MHLoppy

Local 34-year-old Meris Johnson reportedly stares at her phone for hours at a time in the morning and evening despite constantly championing her mindfulness and self-care routine, confirmed sources.

“I didn’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never really lived, you know? I think Taylor Swift came up with that,” mused Johnson from her studio in Atwater Village. “I came to the conclusion at the start of the year that I just needed to be living more intentionally. So instead of going back and forth between apps on my phone all day long, I now stick to one for a few hours at a time at the beginning and end of each day. Yes, sometimes you do have to trudge through some unsavory beheading and/or domestic terrorism videos before you get to the really emotionally grounding content, but it is always worth it.” [...]

Taylor Swift, Ryan Gosling and a host of other celebrities have been told to take extra security precautions, after the deaths of Ozzie Osbourne and Pope Francis failed to diminish public interest in the Epstein files.

An anonymous source said the White House’s strategy of flooding the media cycle with non-Epstein celebrity news may need to ramp up.

“We thought 48-hours of Osbourne retrospectives would do the trick. But no. It turns out people really want to see these damn files,” the source said. [...]

The Australian government has lifted its biosecurity restrictions against US beef, on the condition that the US agree to accept Australian Beef Wellington into the country.

To sell the Trump administration on the deal, Australia has sent Erin Patterson to the US as chief trade negotiator, in the hopes she secures a killer bargain.

“I know people have their concerns, but I promise there is nothing wrong with this meal. It is 100% safe to eat US beef,” Patterson said. [...]

Related: ABC News: Australia lifts biosecurity import restrictions on US beef

Lumo gives you the power to solve problems big and small, while keeping your personal data confidential. Try it now.

Less interested in the AI thing, more interested in this bit nested at the bottom of the page: (h/t Jonah Aragon)

Because of legal uncertainty around Swiss government proposals to introduce mass surveillance — proposals that have been outlawed in the EU — Proton is moving most of its physical infrastructure out of Switzerland. Lumo will be the first product to move.

Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of Epstein-related allegations plaguing his administration, embedded journalists report.

“Seriously, he’s bringing up Obama in 2025? We are literally right here being starved to death by the IDF and he’s out here talking about the 2016 election, which he fucking won. He should be posting videos of our skeletal bodies everywhere like keys being jingled to distract a baby,” said 11-year-old Khaled Hassan, whose entire family was killed at a food distribution point. “Like, this is like prime distraction territory, people love pretending to care about starving children in foreign countries. I would give anything for a 3 a.m. all-caps rant on Truth Social. At least then CNN might actually talk about us.” [...]

Controversy erupted in the Souls community this week after longtime FromSoft gamer Andy O’Reilly was caught on the jumbotron at a Coldplay concert playing Sekiro on his Steam Deck with cheat mods.

“This is a betrayal of the highest order,” wrote frequent forum contributor Marcus Strong. “Andy was a stalwart of this community. Not only was he always responding to others requests for help with sage advice like ‘git good’ and ‘skill issue’, but he was also one of our fiercest gatekeepers. No scrub could get past him. Any newcomer who even thought about easing into this genre with assists and accessibility settings were quickly swatted away by Andy. He cheated not just the game, but himself.” [...]

"We, the signatories listed below, come together with a simple, urgent message: the war in Gaza must end now," the statement said.

In short:

Australia has joined the United Kingdom, France and other countries in demanding an immediate end to the war in Gaza and for Israel to lift aid restrictions.

Israel says the statement is "disconnected from reality" and is urging countries to instead place pressure on Hamas.

What's next?

The 25 countries went on to urge other members of the international community to "unite in a common effort to bring this terrible conflict to an end".

ABC doesn't seem to have a link to the full statement, but I believe it's this: https://www.foreignminister.gov.au/minister/penny-wong/media-release/joint-statement-behalf-26-partners-occupied-palestinian-territories

This statement has been signed by:

• The Foreign Ministers of Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, The Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland and the UK
• The EU Commissioner for Equality, Preparedness and Crisis Management

Following a rigorous and exhaustive inquest, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has officially concluded that there is no war in Ba Sing Se, officials at the FBI confirmed Thursday.

“As part of our ongoing commitment to transparency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has conducted an exhaustive review of investigative holdings related to the alleged war in the four nations,” said FBI Director Kash Patel. “It was a long and arduous process, but we are very thankful to have had the cooperation of a local intelligence agency known as the Dai Li. After reviewing all of the facts and evidence available to us at this time, we are happy to report that the truth has been uncovered and there is, in fact, no war in Ba Sing Se.”

Earth Nation citizens, however, were quick to share their doubts regarding the FBI’s official verdict. We spoke with Kenji, a local zookeeper and activist in Ba Sing Se. [...]

Context for the non-political part: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/there-is-no-war-in-ba-sing-se

Local piece of shit Jesse Schweitzer was charged with impersonating a police officer after assaulting his entrapped girlfriend Denise Soderstrom, confirmed sources.

“His form was that of a 15-year veteran officer during a routine traffic stop,” said Officer Grady, responding to the call from a worried neighbor. “It was almost like I was the one who had been hitting her repeatedly, which is our go-to method for deescalating any situation. As law enforcement, the domestic abuse we can excuse. But doing it like one of us while not having the legal authority behind you to act with impunity? We can’t just overlook that. This behavior calls for a stern slap on the wrist.” [...]

Who, Me?: 'This, many considered, was bad'