Not atypical. But your feelings are valid and grounded in your material reality.

A couple notes: bringing this up is at its core, is trying to find further justification for something you want - which is to be a woman in every way possible. A cis person doesn't want to change their gender, a cis person doesn't feel comfortable even with the idea of transitioning let alone following thought on it. As trans people we can be scared and have doubts, we're only human and it's a big life change in an unsupportive world. What's more, cis people don't look for clues and signs that they're trans. You're reaching for as much justification as you can get because we live in a world that wants to deny us an existence, and our culture really does that to all kinds of people - that's an ill of the culture, not you.

Further, not remembering chunks of your childhood is symptomatic of trauma. This trauma can be something that was directly done to you, but also being raised as the gender that you're not is also traumatic but much harder to see than a flagrant abuse.

Talk with a therapist if you can get one! Either way, we will of course be here to lend an ear wherever we can!

Fuck those others accusing us of being fake trans, do you think that you had to find some way to process what happened to you as a teenager before you could even begin to acknowledge your trans nature?

I had to deal with my own trauma and process my neurodivergence before I could begin the process of transitioning. In local groups ive met folks that began transitioning post 40s so there is nothing wrong with doing it late and the focus on "passing" and conventional attractiveness puts an undue importance on transitioning ASAP, what I mean by that is that if you transition as early as possible that's great! if it takes some time that's great too!

Everyone has a unique path on the road of transition and while there can be solidarity from other trans people's stories we should never apply them completely to our own. A cis person wouldn't be on HRT and scheduled bottom surgery, so I guess you are trans.

Doesn't seem atypical to me. The common narrative that is presented to cis people (often by other cis people, but also by trans people trying to present their personal experience or provide a compelling example) is that of a specific subset of trans people, which is partly dependent on certain conceptions of gender, life experiences, etc.

Personally, I didn't really grow up with strict gender norms in the household (mostly because my mom doesn't follow the social expectations of her AGAB) and didn't know anything about trans people. Gender was just the body parts you were born with, so of course I thought I was in the "boy" group: behaviors, preferences, etc were all irrelevant. Sure, I conformed more when in public, but given I'm also ADHD and probably autistic, masking was second nature from a young age.

For other's, they had a very strict family with regards to gender conformity and never really had a chance to express themselves any other way and never realized how much they dislike the box they were forced to occupy because they knew nothing else.

For many trans people, there's the knowledge that they're different from others with their AGAB in some ways, but they lacked the conceptual framework/language of gender or being trans to have the words to put to their experience.

What makes your experience atypical? What specifically does that change about transition?

i feel the same way sometimes. i know a lot of us do. i don't know that it's possible to know the self to any permanent extent, but personally anxieties about the way i might feel in the future aren't what i want to base my choices on. and i am happier now. imagining going back is a nightmare. if i change my mind in the future, i was happier for a time and i think that's worth it

sorry if this isn't a helpful perspective, but it's something i think about a lot and this is always the answer i come to

My honest thought reading that was that I don't see that as very atypical. Or rather that atypical experiences like that are pretty typical. Vaguely having some things in childhood that could have just been a boy playing around but not actually being able to process any of it for years due to processing trauma instead until it comes together all of a sudden? I've heard that one before!

For me I don't think I'd ever be able to afford it and I don't think I'd ever be in a position socially where I could safely come out. And I don't always feel that strongly about it, sometimes I think if I had been born a woman I'd just want to transition to being a man. Sometimes I think it'd be cool to just have a vagina but still be a man or get an orchiectomy and leave it at that but I can't see committing to either one.

As others have pointed out, your experience is actually highly typical of the community at large. As in, you hit all the marks of actually common trans biographies. The thing is, if you feel that you're speedrunning your transition and that you aren't ready for bottom surgery yet, it's ok and valid to postpone and make another appointment at a later date, or to call it off entirely. You can progress through this at your own pace, it's your decision which steps to take and it doesn't make you less trans or less of a woman when you're unoperated, the only question should be what kind of body you want to live in and that just varies a lot from person to person. I know several people who went off testosterone HRT and still identify as nonbinary and are still gender as fuck and active parts of local queer communities. I just met another one yesterday at my local dyke bar, bowl cut, miniskirt and complete bear mode body hair, pronouns any / all, but statistically they count as a detransitioner when the reality is simply that they've gotten all they want out of T and are fine with that. The idea that we need to follow a pre-determined checklist of necessary transition steps and must not deviate from it, the threat that backing down, reversing, stopping or just pausing aren't acceptable options, that's such a pile of horseshit. This isn't how our lives play out irl, people are messy and complicated and we're allowed to have messy and complicated relationships to our gender and to our transition.

Idk this seems a lot more concrete than my gender feelings… My only memories are actually of being HYPER conformist to gender norms when I was really young, and later on feeling kind of “butterflies in my stomach” when I started internalizing that having others view me as a woman was possible.

I feel like you’re basically the poster child of trans women given this story and it makes me feel kind of inadequate