Kolibri
on one hand, my hand is cold. on the other hand, my hand is cold. my hands are cold
@Commiejones@hexbear.net thanks for that one sign language resource! I finally got around to like really checking out and stuff. It's not too bad, and it's kind of fun even! I kind of like it in a way? Since I tend to use my hands a lot when trying to speak. and this just feels more fluid in a way? Compared to like trying to speak that feels more rough if that makes sense. I also heard grammar a bit different in sign language so I need to go read about some of that. but it is a different language so I dunno why it wouldnt.
venting about health issues now!
I got like very anxious worried of like my dad not getting up. but he did! and he in a better mood to, so that good! however. when I was getting very anxious. I felt like my heart.. squeeze? and then like my right hand went tingly! and I almost threw up. lasted for like a few minutes before going away. a panic attack I think?
but this is great. I'm doing great. not really. also I can't sleep again!
Would you rather just like, let those trying to villianize Hamas be successful? When Hamas are doing heroic things and doing things like fighting against genocide and being a major force against everything Israel doing? Like why should any ground be given to those who want to condemn Hamas? Fuck anyone trying to condemn Hamas
No, what kind of take is this? People shouldn't concede ground to those trying to villianize Hamas, when Hamas is fighting against genocide. If anything Hamas needs more support
venting about my dad like always since like probably half my comments are about my dad or mom or whatever. cw: alcoholism, and a bit of suicide thoughts, and like, I dunno how to word this, maybe a bit of graphic descriptions I think? just being safe just in case
I dunno why like. I was talking to a friend earlier today, and I talked a little about why I don't like visiting/checking up substance abuse forums, mainly with alcohol. like those support groups? whether its adult children or alanon or whatever. besides like the religious stuff thrown into some of those that I dislike, I don't like.... Reading what other people are saying who are dealing with similar stuff or like past people with their past voices writing stuff to of same stuff. because it just too painful?
it's all way too upsetting. that I legit just cant go to those places because I can't handle it. because it too much. and a lot of those reminds me way too much of my dad, and also like, sends me a bit on like overdrive? that like my dad could just die tomorrow from his drinking. and he probably could to.. he is old. and he can't keep doing this heavy drinking constantly to himself.
anyways like. guess who decided to check those places out! just not too long ago! me! why? because I dunno. and of course like it was pretty upsetting. I think this is one of the reasons I tend to vent on here is like, those places are kind of just like.. too much? anyways I saw someone talking about how their dad like, blackout and hit his head on cement. and like. just reminded me of my dad a few times in the past. where like twice or three times that happened? and one time like someone called an ambulance and he woke up and refused. I guess the reason I don't like those support groups is it involves a bunch of opening of stuff.. that I don't think I'm ready to deal with right now.
I was also talking to a friend how I cant play disco elysium because like those support groups, that just way too much to and I just can't. anyways. I really hate alcohol. I hate it. I'm happy my mom was able to stop drinking. To bad she couldn't give up smoking since that what helped killed her in the end.
among a few other things. just like. sometimes I can't help but feel like. no matter what. this only ends in sorrow? sadness. tragedy. despair. that this is the only way these things will end. I don't want to think that, and would like to think that like. my dad will like. stop drinking and get help. but the reality is like. he keeps refusing help. no matter what. doesn't matter how many people, friends or family, constantly try to tell him to get help, or give him substance abuse advice and that. it does not matter. and just feels like no matter what this ends in sadness someway or another. just only ends one way.... only ends in death.
even if like I was to get away. If I ever learned like my dad dranked himself to death. I think that would absolutely destroy me. esp. since like I don't want to feel like I abandoned my dad if I left? but then again, this is already destroying me now. that sometimes I think how nice it would be for sweet death to come and just take me away because this is all just way too much, esp with other things like with the death of my mom last year. I think about death way too much.
anyways. I just. I dunno why I did this to myself. I shouldn't have looked at those support forums. and that my fault. I was just thinking of today and stuff lately. where like. his cough gets worse. he eating lesser and lesser again. he hardly drinking water anymore to. and today he came home in like a bad mood and I just generally avoided him since something up, but when he in a bad mood. it's instinct to just shut down, be quiet, and avoid him and be silent and not make much noise.
it just starting to remind me too much of last year. and I keep talking about last year! last year! last year! last year! but last year was bad. whether its my mom dying/going into her death spiral/ and then dying, or my dad almost dying to. because he got very bad. and just. I dunno. I keep saying I dunno but I think when I say "I dunno" sometimes. I'm sometimes having trouble expressing the thoughts and feelings im feeling into words since sometimes language is very limiting. just I dunno! put heavy indescribable feeling here or something!
and adding this on to later on editing. but like. it's really hard to find any semblance or of hope or reason just to keep going and going. because everything just feels so bleak and grim. like why am I still here? I dunno. I'd like to think there a reason like some sort of fate or something. but still. it all just feels so dark. but no matter what. nothing will ever be the same again. just like with the death of my mom. or like with all of last year. just things won't ever be the same. things will have changed. but that just the nature of things.
Oh Blowback the worst with this! I tried listening to a few of their stuff and that happens every time.
venting about my dad
my dad came home from somewhere, and I can already tell he is in a mood and that I'm just gonna avoid him for the rest of the night if I can. of course its also friday to and weekends are the worst, esp. sundays. weekend offically starting, like every other week. and he just gonna get very drunk. well he like getting drunk every day, but gets really bad on wekends and just.
one day these things will end, one day. a thing I hate about this is how I feel the need to be very quiet? silent? not to make a noise. because I am feeling that very strongly right now.
I'm starting to get episodes of sleep paralysis again, after like, not having them for like a year or two.