What's your story, cowboycrustation?
Krrygon
joined 2 years ago
Sadly too late, the eclipse is past us :(
My dark and brooding backstory? Idk how deep to go into it, but I can give the cliff notes of what lead up to my transition. (It ended up longer than I expected, apologies)
All my life, I've had a deep admiration for women. I didn't actually have a sexual awakening until I was like 22, so very late compared to most of my friends. I just felt this extreme envy of the opposite sex, and I was like "this must be what other people mean by attraction" lol. I spent most of my years feeling like I didn't fit into my box. When my dude friends talked about girls, I just could not relate at all. I couldn't get into the macho, masculine role it seemed like I was supposed to fill. I did musical theater in high school, and was exposed to the wider gamut of gender expression and sexuality through it, since in my experience theater communities tend to be pretty diverse in that way. I saw friends transition, but I didn't think it was something that was actually possible for me.
When I became an adult, moved out and was living with friends, that's when something inside me clicked, the hormones turned on, and I was overwhelmed by a new side to life I hadn't previously been experiencing. I got on dating apps, went on many dates, had one or two short term girlfriends, but I found that my heart just was not in it. I liked girls, and still do, but again I felt like something about this dynamic I was inserting myself into wasn't fitting.
During this period, I also spent a lot of time on grindr talking to various dudes and meeting up, having encounters, etc. Grindr is a wretched place but it felt like a very low-stakes environment to experiment with all these new feelings I was having. After a while, I found that I still couldn't shake the feeling that people were expecting things of me I just couldn't gel with. Like "if only I could have gay sex, but like, as a woman, you know?"
I found that I was so much happier with myself when I got rid of all my body hair. For some stupid reason though, I thought my friends would judge me if they saw me like that, so when we made water related plans I would get anxious and let it grow out until that event was over. I felt like I had to balance the times when I could be myself with the times I needed to fill the expectations of people in my life.
All of this time, I was DEEPLY unhappy. I had been unbelievably anxious and struggling with major depression for most of my life, and so around a few years ago I started to seek help and try to improve myself. I got therapy, learned I was experiencing OCD, got medicated, and suddenly didn't feel insane all the time. I made new friends, filled my life with social events, and felt less alone. I tried new substances, accidentally had an extreme mushroom trip, and felt a strange, detached clarity I didn't imagine was possible.
All in all, I started to live happier, and no longer caught up in these wells of depression from which I could not escape. Finally I was unburdened by baggage that had been weighing me down for so long, and with my newfound clarity of thought, I could start looking at my life and piecing things together. I'd had the DIY HRT resources open on my computer for a whole year, but now I had the mental fortitude and courage to do something about it, combined with a support structure I felt confident in. I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood and I never looked back.
Finally I feel like I "fit." I can be myself all year, and not have to worry about if I'm not performing masculinity enough for the people around me. I just feel myself, and I feel free. I have never been happier.
Sorry you've had to go without binding for a bit dude, that's no fun at all. Dysphoria blows, but it's really cool that you'll at least get to buy a bass soon and start learning! Playing guitar always makes me happy, hoping it will do the same for you
Thanks cowboycrustation. Yeah despite living in a mostly conservative pocket of Washington, that was the worst experience I have had so far, so I do at least consider myself lucky. I expect there will be more stuff like that in the future as I am more openly trans, but I think I can tolerate that in the pursuit of being true to myself.
If he was a member of staff at the bar, I absolutely would complain, but he was just a temporary guest who works for a different company, and I don't think he'll return. Everybody who works there has always been nice to me
It's been ok. Last night I went to a queer friendly bar and the event of the evening was a gin tasting thing where you pay $20 and try a flight of fancy gins. I bought it with friends, and the dude doing the tasting was not a member of staff, he was a gin vendor only in for the evening. He was super bubbly and friendly to everybody before us, and explained the taste profiles of the gin and their backstories, etc. But when we went up and he asked us our names, as soon as he heard me speak he shut down immediately. We spent half an hour in awkward silence tasting gins,and he was outright rude when I asked him questions to try to kickstart a conversation. He didn't even tell us the names of the drinks he was pouring, let alone their flavors or whatever. This has never happened to me before, and it sucked to be locked in to it. Really ruined my night, but the rest of the week was fine
LMAO, yeah it felt a lot like that. I also felt very silly, like, whoops I guess I was coming at this aallll wrong.
Thank you! Trans joy does kick ass.
That's really awesome to hear that your depression dialed down so soon after starting T! It's funny how that works. I have never been happier than when I started E. We switched hormones in opposite directions and both of us ended up happier haha.
I get what you mean about that dread of heart disease. When I started hrt they kept telling me that it might make me get blood clots and die lol. It didn't happen, at least not so far, but some of those side effects they tell you are quite scary
I am about eight months into medically transitioning, mtf. Over these last few years, I have been on a journey of taking better care of myself and becoming healthier, happier. I was working out really consistently, and I started to see myself developing a muscular dude body, and I kept looking in the mirror like "I should be happy about this, but I am actually getting further away from how I feel inside." That's when it ocurred to me that I have been trying to fit into a box all my life that I don't fit into, and I started thinking about transition.
This last year has easily been the happiest of my life, and the changes I see in myself bring me joy instead of dysphoria. Not a regret in my mind
Funny that there were four cis men and exactly zero cis women. Our community is out of balance!
There's quite an imbalance! I wonder why that is
This is true. I remember one product called Femboy Tummy Pills that was just poison. I just had my HRT checkup, and I forgot to ask about prog so I am impatient lol. Might be best just to wait, thanks!