All of those really hit home, but that last one… I felt for 20 years that transitioning was something others got to do, but that for some reason I couldn’t. I never questioned why but I always felt like I wouldn’t be allowed to. I just assumed my body wasn’t right for it, or I was just making up that desire to mask other problems I had.
Now I see that it’s not like I thought it was at all, that the only person that was actually stopping me was myself. Anyone can transition, there’s no certain way you have to look, no specific background you have to have. What it takes is desire and bravery.
Yes, that is exactly how I felt. Looking back it’s obvious I was just exceptionally good at playing the role I felt I had to though. I was good at it because it was all I knew how to be. I had practiced it forever, it was what had become comfortable for me.
What I didn’t realize was that wasn’t normal to have to try that hard. I was great at pretending to be a man, at acting like people expected me to, at playing the role.
I thought that’s how transitioning would feel, that I would have to learn how to pretend to be female. Except I didn’t, and it was much more about accepting myself and dropping the act than it was learning how to be someone else.
I am just me now. I’m not pretending to be anything, I’m not trying to be what anyone else wants. It doesn’t matter if anyone thinks I make a “good” or a “bad” woman anymore. It matters that I love who I am, I’m comfortable in my body, and I have hope for the future.