RiotDoll

How do you all deal with dysphoria? For me, it's actually difficult to notice in the midst - even though it absolutely intrudes on my quality of life in severe ways, I only notice it when I mitigate it, and during extreme moments, like bigoted encounters. Because of this, there is a subtle, cumulative effect that begins to grow when I don't live within the bounds of my maintenance, presentation, and behavioral routines. The thing is, I absolutely resent, like loudly fucking HATE not being able to just be and exist and have that be okay. The fact that I have to mentally and physically reaffirm to myself nonstop, in every possible way, that I am feminine, is driving me insane. I just want to be, but if I do that, I end up becoming dysfunctional as dysphoria feeds into depression and the dropping of my routines, i retreat socially, and all kinds of functional behavior falls apart as dysphoria ramps up.

I have issues with my facial hair, which i can't afford to get removed right now, and there are surgeries i'd like, but I am mostly happy with what hormones have done by themselves to me physically. So body wise a lot is fine... However, in all matters social, I just want to ambiently "be", but I literally get miserable if I don't express my feminine side enough. If I don't keep myself dressed up, shaved, and able to look at myself and go "yeah you're a girl" to the mirror, and believe it, I fall the fuck apart.

I don't know if there are mental tricks, if there are ways to make myself comfortable with the work of constant self affirmation of my own femininity? I am aware this understanding of who I am and what I need is largely localized to my own experience, but I guess I'd like people's insight if this post resonates with you at all.

while you were learning skills and hobbies, or going outside and talking to actual human women, i was jerking off to anime girls and AI generated porn so much that it twisted my brain into gooey mush and now i think a normal looking, quite beautiful middle aged cis woman is too masculine or ugly or whatever and I promise you, I am merely the harbinger of what is to come. You people are not ready for the world we will build.

Fuck you, i had genuinely forgotten almost all of this. FUCK YOU.

something tells me you don't actually speak for most people

I really, really hate this guy. Just the worst kind of "I'm the smartest boy in the room" shit coming from a completely mid intellect that's been gassed up as the ueberboer his entire life. Load bearing toxic copes as central pillars of his identity. Viciously hateful takes and barely coded white supremacy nonsense. There's a lot there to despise, but I gotta tell you that unless it leads to his actual downfall, and it won't, how can anyone care about an accusation of something that's been obvious to anybody paying attention?

This guy made a car to spec on an apple 2 edutainment program and made it real. He's the worst.

I once tried to write a scenario where we were made initially as entertainment, creation itself being a kind of sandbox where different ideas got toyed with, earth and its dramas being a fairly specific little sub project that largely served to be interesting - if the creator deigned descend into and experience any given life, he had a reasonably unique experience to undertake. This was achieved by making storytelling machines, basically governors of different aspects of creation, and placed them somewhat at odds, but ultimatley in a context that meant the tug and pull was collaborative - the archons of the apocryphon of john were my inspiration there - with a chief governing storyteller that more or less set an agenda- a mix of archon stuff and demiurge stuff - basically he didn't make the table, but he sets the table.

As the creator got bored, eventually experiencing all but a derivative subset of experience - he moved on, and appointed the head storyteller - the demiurge basically - to rule in his stead.

Then he came back, realizing humanity itself had some interesting properties that were worth elevating, but the storytellers basically rebelled because they were used to bossing these little deranged ape-things around and couldn't imagine letting them rise above them, when there was no real path for them to ascend beyond their own station.

Because of the powers abdicated to the storytelling machinery - and because they're all a subdivision of the divine will, we're caught in a stalemate - the fall of heaven detailed in stories like Enoch are the driving theme for that material - basically satan is merged with the concept of archons and the demiurge - is largely due to a quirk in how everything we experience was generated - the supreme will abdicated power to a subset of itself in the interest of making sure humanity had some kind of guidance and found it wasn't as easily revoked as it was given

anyway i didn't finish the story because i'm shit at metaphysics and i have the attention span of a weevil.

also i didn't know how to reconcile omniscient omnipotence with a situation where the divine will could be defied, even by itself.

Sidestepping theism/atheism because i seriously couldn't care if somebody does or doesn't believe, but personally I like the concept of eyn sof, or the 'first cause' to describe the real creative force behind the universe - and anything lesser is basically just a roided up version of a human soul, which is to say, flawed and created - and anything close enough to us to appear to us or issue dictates to prophets or w/e is probably something created and therefore beneath worship.

I feel like any kind of actual creative force behind existence probably doesn't give any particular shits about what we're getting up to.

if social legitimacy lies behind embracing corporate impositions while licking pig boot, then i don't want it. War it is.

see, that sounds like shit to me, i understand where they're coming from on one level - realpolitiking your way into a brutal invasion is shithead behavior no matter what country it's in service of - but the fact is turning Ukraine into a depopulated wasteland is the bigger L than a capitulation that sees russia getting what it wants, that's all i see. Like, everyone loses even more the more protracted and dug in resistance becomes, and the threat of this escalating and turning into something bigger and dumber (too late tbqh) grows every day it continues - I want things de-escalated and fuck Ukraine's sovreignty if that's what would give the ground.

when your long term strategic prognosis is "well if we dig in obstinately and turn our homeland into a meat grinder, we can make a wasteland not dissimilar to what iraq and afganistan became", it feels like... you know, that's not actually an ideal outcome for anyone. Take the L, for the good of your people. A flag changes, some [very corrupt] government people need to flee - and you lose autonomy... but the meat grinder is... it's worth all that to you? you have so much compassion for Ukraine!!!!

local pride is corporate cop collaborator shit and trans pride, a local separate event that was anti cop, got neutered by fucked up local statutes in the wake of 2020, so i'm probably not attending pride events.

but happy pride for everyone. Four and a half years of hormones, north of five years of social transition under my belt and: I'm really tired but this is still the best thing I've ever done for myself.

as a Trans Feminine and Special Lady, I Do Not Like TERFs