Sombyr

There are people who don't like that? Huh. That's the only setting that works for me. Every other setting is too regular so I go numb and just stop feeling it after like 5 seconds.

I used to experience it 24/7 a few years ago, before I was medicated for the countless mental disorders I have. Nowadays, I don't think I've experienced it in at least a couple years.

I've just decided at this point that I don't care if my life has any sort of meaning. I still do fun things and have passions, but I don't do those to give my life meaning, I do it to just feel good for now.

And days, sometimes weeks and months where I wake up and think "I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit and rot." I just do that. Makes those days easier to get through. Doesn't matter if my existence has no meaning for a while. Doesn't matter if it never does again. I'm just ok with whatever happens.

And one day when I die, I'll be ok with it. To me, no matter what I do it'll all eventually fade away with time. Eventually, nobody will remember me. But the particles and energy that made me up will always exist, and the things I did will help determine their final resting place at the heat death of the universe. All I have to do to make a permanent mark on the world is simply exist.

But I dunno. I've been off my meds for a bit for various reasons, so maybe I'm just going crazy.

Most conservatives, however deeply red, are not intentionally hateful and are usually open to rational discussion. People just don't know how to have rational discussions nowadays and the few times they do, they don't know how to think like somebody else and put things in a way they can understand.

People nowadays think because a point convinced them, it should convince everybody else and anybody who's not convinced by it is just being willfully ignorant. The truth is we all process things differently and some people need to hear totally different arguments to understand, often put in ways that wouldn't convince you if you heard it.

It's hard to understand other people and I feel like the majority of people have given up trying in favor of assuming everybody who disagrees with you knows their wrong and refuses to admit it.

When I was little I got stung 6 times between the legs by a velvet ant that managed to get stuck in my bathing suit. It's not as bad as some exaggerated videos on the internet may have lead you to believe, but I did cry for about 30 seconds before I went back to what I was doing.

Not years ago, but a year ago I got covid and for reasons nobody can explain it made a nerve in my lower back malfunction and just start sending out the maximum pain signal it could. That's probably the most painful thing I've experienced. Tied for it at least.

Going through this right now. Don't enjoy playing single player games much. Only usually enjoy multi-player games if I'm playing with my wife. I'm just letting it happen tbh.

Getting into tabletop games and collecting instead. Unlike video games, tabletop games come with all sorts of cool knickknacks, especially war games, and I'm finding getting to collect them and then play with the cool new things holds my interest better nowadays. Feels like it scratches the same itch as installing a thousand new mods into video games then playing for a few hours before loading it up with even more mods, but instead of mods it's new little dudes and I get to assemble and paint them.

I have minor coordination issues and can't type accurately on a keyboard as small as my phone. If I manually corrected every typo it'd take me 3 times as long to type anything. I miss the suggested words with my thumb half the time. I find it easier to just slam out a word looking vaguely similar to what I was trying to type and let my phone figure it out.

It's been so long since I've seen that that I completely forgot how dated the editing was. I think as a kid I thought they used actual magic in that movie.

Unfortunately as I remember the one time I was given the med in liquid form, it tasted very similar to watered down bleach, which I'm not too sure sugar has the power to conceal. Not that I can't handle it, just kinda hoped I wouldn't have to handle it. It's better than choking on the pills though.

I hate being all negative though, so I'll just say that I'm really impressed by the sheer amount of options that exist for people who can't swallow pills. When I developed my throat issues I didn't even have to stop any meds, just got switched over to smaller or dissolvable options. I thought I was just fucked at that point, but it turns out it was a pretty easy transition.

Some of them I can, and do. Others aren't crushable. With my doctors help I was able to get all the most important pills to be either crushable or dissolvable, and the rest are really small. Usually I've been able to get through them fine lately, but there have been nights I had to skip anything I had to swallow because I couldn't get them down.

Actually, it does occur to me that I was offered one of my meds in liquid form and rejected it once because it tastes awful and the pills were already small. I should probably ask for that so I have a little less to swallow every night.

My wife and I, politically, tend to have very different viewpoints. She tends to lean conservative on a lot of things, whereas I tend to be either centrist or left leaning. It works, however, because we're willing to calmly and rationally listen to each other's viewpoints, and accept when the other tells us we think we're off base or just straight up wrong.

Another important part, though, is where she doesn't lean conservative. That being the area of human rights. She's very accepting of trans people for instance, of which I am one. And when she has an unknowingly transphobic view, she's always willing to listen and change her stance when it's pointed out. If we had fudemental disagreements about treatment of LGBT people and other minorities from the beginning, I never would have dated her. That's one line that I think shouldn't be crossed and shows if a person is genuinely hateful or just misguided.

I don't think she's ever gonna fully migrate left, and I'm certainly not heading right (fell down that rabbit hole once, not gonna do it again,) but knowing she'll listen and change if I point out a view of hers is unintentionally hateful has been a very important part of our relationship.

On the non-political side though, we tend to agree on pretty much everything. We have similar views on mental health. We have similar relationship goals. We have near identical hobbies. We even agree on the best condiment to eat nuggets with (barbecue sauce. And if you're using ketchup you're a monstrosity.)

Personally, I do think there's some key things that disagreeing on will, inevitably, destroy a relationship, but I think people overestimate how much you have to agree on to have a healthy relationship.

Achievable desire? To finally be in a stable place in my life so I can be together with the people I love, and finally have friends again. Might be bisexual, and my wife is totally open to a polyamorous relationship for me to figure that out, so tbh finding that out and maybe gaining a long term boyfriend is also high on my list of desires.

Unachievable though? I want to miraculously recover from all my disabilities and health conditions so I can finally be normal. I want to stop relying on meds to keep me from turning into a batshit crazy nutcase every time I miss even a single dose. Or at least be able to take those meds every night without issue because of my damaged throat refusing to swallow nearly anything I put in my mouth except the most miniscule pills without choking and vomiting them back up. And I want to be able to operate my muscles like a normal person again, something which my meds have thoroughly fucked with, with nothing helping in the slightest. I straight up can't even move my legs if my cat's on top of them. He weighs barely 10 lbs. Plus I get sick constantly even when nobody around me is and nobody knows why. Last month alone I got sick about 6 times. I was only feeling relatively ok for about 3 days total.

The good news, I guess, is every single one of my more achievable goals are well in sight. Just a few months ago they'd all be buried deep in with the unachievable ones, so things are improving little by little.

Things have certainly vastly improved since about 3 years ago, when I couldn't even will myself out of bed. So as whiney as I sound, I'm actually quite happy with where I am and where I'm going.

Pure ethanol. If I'm gonna die of dehydration I might as well have fun doing it.

I have some pretty severe memory issues, but weirdly it doesn't apply to passwords. I use different passwords everywhere, but I don't bother with password managers. I just type random letters, numbers, symbols, and randomly capitalize some letters, then I never forget any passwords I frequently use. They're always really long, too. I do forget ones for sites I used like once and then like a year later decided to log in again.

However, when it comes to literally any other area of my life, I'm so shit at remembering things it's basically a mental disorder. I've had moments where I've been talking to somebody, and couldn't remember anything in the conversation past 2 sentances ago. Hell, typing this, I keep having to reread it to remember what I already said.

I'm also fairly young, at least compared to people who'd usually be developing memory issues, but in my case it seems to be caused by the fact that I'm on 7 different meds right now, 4 of which can cause memory issues. Unfortunately unavoidable though. My doctors have tried switching me off and other meds didn't work. The symptoms they prevent, let's just say turned out to be a hell of a lot worse than a few memory issues.

On the bright side, my wife can keep explaining the same Warhammer lore to me over and over again and every time it's just as new and interesting as the first time. And I can play games and read books and such for the first time multiple times. That's something most people only wish they could do. Granted, if I do hear or see something over and over it eventually begins to stick in my head, so I can't do it forever.