Kolibri

but like besides that, I manage to fall back asleep despite being really hungry. and then I had dreams of my mom. and I hate how vivid they were. It felt like she was alive, and when I woke up again, I was very like, confused. before like waking up more and realizing that like she gone. and just quickly reprocessing that all.

and this reminded me of like. why does my dad just not seem to care that like she dead? I know like they broke up like almost a decade ago because of his drinking. but like still. he knew her for at least some decades before that. and just nothing? nothing?? he didn't even want to go to her funeral, he only went because of me. of course doesn't help that like. one my siblings s.o threaten to beat my dad up and to stay away from said sibling over the phone.

but just still. like. my sibling wasn't always around my mom. and when my mom was like dying. she said she was okay with seeing him. and it sounded like my mom wanted to see him. but like. did my dad ever show up to talk to her or to see her? no. not even in the hospital or when she was in hospice.

trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he just keeping it all to himself or something.. but a part of me really doubts that. I sometimes really hate being alive, I hate being here. just endless misery. well that not always true, there are some good moments in between it all. but still. sometimes it would just be nice to just, not be here.

I dunno why im thinking about her so much lately. I guess probably because it's almost getting close to a year now since she died. and like around this time, things were really rough between my dad drinking himself to death, getting mad at me for like needing him to drive me to my moms, and then my mom and siblings getting mad at me for not doing enough for her because I couldn't be there 24/7 because watching out for my dad while trying not to like, get on his bad side and avoiding his drinking. I think some of my sleep issues stem from like having to wake really early, just before like my dad started drinking. so he could take me. and like bring me back before he started drinking. but also like, making sure my dad would wake up in the morning. but then again, my sleep always been fucked so I dunno!

I know grief like not easy and stuff and like death is never easy? just I dunno. like my stomach hating me right now is like reminding me of my mom before like. she needed to go to the hospital. before she went to the hospital, she like. didn't want to go? and she had me come over to like, cook and clean for her and help her with stuff. except like, that wasn't going to work out this time. since like. she had sepsis. when I saw her, something was def. wrong. and like when she tried to go use the restroom, I still like, remember her like screams of pain? anyways she got like really angry at me for like telling her she needed to go the ER and an ambulance and getting that there. she did like apologize later on once she learned she had sepsis when at the hospital. I dunno why that still bothers me, just mainly like her screams when using the restroom. that like what's really getting to me.

and I guess another thing bothering me is just like. how transphobic she was at times. like not going into that. but it def. like. makes this a more harder to process. maybe its like why I remembered that song? I dunno. ugh all this stuff from this year alone makes me feel like I really like exhausting myself to death. like probably actually? I really need to get my weight up since I am very underweight again

really "nice" how my dad doesn't really seem to notice that like I dunno. I just might be struggling.. just a bit! I dunno! like besides the whole not eating at times, there like the fucked sleep issues. not much concern from him. meanwhile I got a lot of concern for him when he's drinking or like, his cough. but whatever, I remember last year or whenever when he was drunk, how he belittled me saying I'm just like "one of the good mentally ill ones!" like thanks for dehumanizing me! sometimes I think how nice it would just be to not wake up and just like give up, since sometimes I def. feel like I would not be missed. just an annoyance, a burden. a pest no one really wants to deal with. but I also understand that just like I dunno, emotional pain speaking along with some depression. whatever, im just gonna go like play xcom 2 or gw2 or watch a movie or something. I haven't really been doing anything fun. kind of just been sitting around, doing nothing.