YuccaMan

I'll have to give that some thought myself, but of course, in the best of all possible worlds, we would redefine what masculinity even is, as it's clear that many aspects of traditional masculinity are harmful, to us and to everyone around us

It's pretty hard for me to imagine what I would look like lol, tall and burly and hairy as I am now, but certainly nothing about that possibility bothers me. I've always preferred the company of women. Totally not incriminating myself further here, I know

Penny for your thoughts?

Thank you so much, you as well! And yeah, this has been a weird, difficult year for me, and it's come with a fair bit of introspection for sure. I finally admitted to myself that I'm bisexual, though I'm already committed and haven't been able to really explore that yet.

At any rate, my most honest answer that I can give right now is that I'm probably cis, but not terribly interested in performing manhood traditionally. How far and in what fashion I want to break away from that is something I haven't yet figured out. But I might also on some level be conflating those feelings with the deep envy and yearning I feel when I see the solidarity between women, particularly trans women, and other queer people generally. It's made me realize just how lonely I've been for so many years. Part of that is on me, I'm terrible about putting myself out there, but I suspect it's also to do with manhood generally. Whatever the case, I really am tired of it.

I play girl characters in games far more than I used to, but I mean, I don't think I'm uncomfortable with my assigned gender(?)

However, I wouldn't be truthful here if I didn't admit that I've started to question how comfortable I really am with living life as a man. I can't tell if there's something about that I don't like, or if I'm just dissatisfied with life in general right now. Or both.

One thing I do know for sure is that girl characters are just more fun to look at. Seriously, my favorite Tav on BG3 is just the most beautiful Amazonian tiefling, I love her so much

I think I might do that. Might even be the start of the journal I keep telling myself I'm going to write. I wish you well with your own father, I understand only too well what you're going through.

Ah, don't feel bad about that, what advice can someone even give to a person in this situation? I've been through this twice now, and I still feel like I wouldn't know the right thing to say to somebody experiencing loss. At any rate, you hit the nail on the head. I've spent a lot of time reevaluating who my parents were, what my life with them was like. Not having them here to talk to makes that difficult, yet at the same time their absence affords me a certain clarity that I find difficult to explain.

Handy that, seeing as I'm apparently too good at it lol

I'm a little embarassed about it honestly, I really was quite drunk when I wrote that. But, in vino veritas and all that. I did love the old prick, despite everything.

I can't remember if I've brought it up before now, but guys, my father died earlier this year, and I'm still having a hard time dealing with it. I feel like such shit about the way that I cared for him in the end. He didn't have anybody else but me, and I feel like I was so inadequate. He was a mean old son of a bitch who did a tour during Vietnam and impregnated an 18 year old girl at age 59. He wasn't a good man, and as much as old habits want me to say that I'm being dramatic when I tell you this, I don't think it's unfair to say that he emotionally and psychologically abused me for years. But he held me and loved me and drove me to school, took me to museums and helped me learn to read and to drive and to conduct myself in life. His retirement pay certainly helped me out of a few jams as well, I'm not too proud to admit that. He was my rock in a lot of ways, as much as he was a burden on me emotionally. Damn me, but I don't blame him for any of it, and I just start weeping any time I dedicate more than a moment's thought to the situation. I already lost my mom when I was 16, and now I've lost him too, and I'm not even out of my twenties. The whole thing just makes me deeply sad.

You all aren't my therapists, and I don't expect sympathy, or even a response, I'm just drunk and emotional and needed to get that off my chest, and I thank you profusely for allowing me to do that.

At age 100. One zero zero. Nothing to celebrate here. The good die young and the pricks last forever, and this prick didn't even live long enough to see everything he built in ashes at his feet.

So dude totally tried and failed to get the thing to say the n-word, right? I refuse to parse that sentence any other way.