AnotherFuture

over the years ive increasingly become a reclusive insomniac, its 5:02am and i haven't slept. i work in 3 hours. i also have no friends, no family around at all either, totally isolated. i usually just sit in my room getting drunk on vodka, malts, soju, all the time. my friend group is exclusively online, and over the years we have started to drift away not for any bad reason, but just because we all have very different lives in very different parts of the country, and we all want different things out of life.

i deal with this loneliness sometimes. its easier nowadays for me, i just daydream and fantasize a lot. but it does always sink back in eventually. i also have many personality phases and watch "friendship simulator" style youtube videos. typically vlogs from people with unusual lifestyles that i want to live. but when it comes to making actual friendships, i never can. i met someone recently who resonated a lot with me. we were both megafans of the same series, and grew up in similar circumstances. our views on things were quite the same too. but when he gave me his discord, i pondered it for a while, and just decided to hide from him and to not add him. i did it with sadness in my heart though.

i know this is from friendship trauma, but it seems like every time ive tried to form friendships over the years they crash and burn. (for example, the last friendship i attempted literally ended in drama because the person ended up dating a minor, and i backed out even further into solitude not to be involved with that. my main friend group also capitulated into 3 different groups over this, i have 2 people left in my life now, both online and both usually too busy to chat.)

im not sure if any advice is even possible here, its more of a vent than anything. i feel like im going insane sometimes. but then ill just watch youtube or something and it makes my brain pseudo-satisfied with the phony social interaction. i just dont know what to do with myself.

I'm very lonely and live thousands of kilometres from home, the only person I have in my daily life is one friend. lately he's been pretty obsessed with this girl and we haven't been talking so much because of it so I thought it would be the perfect time to through with it since I had a lot of alone time. I won't go into detail about what happened next but I do recall coming-to and him knowing I was depressed and not hearing from me for days he had decided to check up on me and see how I'm doing. when I explained to him what happened he broke down into tears and it's the only time I've seen him cry in the 7 years I've known him. I'm just shocked, I always wondered firsthand how people would feel if I did it and now I think I know. my family is really far away so they probably won't ever know this happened but I just don't know how to feel. I'm tired of feeling so much pain but I also take other emotions into account now, no antidepressants or therapists have ever been enough to heal the damage of a fucked up life. just don't know how to feel.

i hope that in the next life I am not like this. I just wish I could go back and redo everything without being severely mentally ill. I spend every day in the dark lamenting and wishing I could just go back in time. I think about ending it so often. I just want a chance to redo and be normal so badly. the craziest part is that physically, everything in my life is fine. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. but my brain just focuses on the negatives so much. it makes me feel even worse, I just wish so bad I could redo my life without feeling like this.

ive been through a lot in life, but by most metrics ive made it out and have a relatively good life. but for some reason, its like this cloud always seems to follow me... and now it really feels like its engulfing me. i feel like im becoming so detached from reality. my friends don't care enough / dont wan't to listen when i need someone to talk to (and i can hardly blame them, who would want to hear the ramblings of some depressed person). i just feel so horrible all the time, thinking about how meaningless this existence can be, feeling like i shouldn't even bother going on, and i hate these thoughts so much. sorry for how unstructured this is or how unorganised my thoughts are, i just can't bear to hold it in any longer, i feel like im going to snap if i keep bottling it up.

Title really. I don't think I will ever have a traditional career (or path) because there are just too many things I want to do. Anyone with ADHD knows i'm sure, that when you even have so much as a few household chores to do, it can take you ages to even start. My problem kind of extends beyond the scope of little things, I seem to want so much out of life that it leaves me not wanting to do anything at all because it feels overbearing. I never finished college or chose a career because of this too, sometimes I get a goal in my head so it becomes my focus for some months then i get burnt out and move on to something else and it repeats in a circle.

when i was a child, i had a tendency to extremely hyper fixate on various topics for months, so now that i'm older it just feels like i've experienced everything even though I technically haven't. the fixations are becoming much more quick in terms of cycles / how long they (don't) last and i spend most of my time feeling bored and empty, just rotting away and feeling entertained by nothing. lately this has caused me to get really stuck in the past, so i spend a lot of time just laying in bed crate digging my own memories and feeling kind of depressed because i have nothing new to be excited by or interested in. it does not help that i don't really have any long term goals or ambitions either, i just kind of exist.

does anyone else feel like this?