Got any pictures?
MossyFeathers
joined 2 years ago
Honestly, felt.
I'm 30. I started hrt in December of last year. I waited way too long and now I feel like I'll never be fully fem. Hell, I remember clearly when I was younger, being told by my grandparents how handsome and manly I was becoming. They told me they noticed my torso and shoulders broadening, and that girls would like that. I clearly remember the disgust and discomfort that I experienced from that despite happening over 10yrs ago.
I'm very socially stunted from a life lived in seclusion as a result of my dysphoria. Romantic relationships are a new concept to me. My first experience being intimate with someone was with another trans woman who turned out to be a predator. I was too easy for her to manipulate as a result of my naivete, and she eventually raped me.
I'm lonely. I feel broken. I feel like trash that should be shoved into a pile and left to rot. The emotions I began feeling as a result of hrt have been suppressed again. I am numb and dead inside. I know I have feelings, I can see it in my behavior. I know there is someone I love, and I know she loves me in return. I get excited when I see her. When I'm with her I want to stay glued to her. I miss her when she's gone. Yet, these are observations based on my behavior. In reality, I do not actually feel anything. As much as I want to, I am too numb to actually commit and put a name on our relationship. Besides, I'm American, she's Chilean. If I went to visit her then it'd be a one-way trip out of the country. God forbid she comes here.
My only comfort is friends telling me that I already pass really well, and that I look like I'm in my early 20s as opposed to beginning my 30s. I'm not sure I believe them because I still get misgendered by strangers, but I appreciate them trying.
However, as fucked up as my personal journey has been, I believe that, as small and inconsequential as I may be, my journey plays a tiny part in helping the trans children of the future. My small voice, combined with others, will help keep us from obscurity and help keep future generations from the misery I have experienced. True progress doesn't happen overnight. It is a pebble helping guide the water to erode the mountainside.
To tell you the truth, I've considered ending it; but I keep going because of the friends and family in my life. I keep going because of the woman I love. I keep going for future generations. So I continue to take my hormones, swallow my misery and try to make the best of it. My only hope is that, if an afterlife exists, I will be able to live out eternity in my true form, in happiness.
Damn, girl. You look good!
God, having recently gone through this, you have no idea how reassuring it is to read stuff like this; it helps reaffirm that it wasn't my fault and that it's relatively common for predators to be good at convincing people of their side.
(Also, she taught me that even women suck. Really fucking cool. Possibly the only time where I've questioned someone's gender due to the fact that being around her started to feel like I was around a wolf in sheep's clothing)
Considering the previous song on the album was painfully obviously about sex, and The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway is a rock opera....
Genesis' Carpet Crawlers (lyrics) wants a word.
One of the most graphically sexual songs I've ever heard. The only other contender is literally about pet play.
Edit: the Carpet Crawlers are literally sperm. People never believe me until I start breaking it down, and then they're like, "holy fuck, how did they get away with this?"
T~T
Tbh, I'm starting to look into it myself, though I still have +6mo before insurance will cover it. However, considering how long I've heard the waiting period can be, maybe now is the best time to start thinking about it and looking for surgeons.
Congrats! I hope someday I'll be able to do the same. The idea of sex kinda sucks when it feels like your brain is looking for parts you don't have.
It's him! It's the man my parents always warned me about!
Is that Laminated Denim, and why is that the only kgatlw record you have?
Edit: nvm, it looks like you have more. Fix your sorting, lol.
Hell yeah! I'd love to see it! I love bells.