HexaSnoot

Please put a warning for brutal content. Sometimes I need to save brutal things for another time.

TW: suicide

Don't want to hurt abusers, but I do want to be able to hurt them and choose not to. I think it'd help me if I gained the ability to imagine physical vengeance. I want this to end in forgiveness.

It's long been unsustainable for me to be a martyr. I waste my life away in maladaptive daydreaming where I imagine helping my past abusers. I've attempted suicide over the grief of past events, which gave me CPTSD and OCD.

I've had multiple physical abusers, and can barely imagine hurting them. I need to build the ability to imagine attacking. I think if I can imagine hurting my attackers and physically punishing them, including just for my own vindictive fun, then maybe I can gain the ability to actually forgive them.

Currently, I imagine giving them what they want, and then magically figuring out a compromise with them where they change their minds and stop being an abuser. (Like dating someone who sees me as a piece of meat, and using the relationship to change their mind so they're not a shithead anymore.) I think that's not actual forgiveness, it's just bending to their will. I cycle through these maladaptive daydreams of self-sacrificing for the benefit of the inhumane, and waste my life in suicidal grief. I'm skipping something crucial...

...I realize cannot truly forgive without making a choice to not hurt them. I think I need to first imagine brutal vengeance. Not to act it out, but as a step to expressing myself differently before I attempt forgiveness.

A friend has also been trying to train me in MMA, but I won't hit for real. I won't spar with them even though I know its good for me. I just imagine stopping danger through compromises that don't actually exist.

One session I hit a bag for real. I was down to punch after someone had attempted to assault me days earlier. Being vindictive seriously helps, and imagining torturing and annihilating the predator was a huge help.

___

Obviously there's the dialectics where it can be the opposite. I need to view it as more of a loving world right now.

I know about the podcast because someone I hang out with listens to them. I almost always half-listen to the first five minutes then tap out.

(...Except when they cover Rod Dreher. He's my favorite topic they bring up. )

Because even when things are looking up, lots of the topics are depressing. For example, when the Hamas are successful in any way, it's always attached to their struggles. Sometimes I think I'm too fragile to listen., Other times I think it's actually my perspective. Perhaps I'm too cynical and must beat a case of doomer brain. There's always a better perspective to see the news with.

I also got dismissed and dehumanized a lot as a child. I don't like to hear others suffering getting the same or worse treatment. Even if it's heavy, I would like to not dismiss listening to their stories. You develop a resilience to hearing them over time right?

What else do you know about that period? Do you have materials that teach about it? Simple theory could be best.

The Kuomintang's settling in Taiwan is a scary part of history I barely know about. I need help facing it.

I'm having a hard time coping.

I want to be more mindful about the light I cast myself in. I leave myself little room to grow and it'd be beneficial to adventure my way to better self perception.

I have self esteem issues that have me avoid testing how I'll react to different scenarios. Whatever "wrong" means, I often assume I'll react "wrongly." I constantly shut down chances for myself to experience more things in life. Like when people give ideas for things I can do, I almost always reject them because I assume I'm incapable of doing those ideas.

I daydream about singing with his voice.

Also, omg, have you heard him sing Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson?

I move like I don't have a physical body. As a result, I bump into things a lot and trip. I try to go through objects like a ghost, sometimes fully expecting it'll work. Like a bee trying to leave a closed window. It happens most when I'm doing chores.

I grew up rushing to take care of my abusive family every second of my childhood, and was made to feel my self care had no significance. Even if the care is as small as taking a moment to see if something is in the way, so I don't bump into it. Like a corner while I'm rounding a corner. And even if I notice something's in my way, I will try to crash through it repeatedly before the throbbing of resulting pain reminds me to move it out my way first. The throbbing has to grow intense enough too. I might accidentally hit my head on an object 10 times in less than an hour before I watch my head. (TW: domestic violence) This is probably because my family beat me daily and I dissociate from physical pain.

Examples of things I've been told that help me understand my physical presence:

• This might sound weird, but "pretend" you have a body. This way you act like you have one.

• What are some things in your room? How big are they? What's the biggest thing in your room? How big is it? All those things thake up physical space. Just like those things, you take up physical space.

CW sexual assault, physical assault Growing up, I've been repeatedly assaulted and harassed by know it all's. That's how upsettingly nerdy they were about gatekeeping the autonomy of thinking for myself. Because they wanted to violate the most intimate of boundaries, and not have me fight back. They wanted control and power over me in every way. To play pretend that they were all powerful and intelligent wizards.

I see a lot of communists on here saying things that might lead to them being stigmatized, and I want to be able to do that more. You guys shut down nerdiness. I've been conditioned to have controlling nerd voices in my head, and automatically let them convince me out of setting boundaries and speaking up for what I believe in. Now I'm my own controlling nerd, and I don't want to be. I want to walk the right path regardless of how stigmatized it may be.

How do you shut down nerds? Especially when their opinions are antihuman? If you don't care about piggypoopballs opinions, what are your reasons for not caring?

The US gov's misinformation that we can act like covid's over is mainly so we're good servants for capital, and that's lib shit. That's mostly what I got.