MacaqueAndCheese

Every year on Valentine's Day my neighbor's husband has been asking to borrow some bike chain lubricant, I know he uses it as lube to masturbate but I don't mind because everyone needs a little love on Valentine's Day.

This all changed 2 Valentine's days ago when he started asking for treadmill lubricant and I told him I don't have a treadmill but he insisted I give him treadmill lubricant, he held a machete to my throat and told me to drive to the nearest gym and break into the maintenance closet to get some of that sweet sweet treadmill lube. Well I refused and he killed me, I spent 4 days getting my head sewn back on by an army vet that happened to be at the gym so I was very thankful.

Since then, every Valentine's Day I squirt a little bit of treadmill lubricant on my neck scars in his honour.

Give me six cigarettes, a can of soup and Limp Bizkit's discography on repeat and I'll give you the best screen play you've ever read.

My nephews mom sent me one of these on Facebook once and I absolutely lost it because it was the same day that my coworker invited us all for a game of "five beers of defiance" but when we got there she roped us into a game of Russian roulette, except instead of a gun it was a beaker of piss.

She said some guy named Tom was kind enough to provide it and assured us that it was not in fact Tom from MySpace but rather a completely different person named Tom(who knew it was such a common name?).

Anyway we're all stuck there and the next bus doesn't come for 3 and a half more hours so we decide we'll play. Well this coworker failed to tell everyone that she has this disgusting pet turtle who likes to lick the laminate flooring in her living room so everyone's all pretty disgusted at this point and not really feeling the game of piss beaker roulette. We all wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday and go wait out in the rain for the bus. Longest 3 and a half hours of my life and when the bus finally arrived the driver's mom who was sitting in the passenger seat gave us shit for being soaking wet.

Of course, who doesn't want their air supply cut off on a far away planet

You know I used to think ai was pretty cool because I read a lot of sci-fi and in most sci-fi ai is a very useful tool but now that I've been living in reality for a good 2 years I've noticed that maybe this ai just isn't very nice. It's like that time I meet weird ai Yankovic and thought it was the real Weird Al but all he did was regurgitate edgy talking points and send me videos of giant boobed women dancing.

Needless to say, Bob Barker was pretty cool.

It was in Burkina Faso but I don't think it ever aired in the United States. If you use a VPN you should still be able to catch it

Which ones though? Acetaminophen? Caffeine? Carbon monoxide?

Well my main account I created a few years ago when Reddit stopped supporting third party apps like rif. Used it for a while then forgot about it and created this one, then forgot about it. Now I'm just having a bit of fun if you catch my drift.

I used to be friends with that bird but he kept going on and on about his opinions on TV shows. Like the family guy/Pinky and the brain crossover episode where Brain and Brian swap places and Brian gets drunk and tries to put lipstick on pinky but the lipstick is his dong. That goddamn bird was convinced that Seth MacFarlane and Steven Spielberg deserved to be charged under archaic obscenity laws for that one. I mean it's probably the dumbest goddamn episode of TV I've ever seen but let's not bring back 1950s broadcast standards over it.

Honestly she probably just wanted to make you feel better because you can't make her knobroll snacks.

Next time just tell her to go pick carrots to sell at the local farmers market. It's probably a better use of her time anyway.

If you're uncircumcised you can try a variation of this where you put peanut butter on your knob and then jam on your shaft then when you pull your foreskin over it you've got yourself a pb&j eggroll. If you're circumcised then I'd suggest some foreskin regeneration therapy so you can try making pb&j shlongrolls in a few years. No one should miss out.