Zwuzelmaus

You are living in a Alfred Hitchcock movie.

But then it really helps to be a cow in order to make it sound appropriate.

Concertina.

That's the perfect instrument for quick learning and then playing some complete music, not just a tiny part of it.

Needs no theory before starting, and you never look for the perfect tune. Only thing to really learn and practise is the coordination of both hands, and then for many songs you need only 4-5 buttons on both sides.

Unlike the piano or accordion, the variant with the round buttons has all the harmonies prepared for you.

Why would you cook your whiskey?

Florida inmates have access to emails

abundant luxury there....

President when?

Anything coming "back" (which kind of back?) through the portal was not in your scenario specification....

in a flat dry desert

Hopefully you are free not to live there...

Dicks without being Rude?

I don't know... aren't dicks always a little rude?

everything else we've used so far (nearly all Lithium based).

We have used water before lithium, and it isn't bad at all.

42 is the answer.