this one hurt so much and I think it’s because I never thought I’d like someone again, I talked to guys but they were all fuckboys, and if they weren’t, I genuinely just couldn’t fall in love. But this guy I did. Now I’m crushed.
Is it still an app?
WHAT LOL
I hate being in pain, everyone does haha. So I sound like a hypocrite. I feel ready for a relationship, or atleast thought I did but now that it’s over I’m just broken all over again. That was the first feeling of readiness I had in years. I always love more than I receive and I think that’s what fucks me up in the end
but it’s so hard cuz when I get hurt that makes me feel less worthy. It’s so hard like fuck. I know deep down I don’t deserve this stuff but it just happens to me. It’s like my brains used to this pain that it even mentally prepares me for the worst beforehand. I never believe I can have something good for a long time without me fucking ruining it or whatever
I did for a bit and then stopped. I will try to continue with that. It did feel good
It’s so hard to believe my own self worth when I’m always in repeated pain from people. I try so hard man, I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of giving people so much of my energy. I won’t blame myself for everything because I know most of what I did isn’t wrong but I did involve myself I guess in situations where things can go wrong but I never wanted that.
Yea I’m assuming that’s what it is to be honest. I forget so much but I know I went through much u know. It sucks so much. I’m not sure about neuro divergence but I’m going to look more into it. I’m scared I won’t be able to get over it. I don’t want to live in fear from the ones who are suppose to love me and vice versa. I can’t even maintain eye contact properly with people anymore and I feel like I’m always sorry or saying sorry to people and it’s so draining to me. I just want a break. Like I wanna be gone but not in that way. Just like gone from everything
But I hurt him from my actions. How can I get over that? The sound of him crying, the sound of him in pain will never leave my head. I feel horrible. I just want to make things right but I can’t. I feel like it’s all my fault because if I just hadn’t sent them my Instagram for money this wouldn’t have happened. Or told him the first guy or whatever send me stuff (which I obviously didn’t ask for) I was equally as fucked and grossed out, but I should’ve known what I was getting myself into I guess. But I think before, part of me felt like I cheated on him when I know I didn’t because I told him each time I was messaging one for money. I offered passwords, go on my phone, idc. I didn’t feel any way cuz I only ever did things for money. He was jealous I was giving them attention or receiving their attention.. I told him I don’t care for these people (as bad as it sounds)… I know taking money from people isn’t right but they said so I said why not.
I also fear in the future no one will want me because of my body count or that I’m going to feel as if I need to tell someone EVERYTHIG I’ve done because that’s how I felt after this incident. It felt like everything I have done in my past is illegal and I should be punished for it.