When i first read that passage, i seriously wondered if somebody had reformatted a Halimede tweet. I don't want to dunk on Serrano too much here, i've taken a lot of good input out of her works, but this is one of her takes that has aged poorly. Like, seriously, i am so fed up with that view of being trans. The one that always, always without fail, centers suffering and pain and misery, that can only frame our joy and our thriving in contrast to the damage that has been inflicted on us, the one that can never let the past rest.
I am not like this. And it's beginning to become a problem.
You see, i like being in community with other trans people. I'm at home there, i've made friends there, found lovers there. It's where i belong. As long as i stay within my own bubble. As soon as i step out of it, i immediately get bombarded with unsolicited trauma dumps, dysphoriaposts out of a 4chan hellhole and a trainload full of internalized transphobia. Everything is a trigger for me. I cannot safely navigate most trans spaces anymore because the people there just drag me down. I logged in yesterday after a long hiatus and looked into the trans megathread and the first thing i had to do was block a user for her unspoilered loathing of the trans existence. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I used to be the kind of woman who writes big effortposts about self acceptance and how to figure yourself out and how to begin navigating systems of medical gatekeeping, but the further i go along in my own transition, the further i am removed from making these early experiences myself, the less i have it in me to unpack all that needs to be unpacked when baby trans yell their pain into the void.
And that's eating at me. It makes me feel guilt, it makes me feel like a failure to my community. My second puberty feels as if i get to sit at the table with the pretty, cool and popular girls, giving fashion advice to the prom queen while i'm leaving the most vulnerable trans people out in the rain, the ones that would need my experience and my encouragement the most. But when i try to be there for them, i harm myself. I can't say it otherwise, it is burning me out to expose myself to that kind of pain. It feels as if i'm walking backwards into a darkness i have escaped from. How do i deal with this? Do i retreat to my wonderland of privileged, happy women and girlthings or is there a way to move beyond the triggers and face the misery of others without becoming miserable myself? Because that's what i would need if i wanted to keep helping my siblings.
I view this from a kinda different perspective than them, mostly because i do not view myself as ever having been a guy and my pre-crack relationships are probably where that showed the most. It's one of the reasons why i'm so glad that i won't date straight women again, being expected to act like a man sucked. I can't judge how that works for people who actually want to be a man or who are at least ok-ish with it, but i'm so much more at ease when i do not have to live up to that expectation, it makes dating and intimacy a lot easier. Like, i've seriously had exes who outright told me that i always have to be the big spoon when we're cuddling because they can't handle it otherwise. The straights are not ok.
So i'm viewing this mostly from the perspective of an extremely online poly t4t lesbian who used to date more straight women than was good for her, and i can echoe a lot of the sentiments in that video. I have slightly different views on some things, like telling if a girl is into you being easier in queer contexts. It's not always the case when just being nice and flirty with each other is just how friendships work. Like, the line between a good friend and a friend + can be very fine. There's definitely some truth to all the useless lesbian memes, but ... they also work really well when somebody shows you they are interested in dating and that you can be more forward. Outright posting a meme that says "i'm really awkward and also autistic and need very obvious clues when you're flirting with me" can actually make things much easier. It leads to situations were being both forthcoming and respectful of boundaries kinda comes naturally. Maybe that's also because queer people are more used to actually talking about intimacy instead of taking things for given. When you don't have an entire culture telling you, in often downright awful and toxic ways, how hooking up, having sex and being in a relationship work, you have more things to figure out for yourself and that makes it easier to just communicate. I guess that goes doubly for kinky people due to that scene having more needs to establish consent in detail, talking about fantasies and boundaries and so on, but i can't really compare this because i just haven't dated any purely vanilla queer girls since i came out.