JokeDeity

I'm just not mentally strong enough to face writing down 10 years of ups and downs at this moment in time, and I've never really been into writing much, I never properly trained my brain for it. I walk a TON at my job and I go to the gym, but nothing is actually capable of keeping my mind from dragging me back to her every five minutes.

It was, I phrased it in a way that now I realize sounds like she died, but actually she left me for a guy who is the complete opposite of me in every possible way from visually to mentally.

It's going to be a while before I can afford that, I'm on state sponsored health care for now, but I'm assuming Trump is going to end that for me soon.

One difficult thing is that I feel so ashamed of myself and pathetic that I don't even want to talk to the people I care about and trust because I feel like such a failure for losing her. I had a bad experience with therapy as a kid, and while that does make me jaded to the concept, I also just can't afford to see one. The situation has forced me to buy a home, because ironically I could get approved for a house but not an apartment or trailer, and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to keep up with bills, I got a roommate but my mortgage is like triple what I had to pay living with her and while I never couldn't pay my bills, I didn't have much excess. I'm trying to work more and applied for some higher positions in my company, but they're dragging their feet about it.

Every time I try I can't focus on any of it, I just sit there staring blankly and usually end up just going to bed or rotting my brain with more YouTube to try and distract me (it doesn't really work).

You might have misinterpreted my poor phrasing, she didn't die, she just cheated and left me for the polar opposite of me.

Everything is made of chemicals.

It's funny, I have never been comforted by that. I don't think I've truly faced and accepted a single loss in my life, I just avoid the pain as much as I can and try not to ever think about it (it's all I think about).

Oh boy what an ironic comment from a scummy bigot.

There's also catchall terms used for things they still don't really understand, like fibromyalgia.

Honestly I would be better off if I felt like this instead.

Living in Indiana feels like this. You're either one of the moronic clones all repeating the same stuff like robots, or no one likes you, so you either blend in with the idiots or be shunned and friendless.