MHLoppy

Metalhead James Kingor concluded that it’s just easier to let his family think he’s goth instead of constantly explaining the intricacies of metal and its various subgenres, resigned sources report.

“I’ve totally given up trying to tell my parents, siblings and cousins that being a metalhead is nothing like being goth,” Kingor sighed. “The other day, I went to visit my parents and my dad jokingly referred to me as ‘The Prince of Darkness’ because I was wearing a Municipal Waste shirt. They all think that I light black candles and watch ‘The Crow’ in my room while listening to Bauhaus. I just like to drink beer, play video games, hang out with my friends and cut the sleeves off of all of my shirts. There’s literally nothing goth about me, but it’s just easier to let my family assume I like Siouxsie and the Banshees. Trust me, convincing them otherwise is a wasted effort.” [...]

Without knowledge of proper safety measures, a strong current can turn a relaxing day at the beach into a deadly nightmare. Here are some tips for surviving a rip current: Do not try to swim against the current, but rather at a 34-degree angle relative to the wind, increasing by a factor of five for […]

Organisers of today’s pro-Palestine protest in Sydney have successfully addressed Premier Minns’ ‘concerns’ about the impact it would have on traffic, by seemingly getting the whole city off the roads and marching along side them.

“Turns out roughly a hundred thousand people wanted to cross the bridge at the time of the march,” said one organiser, “which would have been the worst traffic Sydney has ever seen, but luckily they were all protesters walking around so it was fine.” [...]

In short

A special counsel sent investigators to retrieve South Korea’s former president Yoon Suk Yeol from a detention centre near Seoul after he twice defied requests to attend questioning.

Yoon resorted to a new method to resist, by taking off his prison uniform and lying down on the floor of his detention room.

Counsel team members refrained from using physical means out of safety concerns, but notified Yoon that they would execute the warrant next time.

(Note: this source uses two headlines for most posts; the headline in the submission is the shorter one)

Most people will tell you Disney magic is something you only see in movies or after an unlicensed mushroom retreat. But to those cynics, I say, Disney magic is real! And I found it inside an Outback Steakhouse dumpster.

Several weeks ago, I had returned to my regular routine of dumpster diving after forming a fragile ceasefire with the local raccoons. I had come upon a garbage bag full of gently used bloomin’ onions when I came face to face with a common roof rat (rooficus ratticus).

I screamed at the rodent, threatening to “assfuck it in the mouth” if it didn’t turn tail and buzz off. But the rat, having no respect for mine and the raccoon’s truce, lunged at me, first working the face, before diving headlong into my already tattered pants. [...]

Terrorist organization ISIS is taking credit for a stylish TikTok video showing masked figures successfully reattaching a man’s severed head, according to pleasantly surprised sources.

“We met with a public relations agency and asked plainly, ‘Why do so many people hate and fear us?’ They said it probably has to do with all the bombings and beheadings,” said ISIS spokesman Kassem Al-Azraq. “They helped us produce the video, which has done so much to rehabilitate our image. The agency used CG to make it appear that a man’s head had been restored to his body. The smiling man then stands up, shakes all of the ISIS members’ hands, and they pose for a photo together. The swelling score really makes it quite moving. Hashtag isisgoodguysnow.”

TikTok users have been excitedly spreading the video and sharing their reactions to the heartening content.

Yosef Peretz, an IDF soldier stationed in watch towers at a Gaza Humanitarian Foundation aid station, is fearing for his life after seeing Palestinian babies getting scraps of food that might sustain them for the next few hours, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night ever since the food started arriving in Gaza. Just yesterday I saw a four-year-old girl smile while eating handfuls of raw rice, I took that as a direct attack on me and on Israel because I know Hamas is somewhere in that girl’s stomach cooking that rice and making it into a bomb that they will drop on an innocent Israeli baby,” said Peretz. “And just this morning, I saw a newborn baby eating some sort of paste. Now that baby might have enough energy to storm the guard towers and I’ll be forced to engage in hand-to-hand combat. I know that baby has been radicalized by Hamas, and it could take me hostage.” [...]

The Epstein thorn in the side of Trump doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon after the WSJ recently discovered Trump’s friendship bracelet reading the word “Jeffrey”.

Trump, who has frantically been attempting to create as much space between him and Epstein as possible, hasn’t found much success between a media determined to expose him and a voter base determined not to drop the issue.

Despite Trump dismissing concerns from his voters that he may be involved in the cover up of a conspiracy he ran on exposing, it seems as though every week new information proves his connection with Jeffrey Epstein runs deep.

The newest bombshell tying Trump to Epstein, published by The Wall Street journal, reveals that he kept a friendship bracelet from Jeffrey Epstein the top draw of his White House desk. [...]

Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong has slammed reports that Australia still sells ‘weapons parts’ to Darth Vader, clarifying that any parts Australia makes for the construction of the Death Star are ‘non-lethal’.

“It is gross misinformation to say that we are in any way part of the Death Star trade just because we sell parts for it,” said Wong.

“The death laser is the lethal part. We don’t sell the laser energy. We only provide parts that help them shoot the laser beam.”

Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong has slammed reports that Australia still sells ‘weapons parts’ to Darth Vader, clarifying that any parts Australia makes for the construction of the Death Star are ‘non-lethal’.

“It is gross misinformation to say that we are in any way part of the Death Star trade just because we sell parts for it,” said Wong.

“The death laser is the lethal part. We don’t sell the laser energy. We only provide parts that help them shoot the laser beam.” [...]