apprehentice

Not autistic; I have social needs and crippling social anxiety.

I was born here. There's not much else to it.

If you don't hold the keys, your data may as well not be encrypted.

Nice! I haven't thought about pretty printers since I used penlight on Lua, but now I think I need one. I'll add this to my arsenal.

I'm in, but I can't rule :(

Honestly, I can't say that I have the mental wherewithal to make it happen, either. Historically, I'll stutter, stammer, freeze, and repeat the same vague, useless, and open-ended answers in a few different ways before letting the other party think they've either won or that we've come to a compromise... and then I'll think of just what I would have wanted to say an hour or more later...

Someday, I'll be able to articulate these things in real-time. Someday, I hope that I will have the wisdom and courage necessary to competently dispute anyone who opposes my own personal freedoms. It's hard, though. We're social creatures and I've been cursed with a sensitivity to rejection, so... I've got some stuff to work out first, yeah.

This is the stance I've decided to take. I get to be selfish about this, I get to decide what happiness is to me, and I don't have to justify it to anybody. They're not me and they don't have to live in my body. I'm just gonna transition without any input from anybody else because nothing any naysayer has ever said has been helpful.

Edit: and I don't need to explain or declare my transition, either. "Because I'm a woman," should be plenty explanation enough and I won't hear any word about it.

In Pathfinder RPG, if a gnome goes too long without enrichment, their hair will turn white and they will die.

I'm planning on it. Remind me in three weeks and I'll tell you how it's going.

Before I knew it was dysphoria? Dissociate by daydreaming and doing anything to shift my attention away from it. Now that I know it's dysphoria? Like any other kind of anxiety: acknowledge it, label it, breathe, check in with yourself, change what you can right now, and plan to change what you can't.

The closer I get to my HRT intake appointment, the more I've started to notice my negative thoughts and feelings, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and when I look ahead, I feel invigorated. The road is long and filled with obstacles, but all the signs say I'm on the right track.

I'm pretty sure they'd be proud and confused

My gender is "not man." The title "man" feels like an ill-fitting jacket on me, heavy and burdensome. I describe it, in specific terms, as genderflux demigirl; I only ever feel varying degrees of "girl," ranging from not girl to all girl, but never any amount of man; agender to girl. I don't want to be manly and I don't want to be put in the same category as men. In simple terms, I tell people that I'm genderfluid with they/them pronouns because I find they/them acceptable for all presentations, even if I would prefer she/her.

I don't have any issues with men, it's just not me. I'm still pre-HRT and I haven't built up the courage to try to present femme. The farthest I've strayed is GNC. Regardless, I want people to see and treat me as a girl. I share the sentiment that some of the traits I want and exhibit aren't necessarily gendered, but they're part of what makes up my gender.

I want to be vulnerable, emotional, graceful, and unintimidating. I have a large sense of empathy, but my emotions are locked. I'm wearing a mask unless I'm significantly inebriated and I hate it. I hate that I'm big, strong, and clumsy. I hate that I feel like I have to avoid strangers and give them breadth on the street because my presence might make them feel uncomfortable. I hate that I feel anxious and pent up all the time.

I want people to see me for who I feel that I am When people look at me, I want them to think: cute, adorable, soft, dainty. I don't want the weight, the baggage, and the assumptions that come with "man" because the truth is that I'm not strong, brave, powerful, or confident and I don't necessarily want to exhibit or exude these qualities. As it stands, people assume that I have these qualities because they sort me with men. I am not man. I am me. Hell, I don't even think I'm woman, but I am girl. I want to look girl. I want to feel girl. To some extent, I already behave like a girl. I want people to see girl.