Blake

As a kid I liked to chew random stuff, (and tbh as an adult too, but I control myself by chewing socially acceptable stuff!) and I once chewed on some fancy curtains were pretty big and covered a big bay window, and my parents had to replace them. I don’t know how much they were but it couldn’t have been cheap.

I’m not sure how to write this in the sensitive way that it should be delivered, so I’m really sorry about that, but have you ever thought about going to therapy?

The reason I bring it up is because I used to be like that too, and it was absolutely fine with me until some shit happened in my life that my usual coping mechanisms couldn’t deal with and I went to therapy for help.

Entirely coincidentally, (or not?) we got onto the topic of emotional awareness and expression and eventually we worked out that I had trouble understanding my emotions due to a neurological disorder, but also, that I had been suppressing my emotions because as a kid I’d basically been taught that people react negatively towards my displays of emotion.

Just a thought that maybe it could help you if you were interested.

Today! I’m in hospital having received surgery on both of my legs to try and restore some mobility, I’m not able to walk unaided right now, but I’m improving every day!

That’s unrelated to why I cried, though, I just wanted to defy expectations a little! I cried because I read something that always makes me cry - Valerie’s letter from V for Vendetta - I’ve included the movie version below, but it’s pretty faithful to the original:

I know there’s no way I can convince you this is not one of their tricks. But I don’t care. I am me.

My name is Valerie. I don’t think i’ll live much longer, and I wanted to tell someone about my life. This is the only autobiography that i’ll ever write, and – God – i’m writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1985. I don’t remember much of those early years. But I do remember the rain. My grandmother owned a farm in Tottlebrook, and she used to tell me that God was in the rain.

I passed my eleven plus, and went to a girl’s grammar. It was at school that I met my first girlfriend. Her name was Sarah. It was her wrists – they were beautiful. I thought we would love each other forever. I remember our teacher telling us that it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew.

Sarah did.

I didn’t.

In 2002 I fell in love with a girl named Christina. That year I came out to my parents. I couldn’t have done it without Chris holding my hand.

My father wouldn’t look at me. He told me to go and never come back. My mother said nothing.

I’d only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have.

It is the very last inch of us.

And within that inch, we are free.

I’d always known what i’d wanted to do with my life, and in 2015 I started my first film: The Salt Flats.

It was the most important role of my life. Not because of my career, but because that was how I met Ruth. The first time we kissed, I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again.

We moved to a small flat in London together. She grew scarlet carsons for me in our window box. And our place always smelt of roses.

Those were the best years of my life.

But America’s war grew worse and worse, and eventually came to London.

After that there were no roses anymore. Not for anyone.

I remember how the meaning of words began to change. How unfamiliar words like “collateral” and “rendition” became frightening. When things like norsefire and the articles of allegiance became powerful. I remember how different became dangerous.

I still don’t understand it: why they hate us so much.

They took Ruth while she was out buying food. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. It wasn’t long until they came for me.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place.

But for three years I had roses – and apologised to no-one.

I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch.

But one.

An inch.

It is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I hope that - whoever you are - you escape this place. I hope that the world turns, and that things get better.

But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you.

With all my heart.

I love you.

-Valerie.

According to who? Because every dictionary I checked has the first definition of stupidity as being something along the lines of “lacking in intelligence”, “having a lack of wit or intellect”, “slowness or incoherence with regards to reasoning”, and ignorance defined as something along the lines of “a lack of knowledge”, “uneducated on some facts” etc.

Neither of those have any involvement whatsoever with intent.

If you want a term to describe intentional ignorance, then the best phrase imo is “wilful ignorance”. If you want a phrase that means that someone is intentionally refusing to accept facts or reason because it would conflict with their beliefs, then “dogmatic” or “bigoted” are better suited than stupid. If someone genuinely doesn’t understand something then you should not be angry with them, that’s just cruel.

West: steals all resources, then burns a bunch of shit, and then causes a massive flood

Libya: thousands of people die

West: lol why are your houses so shit lmao build better gg skill issue

Very clearly the answer is that the world would be more stable, I don’t see how that’s really disputable? It would be worse for NATO, certainly, but a truly United Africa would be absolutely astounding. I don’t think you realise just how much that would change the world

Either employees should be allowed to wear personal accessories to express themselves, or they should not. How do you define what is and is not political?

Sending love and energy your way, I remember a conversation I had with a disability assessor on Reddit and I just kept telling them, “no, you’re scum, I don’t give a shit about anything you have to say” and they just kept going on and on about how it helped disabled people to have someone to keep away the “””fake disabled””” people. It is fucking disgusting. Should be totally illegal to reject a PIP application until they’ve had an interview with like the disabled person, at least one of their doctors, and a person or two from each “sphere” (work/school/personal life) who knows the disabled person and their struggles. And then if an application is rejected but accepted after an appeal that should be a sackable offence.

I’d far rather have 9/10 people on disability payment not need it than have the 1/10 who needs it go without it. It’s better than spending the money on some bullshit fake government contract that they award to their wife’s business that they set up 15 minutes ago.

That’s good of your dad to do that. I got help from an advocate when I was having problems getting the help I needed from the NHS, and even having someone who could do little things like looking into how to get treatment plan organised by your GP etc. really helps relieve some of the pressure. When you’re disabled and working it’s like having at least three full-time jobs - caring for yourself, trying to figure out how to get help and actually getting it, and working all at the same time. I honestly can’t imagine how much harder it is to have kids to look after on top of all that. You can’t just say, “fuck it I can’t be bothered making dinner today” when you’ve got kids :/

It’s okay, I feel your pain, and I really sympathise. I know exactly how overwhelming and soul destroying all this shit is. I created a community on feddit.uk called !disability, and you’re welcome to post as many rants as you like there as you like. It’s really quiet at the moment but the option is there if you want it, and I’m currently stuck in hospital with nothing much to do besides reading and commenting on the internet :p

I applied for PIP and I was denied. The whole process was so horrible, stressful, dehumanising and difficult that I couldn’t bear going through the whole appeals process - I am really lucky to be in the position of being able to work despite my disability, but a lot of my money is spent to compensate for or to somehow mitigate my disability - money spent on mobility aids, adaptations, additional transport costs, time out of work for appointments, and so on.

I’m also lucky enough to live in Scotland and I applied for the Scottish alternative to PIP (SADP) the day it was available for me to apply, and I qualified for the maximum amount available due to my level of disability. Which still isn’t much, by the way, and probably doesn’t really cover all of my disability related costs, but again, I am really lucky to have it.

There wasn’t any change in my health between applications, it’s just that the PIP process is literally designed to find any excuse to reject your application.

I’m doubtful that DWP really want to improve the process, I think they like it just the way it is. Probably all they want is to be able to farm the criticism out to third parties.

They may as well score some points for doing this now that the organisation is imploding anyways, I suppose.