Kolibri
Vol 2 gonna be fun to read. I really like reading Volume 1 especially since like, it cleared up some things I was a bit confused on, and helped like. Refine like the general picture a little more? But it just nice like, pretty much jumping deep into this stuff and then getting a better understanding of things than before. I do kind of want to re-read vol 1 later on in the future since there just a lot to everything Marx wrote?
I had this really nice dream of just carrying a possum with me while walking around where im at. I dunno why a possum, but my dream decided there had to be a possum.
venting about my dad again cw: alcoholism, suicide, I dunno
I got over not wanting to eat and drinking water last night. but now I feel really foolish I dunno. because now I def don't want to again. Mainly because no big surprise. My dad just woke up and first thing he did is immediately start to drink. I dunno what his point was of going to that church group or whatever if he still gonna drink like this. Since he really can't be doing this anymore unless if he has a death wish at this point. He too old for this. He probably already damage his organs to in the past as well.
He just gonna die isn't he? And this is just how it's gonna go. Its already feeling more again just like last year. where he stopped eating, starting puking a lot, and started shaking a lot. and like other things. he was telling me yesterday how he starting to shake a lot if he goes too long without drinking. only difference now is I don't have to simultaneously take care of my mom as she was going into a death spiral before dying last year.
and again. despite him going to a church group now. .he only went once.. I hope he goes more, but that seems like all he gonna do. when like, if he getting to this point again, he really needs to safely get off it or something. but he won't and I can't force him. and like I also know he can't quit suddenly either since that dangerous, but that doesn't mean like it excuses him like with yesterday with drinking since morning until all night. and he just gonna do it again today. and then tomorrow friday... and the weekends.. and he just not gonna stop... because its the weekends. and things are always worse on the weekends.
and I really wish I was dead. I don't know why I bothered to eat last night. I wish I could just die in my sleep already. there like a really big pain in my soul at this point. that just like. There a very very deep pain. I just wish for the end to come already.
I'm realizing how I seriously can't like, touch anything cold anymore without it immediately hurting fast
venting again about my dad cw: suicide, alcoholism,
I dunno why I got excited yesterday about my dad going to that group for drinking. Since of course. He still drinking, and like, again. not drinking any water. At least he ate today, meanwhile I think I'll pass on eating or water today. Also he is mad about something today because I just got finished doing dishes, hearing him rant about like stuff from the mailman to something else. and just like.. wanted to get dishes done.
I wish I could just die already. I don't want to be alive. My fault for getting hopeful and optimistic for thinking maybe things might change for the better. I dunno even know why I got excited, it's like, every time and every time I feel like silly, for thinking maybe this all will end. but no! and then I just get false hopes up and stuff.
I dunno. Last night he talked a lot about stopping today, but that not happening and like for a moment I got hopeful. I think I'm just going back to sleep.
thanks moon for giving me a jumpscare
My dad decided to go to this one group at a church here to help with his drinking. and I hope it helps. At the very least, like at least he doing something. and maybe things won't end badly like him drinking himself to death.
I don't have a different bed unfortunately. I do know kind of how to break out of it, except like, it's really hard to do. But also knowing to calm myself down, but that also like. really hard to do. at least with like trying to remember to do that? because im too busy getting worried about like.. suddenly worried of aliens trying to take me despite it not being real. Anyways like when this happened today it really caught me off guard
I am seriously dreading about getting sleep paralysis episodes again. like. fuck that. it was really bad like two years ago or whenever it was. and it got to the point of like. being unable to sleep without the lights on and having my door locked and honestly being pretty afraid to sleep. because I get like, as silly as this is, alien abduction sleep paralysis stuff. and seriously. just why. I know it's not real. but in those moments. it feels extremely real and that fear is extremely real
and just like 
why. why is this sleep paralysis coming back