BlinkerFluid

No, I hear eucalyptus is all the rage these days.

Tell me of this dark magic, wizard.

Snapper. On it.

You know why we say it's the year of the Linux desktop, every year?

Because every year is the year of the Linux desktop.

I would, if I usually said it.

Come now, sir... you're better than Plex.

Join the Jellyfin side.

No, what gave you that idea?

He should go back to Africa.

I love that I get to say this guilt free for once.

I'll never be able to finance a car over $15k and I'll never be able to afford a home.

What difference does it make? Might as well be free.

I would've almost considered those downloads as reported in some way. Debain does queries into package use. Figured it might trickle down.

My mom never liked her, and my best friend(cousin) never liked her. Two people I hold pretty high opinions of, but yeah, their bias hasn't helped much.

Mom even asked if I really even loved her that much. I was with her for 15 years. I had to have some hope, and I did, for a long time but eventually you don't have anything else to give. You don't have any more time for negative horseshit despite doing everything you can do, never even able to make a positive move for it being seen as me being "up to something".

Immovable object meet unstoppable force.

For a long time I went with the old adage that everyone is just the same person experiencing themselves. I felt that, were I nice and did things for my family and spent time with my loved ones that the feelings regarding her would eventually fade to nothing, but they haunt me every night. Every location, every place we rented, every fight, every look, every crack in the wall of our relationship before it went down.

And it doesn't matter. I can tell myself that as many thousand times as I want, that it's all in the past and none of it matters... so then why won't it go away? Why do I still care about something I can't help?

I guess in my perfect world, we would've worked it out. We would've had kids. We would've had that house everyone wants on the hill with the golden retriever and white picket fence. It was right fucking there, but it just didn't happen that way. Problems led to intimacy excuses led to lies and deceit and backstabbing.

There was a time where we were so fucking sure of it all.

About four years before the divorce, her best friend got pregnant. It was my wife's dream to have kids, and instead of accepting her best friend's gift as a miracle for her, she let jealousy get the best of her and lashed out at nearly everyone we knew.

It changed my idea of who she was and how she was, and it changed her. Yeah, we tried nearly everything, but she just plain couldn't have kids. I was tested multiple times, so was she, over and over again. Why us, why me, why, god, why.

Our marriage kind of hit this hopeless wall. We had a step on the stairs that we couldn't reach. As a result of her actions during her friend's pregnancy, a lot of bad shade got thrown her way online and towards me from her, for sticking up for her friend.

well... buddy.

I know, but I can't lie about that, even to her. It was complete and total bullshit for her to hold bad feelings against her best friend for the simple fact that my wife couldn't get pregnant and she could and she never even once came close to any sort of apology or even a glitter of remorse.

While this is the original tidal wave that started everything, things degraded from there to us never even being intimate, to remembering the pregnancy attempt days as almost like having sex because it was mandatory, not due to choice and it even broke our attraction to each other.

Two people with 15 years of memories, half good, half regretful and no physical connection whatsoever due to the trauma and bad blood and no one budging an inch on their point of view, the only direction things had to go was down.