Saw your previous post in this community.. I hear you. I've been learning and practicing (by no means yet mastering) being gentle with myself, setting small goals and appreciating small achievements. Like, if you can't get up and run around the block, can you get up, take a shower, get dressed... and then go back to bed? Sometimes doing that one step today can allow you to do the next thing, tomorrow.
Mod here. Please flair as NSFW. See pinned post from VubDapple.
We've got a few pinned posts with a wide variety of resources; please check these to see if any look promising. More importantly: use them. Call 988, or a warm-line. You've already taken the first step by posting here. Keep going.
I fully agree the two avenues you've reached out to so far can be useless. Formal, one-on-one treatment lags massively beyond need--every news outlet runs stories, citing politicians who allocated big bucks to resources... which take years to get anything accomplished, and likely get bogged in red tape, slush-fund budgeting so you and I get nothing.
People around you often play comparative games: "ooh, let me tell you about MY issues; blah, blah blah; you see? they're worse than yours, so just suck it up."
However, I disagree that there's nothing special about you, or that you're taking resources someone else might need more. You matter, more than you know. You deserve, as much as anyone, love and help.
There are some good responses already... far less than 5 months.
Two additional strategies. (1) Meditate. If you're not sure how, let me know; I can suggest some good free starting points. It may seem stupid, irrelevant at first. But I've found it's a remarkable way for me to know what I'm feeling. If I can sit with the feeling long enough, sometimes I can figure out why I'm feeling that way.
(2) Reach out, spread good. It doesn't have to be dramatic, like "helping someone in more need than you are." Sometimes, it's letting someone trying to make a left turn into traffic the space to make that turn. Giving a compliment to a random stranger.
I struggle with depression too. I've earned it--my partner with Alzheimer's is in a nursing home I call "Roach Motel" it's so badly run. (No, this is not "my problems are worse than yours.") I visit daily. I brush her hair, hold her hand, holler for aides when they ignore the call bell--I make a difference in her life. I like some of the aides, and I think others are pure a**holes. But I bring in inexpensive snacks, give compliments when I can, and treat people with a crappy job with as much respect and kindness as I can muster. Some days, I REALLY don't want to visit... but I make myself. And always, when I leave, the depression has lifted a little.
Been through grad school, 1980s. Survived. Tenured. Emeritus. Retired. I'm sure it's only gotten worse. The whole thing is set up to weed out… basically a whole bunch of people, because higher ed is not providing enough jobs for people with PhDs. (Yes, I know there are advanced degrees that don't lead to an academic job.) And it's set up to provide a slave labor force of teachers for undergrad classes. A lot of fine people end up bag ladies, or moving off to organic lesbian goat farms (two examples from my peer group).
And it's functionally a stress test, to find the cracks, before grad students get out in the real world and face the insane demands of a life of itinerant adjuncting, the horrors of seeking tenure, or the other professional jobs that require higher degrees. If they crack after graduating, they can take a lot of other people down with them. (Seen that happen, too.)
That doesn't excuse any of it, not by a long shot. A whole bunch of stuff in this world needs to be reformed. But: it does offer a chance to see that it's only a game—and if the game is something that makes you miserable, you need to find a different game. A game where you can find ways to be kind, and not perpetuate the misery.
I'm so glad you're checking back in with an update! And it's good news you have found a psychiatrist willing to take the time to work with you. And that you have a handle on what's "off," and a starting point to getting you back on track.
SSRIs, as you know, suppress the re-uptake (grab that molecule & recycle its components) of seratonin, the happy-feel molecule. SNRIs suppress the re-uptake of seratonin, and norepinephrine as well, essentially adreneline (the "I can face the day with confidence" molecule, which in larger amounts becomes "I wanna bite your head off" molecule.) In other words, it will probably feel different than a straight SSRI—I hope in ways that address the discomfort you had previously.
I'm not familiar with the other Rx you mentioned; but again, it sounds like your doc is starting with small doses. Always a plus to start out conservatively and see how they affect you.
I'm happy for you!
I'm so sorry. See you've found "Chronic Pain" community, which I was going to suggest. If you haven't thought of it and are up for the suggestion, I know there are online searchable resources for "meditation pain management."
Sending you strength and love.
Thanks for the tip! So much to learn about Lemmy, so little time. Dunno how to prove not-bot, since The Singularity is upon us… will you take my word for it?
Thank you so much. I get strength from the kind words of people like you, and from offering what I can for others. Hugs and well-wishes to you.
Well--you're clearly very resourceful! You've got the kitten thing managed as best you can. You're asking the same questions, of the same IRL people, that a bunch of randos have come up with... so crowd-sourcing and getting same answers suggests you're doing everything right.
You have NOT let everyone down, and you've got no reason to apologize. Let me tell you a little about my partner's situation. Supposedly "mental health" issues for ~ten years. Nothing worked--drugs, talk therapy, encouragement, whole raft of diagnoses. Lots of people accused her of faking, including (I'm sad to say) me. Never really pushed it; raised an occasional eyebrow, did my best to be supportive...
Finally, turns out she has Alzheimer's. Rather atypically early (I think starting around 55 years old). But yeah, as real as the MRI that officially diagnosed it. She had so much anxiety and flaky behavior around "something's OFF in my head."
I sincerely hope that all works out well for you, and that you are able to find/create situations that are supportive and allow you joy. My partner too was suicidal. I can't say she's exactly ecstatic now--she's in a nursing home (complications). But: I visit every day, get her to smile, and she knows I love her dearly and will not give up on her. There is still joy in our lives.
For those who hit the paywall— https://www.zdnet.com/article/googles-new-settings-let-you-remove-your-private-info-from-search-results-heres-how/
I don't have all the answers, but want to say I am so sorry for what your going through.
On the kitten: you're right, I think— the kitten needs more social interaction. Any piece of string, perhaps with a bit of cloth tied to the end, can be dangled while you are sitting on the couch. You might consider a mani-pedi, nipping the sharp tips of those claws, to keep damage under control. Ex might reasinably be asked to invest in a few toys, including chew toys. You might search for "Jackson Galaxy" on YouTube for helpful videos.
It shouldn't be your responsibility, but it sounds like you've tried getting Ex to take responsibility. Sadly, like the kitten's tenancy seems tied to your own. That sounds like manipulation.
Your physical health and long-term possibilities are, of course, adding to your stress. It sounds very overwhelming right now, with so many changes in your life. Would Ex consider paying for housekeeping help—at least to get the pizza boxes and dirty dishes sorted out? I don't know about your country's system for people with disabilities, but perhaps your social worker can help you figure out if any assistance in this area is available to you.
Thank you for the trigger warning about your desperation. As you know, I'm just an internet rando. I can't offer you all the helo you need, although I can assure you I care deeply. In the pinned resources at the top of this community's posts, there are some European resources if you haven't already seen them. Perhaps your social worker can add to them (and if you'd be willing to share anything you find useful, you can DM me so I can have them added to the list).
Please stay alive. So many things have changed so rapidly in your life recently. That's bound to feel like too much. Give yourself the time and grace for change.
From my grandmother: "Essen! Essen!" (Eat! Eat!) Followed quickly by "You need to lose weight! You're getting fat!"
Good point about "cheating"! I imagine there are some places where standing up (rather than tub-bath, or sitting down for a thorough scrub) is considered the cheat-form!