Kolibri
my dad suddenly asked me a question about corn and I kept thinking of this emote the entire time 
probably easier said than done, but new goal today is to not get upset. just mainly because last night, getting very upset gave me a migraine, again. and in the same spot to. and it felt like someone was stabbing me on the side of my face. and made it hard to fall asleep.
fucking damn it. im trying to do that weekly das kapital reading. but I can't because now im just getting upset about my mom being gone. and I don't know why im getting upset about her again, right now. she gone and just like. im tired of dealing with this alone and I wish I wasn't alone with it and I wish my dad wasn't like drinking himself to death
This part from section 17 reminded me a lot of imperialism and reminded me of what Parenti said. Mainly this part from Parenti. "These countries are not underdeveloped, they are over exploited"
If the intensity of labour were to increase simultaneously and equally in every branch of industry, then the new and higher degree of intensity would become the normal degree for the society, and would therefore cease to be taken account of. But still, even then, the intensity of labour would be different in different countries, and would modify the international application of the law of value. The more intense working-day of one nation would be represented by a greater sum of money than would the less intense day of another nation.
Hopefully I can word this right. I'm gonna rant
cw: grief
With my mom dying last year, grief is just making me realize, like. how hard grief is. but it also just reminds me of like how there no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief just is. In a way it feels like, under capitalism or society or I dunno. It makes things like grieving. To be like it's a simple process, like if your in an assembly line. But instead its like, you cry here at this point, or get upset at that at this point in time, but eventually it will be done. like a finished product? and that its over. to add, you got that silly "five stages of grief" that pretty bs. and goes back to what I mean how it's feels like it's suppose to be like a product on an assembly line.
also speaking of this, I really hate that there a thing called "Prolonged grief disorder" that fucking like, pathologizing fucking grief. like why the fuck is that even a thing? like oh no, someone not grieving the right way, lets pathologize them! especially since like, obviously there only one proper way to grief of course! and like, fuck off. you don't just get over this and there no fucking "proper" way to go about this. and whoever came up with it should like, go "properly" fuck themselves for trying to pathologize grief out of all fucking things.
anyways there also like that atomization aspect to, like grief is just "suppose" to be something you generally do "alone". again like in an assembly line. and why would it be a feeling you deal alone, grief a pretty social emotion in lots of ways no? since it's literally reacting to the loss of someone else. someone that was like a part of this world. had social connections and social relations to others. and then there like all sorts of death/funeral/grief customs and stuff all over the world in past and present. How is it just something you just deal with alone?
I guess in some way im getting a little upset at how like, I was pretty much generally left alone to deal with this, and it's almost a year, and im just suppose to be over this? I know it will hurt less, but there is always gonna be that loss in some way. even if like it was very complicated with my mom. but I hate there this expectation that since it's almost been a year, it's "time to stop getting upset and move on." and fuck that. why the fuck is there even a time table attached to grief out of all things. should we attach time tables to other emotions to like anger, depression, despair, joy, happiness to? why is grief the one given a time table?
also speaking of emotions. why the fuck are emotions anyways treated as an individual thing? emotions can be pretty social of itself.
nice! I did look over the chapters at least, it doesn't seem to bad. as in like, the chapters seem short. ch.15 was a lot.
I got some sleep, and hopefully today can be better. and maybe I can do the weekly das kapital bookclub reading tonight because I don't want to fall behind. either that or I could just go spiral mentally all over again, today pretty much open to anything. maybe I could do both or none at all and just do something else
eugh who needs sleep anyways. I tried to nap, but my dad's coughing stopped me and I went to check on him to make sure he not like, choking or anything because he passed out on his chair again. and he fine. just that cough he refuses to not get check out for like the I dunno how long anymore. whenever october was. and just. im really exhausted again.
My dad rather difficult sometimes, but it couldn't hurt to try. I have done that instacart stuff, but with my mom. When I was unable to go to her place some days. She would call me and I'd place it online. Except it wasn't curbside, it was delivery because she was unable to go anywhere last year before passing away. Im not sure why im mentioning that, it just reminded me of my mom
I sometimes really hate grocery shopping with my dad. Venting... again. like always because that only what im good for and also being useless
cw: alcoholism, suicide, eating related stuff
Me and my dad went to get groceries today. Technically I had to push him to go because despite him saying yesterday we will go today, he didn't feel like going. And we needed to go because I'm not gonna fucking deal with rationing food again because he doesn't feel like going to the grocery store. I hate having like ration shit because oh no, he doesn't want to go to the store! fuck this reminded like years ago where there was hardly any food and my dad didn't want to go to the store, meanwhile he was getting takeout or going to his mom's to eat. and like I get he hates going to the store. I don't like going to, but it must be done? it's easier to just get it over with?
also another reason I pushed him is because like. I had to wake up early or at least wake up with hardly fucking any sleep again. and I'm not gonna be able to do that tomorrow. like I'm very sleep deprived. and besides, kind of inconsiderate of him to be like "hey lets go to the store tomorrow. be up early!" and then tomorrow comes and then he like "nah! maybe we can go tomorrow?" and then I'm gonna have to fuck up my sleep again more and be even more sleep deprived.
Anyways along the way to the store, he just kept being mad about this one thing. Mainly something related to plumbing and the town/city. and like okay! I get it! but he kept just going on the same thing for like 30 minutes. and er. I get he mad and he has a right to, but like. I tried to steer the conversation away, and he just kept going back to it. I started to go quiet, he just kept talking about it. Doesn't help earlier he was on the phone talking to his friends about it. Just.. it's tiring. Anyways at the store, like. He got some stuff telling me how I had to cook it for him, without like even asking me if I was okay with that? Like okay?! He could've at least ask because if he asked, I probably wouldn't have mind. but instead, just assume I will because I cooked for him in the past.
oh this reminded me of something yesterday to. I was making some food, and my dad was about to take it from me without saying anything, because he just assumed I was making it for him. meanwhile, like I was very hungry yesterday. I only weigh like 92 pounds? and didn't really eat the day before? speaking of this, it really annoys me when my dad like "wow you can eat anything and still be skinny!" when like?!?! maybe I can eat anything because I'm HARDLY FUCKING EATING TO BEGIN WITH AT TIMES. and then sometimes he makes snide comments about when I do eat, how im eating too much.
also like he tried to randomly talk to some lady we both don't know, and I tried to get him to stop because she clearly wanted to be left alone. and it just fucking embarrassing. anyways, once were done. he started to get mad about the price of groceries. and like I know! I know! and 
but that not the end. on the way home, he decided to stop by the bar that has a drive thru window to pick up alcohol. and like why. I hate that he did that. especially because like this bar that he went to? this bar is one my mom would go to after picking me up after school when I was young. she would then just go to the fucking drive thru to pick up alcohol. and I don't want to be reminded of that. especially now with my mom dead.
anyways. we get home. and I saw this really beautiful and big crow. and it would've been a positive moment, if it wasn't for my dad decided to tell me how much he hates crows and just like.
I'm honestly fucking tired and I wish I was dead. I hate being alive. Of course I'm also saying this because lack of sleep again. I hate this. Also like, this sleep deprivation is really hurting me because like. if I don't take a nap later on, im just going to be out of it completely again. and im tired of being out of it because like I want to do things like read or something else. instead of being in this like, blank state, or like a zombie, just like not there. and just. I hate being alive at times.