JokeDeity

I appreciate everyone in this thread immensely, but as I said to someone else, I don't want to burden people with DMs and I also have such little energy that talking can quickly become exhausting, so I don't want anyone to think I'm ghosting them or ungrateful.

I REALLY like that fence analogy.

I appreciate how unique your take is. I appreciate everyone's advice here, but yours comes off as a very different way of looking at things.

I hate admitting this, but I absolutely struggle to read books, the last book I read was well over a decade ago. I read a lot of text, but in short form. My attention span is absolutely fucked and that's regardless of current depression. I was diagnosed and prescribed for ADHD but the meds made my depression so much worse amount l among other things, the AD and anti anxiety meds have been more helpful to me at least I can say.

Thanks, I am on Wellbutrin and take Busparin 3x daily. You're absolutely right that I've been trained all my life to not show emotion, and it really fucking sucks sometimes to feel the need to cry and not be able to make it happen. Not that it's impossible, I actually cried with my exes mother yesterday, but it's just really really difficult to do unless my emotions hit serious extremes.

I don't want to burden strangers with DMs, because I have such poor energy right now that even responding to these comments feels exhausting and mentally taxing and it's all supportive and kind words, I just don't want to have someone put effort into helping me and then think I ghosted them and wasn't grateful; this post was my attempt to kind of talk to people about my issues in a sorry l sort of way. I've lost most of my friends over time and as mentioned, I feel so low I don't want to reach out to people I know IRL. I struggle more now than ever to go be publicly social.

Without fail, every single person on Lemmy makes so much more money than me that when they suggest a low figure it's still far more than I make. I've never made close to 40k in a year, even when working full time.

My mind loves to keep me locked into the negativity, if I tried this I suspect I wouldn't be able to not just fall into the dark.

I'm just not mentally strong enough to face writing down 10 years of ups and downs at this moment in time, and I've never really been into writing much, I never properly trained my brain for it. I walk a TON at my job and I go to the gym, but nothing is actually capable of keeping my mind from dragging me back to her every five minutes.

It was, I phrased it in a way that now I realize sounds like she died, but actually she left me for a guy who is the complete opposite of me in every possible way from visually to mentally.

It's going to be a while before I can afford that, I'm on state sponsored health care for now, but I'm assuming Trump is going to end that for me soon.

One difficult thing is that I feel so ashamed of myself and pathetic that I don't even want to talk to the people I care about and trust because I feel like such a failure for losing her. I had a bad experience with therapy as a kid, and while that does make me jaded to the concept, I also just can't afford to see one. The situation has forced me to buy a home, because ironically I could get approved for a house but not an apartment or trailer, and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to keep up with bills, I got a roommate but my mortgage is like triple what I had to pay living with her and while I never couldn't pay my bills, I didn't have much excess. I'm trying to work more and applied for some higher positions in my company, but they're dragging their feet about it.