Kolibri

ugh, I really need to do something instead of just being constantly stuck in limbo and not really doing anything. kind of just also complaining since my sleep got disrupted up again and that is really killing me, and im just in a exhausted mood

It's really nice that it's warm outside again

I don't know how to lie

Being serious here. It just like. Marx made me cry in the sense of like, he used a phrase my mom used so much and it just reminded me of my mom. and thanks Marx.

Mainly Marx used 'one Iota' and it reminded me of my mom who would say "not one iota" or some variation of that a lot. It just like Marx using it in a similar way just reminded me of my mom.

also seriously like, what an Iota anyways, where did that phrase even come from now that I think about it. anyways like, really wasn't expecting to be randomly hit by a wave of grief from Marx.

I forgot how trippy false awakening are

Yea I kind of just meant more like, just straining for notes or scales and maintaining it without interruptions, but that has more to do with like needing to do it more like a physical exercise. so it is a different kind of not getting it compared to words, and maybe I should've have rephrased that better. but it is different than trying to speak words and all that. just some of the speech problems have to do with having trouble with like controlling my throat or like all the parts for like speech. I remember a past speech therapist telling me to trying to be more mindful of my breathing when speaking.

It just feels like, I dunno. Like for me this doesn't come naturally and I have to be mindful about some things, where as with others it just comes naturally to them like walking. So it just gets like frustrating a bit, especially when being unable to do some things where others just understand easily. Anyways thanks! It's most likely I'm just gonna continue just being silent, I dunno. I should try at least doing that hitting notes some more and stuff at least. Just for like that physical exercise for the vocal stuff

My dad pretty much is ever since he retired a few years ago, and I just don't really like making much noise when he's around, especially when he keeps drinking too much. If I still had this one job where I was a custodian doing night shift, that would've been a good time

I have tried some of those pitch apps, and such but that still a bit frustrating as well. Trying to hit like those pitches and like maintaining that pitch. This does remind me of a past speech therapist, recording and playing back what I said and trying to offer improvements, but it just like again. I dunno, I just don't "get it". It just very difficult. and sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult here while you're trying to help, and thanks for trying to help.

It's sort of complicated? I don't like speaking due to how frustrating it is to communicate, esp when misunderstandings come into play. Like I say a word, but someone hears a different one, or they try to guess what I said since they didn't understand me at all and I just sounded like a bunch of garbled noise. However at the same time, I also don't like hearing myself? Since there is some internalized ableism due to people really judging me in the past, but also like some voice gender dyphoria to? For never having voice trained? Except like, I can ignore that honestly? It's really not much of an issue hearing myself.

It might be helpful to explain like what my speech issues are?

I forgot the name for these. But a problem I have is like. In my head, I feel like im saying the word right, when Im speaking, it feels like im saying the word right. To me it sounds right, especially when im concreting on the articulation. But I am not saying the word right to everyone else. And one of the problems is articulating? And I remember a long time ago having to learn how to use like use the tongue and stuff in proper ways. However that like, for some reason for me, really hard to do? I don't know why I have trouble just "getting it" or like, using all the vocal parts for sound right. It just like. It just doesn't come to me even when trying to put effort into trying to make a certain sound. I recall a few times getting frustrated in speech therapy trying to make a certain sound that I just have trouble making the right way for some reason, since it like, I'm not getting it or something. Even when like past speech therapists tried to show me how and I still couldn't just "get it" right

Besides that, there also the issue of speaking too quietly, despite to me, sounding normal to everyone else. And trying to speak louder feels very hard to do.

But besides that there also just kind of like. More so a recent problem in the last few years where sometimes my vocal chords just don't want to work some days. As in like, some days. I try to say something, no words come out just air. So I have try again until I can finally get words to come out. However that happens just on some days. Other days my vocal cords just feel stressed, despite not using them, where it just hard to talk. Like very strained?

I know an issue is like, not having much chances to talk much. And doing something like reading aloud could help a bit. But I don't like doing that since I don't want anyone hearing me, like my dad if he not asleep.

sorry for that lengthy response, it just kind of a bunch of stuff.

Someone on here gave me a website that displays some sign language signs. Which is nice. Just a problem I realized afterwards later on, is sort of like. It is another language and I have no one to practice that with, but also like. I really don't know how many people even know sign language where I'm at that it's even worth it? I only met one person ever who offered to communicate with me in sign language, despite not knowing it.

But like besides that, I can't really do that for telephone stuff. And just like. I dunno. I just don't want to bother physically speaking anymore at times. Just feels like I'm on a world of my own, like a ghost, not really able to interact with this world "right". Everyone on a different wavelength or level than whatever I'm on.

I did have this one psychiatrist once in the past, who kind of told me how this is gonna create issues if not addressed, and she was right. But im not sure what to do, since I already been through speech therapy in the past? Like while growing up, but here I am still struggling to speak. Just I dunno.

venting, but I had to make a phone call earlier. And in a way it honestly makes me want to cry. Mainly because of like having trouble speaking in general and phone calls make everything worse where the person on the other end was getting frustrated with me. and like sorry for having trouble speaking! I already feel bad enough for being unable to pronounce my name sometimes. since that feels pretty embarrassing at times

I hate how I have trouble speaking. I hate how isolating it is, and I hate how like, a lot of people just constantly misunderstand me. And it's getting to the point where im legitimately just don't want to talk to ever again. because I hate this. I hate being misunderstood. I hate the isolation that comes with this.

Ironic in a way, being a social animal that cant even do the social shit right. im also tired of what just feels like relegated or cast away from society for being unable to talk properly. especially because like, people do judge for this. people do judge someone if they have issues speaking. and people have judged me for this shit in the past. people can say people don't judge for this.. but people do. and it hurts.

and if its not being judged, its the misunderstanding that also hurts to. I remember while I was at a store, someone made a joke, I smiled and did like a silent laugh, however I had a mask on, so a bit hard to tell. but anyways the other person seem liked, I just ignored them, and got irritated at me for that. like sorry for non verbally communicating! because im use to being quiet and communicating in some non verbal ways.

I really feel like I have no place in this world, especially since this is a speaking world. and this also makes me feel very useless to at times to