MisssDarylC

The thing is, I have ADHD and Autism, I don't respond to a break up the same way others might, it's just not how it works for me. My brain is literally wired to fixate on things that give me dopamine, and for all the faults, my ex also brought me a lot happiness, so it's a slow gradual process. I am building a life for myself where I get my dopamine from a lot of sources and not just one person, So yes I do think of her occasionally and I hope for contact but I'm doing things about it. I also know it's also because I never got that explanation that other people get when a break up happens, it wasn't long and drawn out it was short and curt with contact dotted in there and overall a massive explanation-less experience that made it exceptionally hard for me. So maybe other people don't have to set boundaries for themselves, but I know I do have to set them for myself because I know that I always looked at her and our relationship with rose coloured glasses. I also know that she treated me poorly at times and I have a view of where we went wrong from my perspective and I would never accept her previous behaviours in the relationship or my own, I wasn't my best either and we didn't bring the best out of each other. I have a balanced view but my brain is built to obsess and I am working on it whilst also being kind to myself.

I'd also like to clarify that I'm not desperate to be in a relationship, it will likely take me a long time to be truly "ready", so I'm just dipping my toe in the water and trying to meet new people. Before my ex I was single from 21-31 years old by choice I'm very used to being single and I'm also certainly not desperate to be in a relationship with my ex.

Sure

Oh my god, I was going to rush for the tram when an Uber said it was coming, this person has gotten redirected 10 different times and it feels like they're never going to make it and I'll be late to work for sure.

I have no authority here but I bestow the rights to creating the Saturday thread upon you.

I have added the year to the title for ease of searching in future, you have made a very solid point.

And I forgot to organise the Melbourne section by new and not active, so I didn't see you'd made one lol

Rugby?

I don't think we're getting back together, I'm acknowledging that now when the completely normal thought of my ex contacting me comes to mind I find myself rejecting the idea because I know she wasn't good to me. Saying I hold a tiny amount of hope for contact also isn't a bad thing, acknowledging the thought and the hope is much better than me hating myself for having it as that would be unproductive and unhelpful in my journey to love myself.

I can be on a journey to loving myself and healing and still mourn the loss of a relationship and a person that was important, it's been a really fucking hard year for me and I'm actually in a pretty decent place even when I have the occasional triggering thought spirals.

I was just trying to express the fact that I've set a firm boundary with myself.

Edit: I do see that my comment doesn't spell it out in those words but it was what I was trying to say.

You are right, I know she didn't treat me right; she even acknowledged it herself. It unfortunately doesn't change my feelings as much as it perhaps should. But hey, I'm still healing and growing and I'll get there.

I figure I'll let go when the time is right and there's no point putting pressure on myself before that. We loved each other and my ex was important to me, if it wasn't for the relationship I wouldn't have experienced some wonderful feelings and if it wasn't for the break up, I wouldn't have worked so hard on myself. I wish we could've ended things together instead of me being blindsided but we don't always get what we want.

Can proudly proclaim that whilst I still hold out the tiniest hope of hearing from my ex, I know now that I couldn't have a relationship with them unless they owned their behaviour like I have reflected on my own and changed. I'm a completely different person now and I know what I want and don't want and how I should be treated.

Edit for context; what I'm trying to say is, I have this tiny hope, but when I have the thought I then realise I don't want to get back together with my ex and that I've come to that realisation. In saying that I want ownership of behaviour and change in behaviour I'm setting a boundary because I don't see that happening and it's stands I've now set. I see now that I wasn't clear in this. Lol.

Hola