this post was submitted on 22 Dec 2023
2 points (100.0% liked)

neurodiverse

1526 readers
3 users here now

What is Neurodivergence?

It's ADHD, Autism, OCD, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, aspd, etc etc etc etc

“neurologically atypical patterns of thought or behavior”

So, it’s very broad, if you feel like it describes you then it does as far as we're concerned

Rules

1.) ableist language=post or comment will probably get removed (enforced case by case, some comments will be removed and restored due to complex situations). repeated use of ableist language=banned from comm and possibly site depending on severity. properly tagged posts with CW can use them for the purposes of discussing them

2.) always assume good faith when dealing with a fellow nd comrade especially due to lack of social awareness being a common symptom of neurodivergence

2.5) right to disengage is rigidly enforced. violations will get you purged from the comm. see rule 3 for explanation on appeals

3.) no talking over nd comrades about things you haven't personally experienced as a neurotypical chapo, you will be purged. If you're ND it is absolutely fine to give your own perspective if it conflicts with another's, but do so with empathy and the intention to learn about each other, not prove who's experience is valid. Appeal process is like appealing in user union but you dm the nd comrade you talked over with your appeal (so make it a good one) and then dm the mods with screenshot proof that you resolved it. fake screenies will get you banned from the site, we will confirm with the comrade you dm'd.

3.5) everyone has their own lived experiences, and to invalidate them is to post cringe. comments will be removed on a case by case basis depending on determined level of awareness and faith

4.) Interest Policing will not be tolerated in any form. Support your comrades in their joy!

Further rules to be added/ rules to be changed based on community input

RULES NOTE: For this community more than most we understand that the clarity and understandability of these rules is very important for allowing folks to feel comfortable, to that end please don't be afraid to be outspoken about amendments and addendums to these rules, as well as any we may have missed

founded 4 years ago
MODERATORS
WhyEssEff@hexbear.net
SpookyVanguard64@hexbear.net
context@hexbear.net
Ness@hexbear.net
2
are people hostile to your confusion? (hexbear.net)
submitted 2 years ago by the_itsb@hexbear.net to c/neurodiverse@hexbear.net
12 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

This is something I'm only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.

Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!

I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (????!?!?), and so I've tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. I've tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.

It doesn't feel like it's getting me anywhere, and I'm starting to wonder if it's an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesn't bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, it's a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know I'm NotLikeOtherGirls™

This happens most when the person I'm asking has no good answer - it's like my asking "but why?" makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasn't the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.

That is never what I expect to happen - I don't ask why if I think there's no reason. If I'm asking, it's not because I think you're stupid, it's because I think I'm stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if you're doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume there's a good reason that I just don't understand yet, and I really really want to understand!

I'm just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.

The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. "I don't have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!" ???!?

Anybody relate?

What do?

top 12 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] ClimateChangeAnxiety@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Holy shit this post brought back a flood of unpleasant memories.

I was homeschooled most of my childhood before doing the last couple years of high school in public school. When I started there were lots of policies and behaviors I was expected to already know and several times grown ass adults got incredibly angry at me for asking why they wanted me to do something stupid.

A grown man screamed at me for chewing gum during a standardized test. Gum wasn’t banned at my school or anything, it was only this one time that it was a problem. I asked him why and he was so incredibly angry and that’s when I realized neurotypical adults are like extremely reactive dogs when they’re confronted with the fact that what they’re doing is stupid.

I was also once screamed at by a grown ass man who was a teacher’s assistant, not even a teacher, for not standing up during the creepy ass pledge of allegiance. The teacher had to tell him to go outside and calm down. This man owns a house and drives a car but honestly he needs a full time guardian he’s less responsible in the world than a 9 year old.

[–] WhatDoYouMeanPodcast@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I realized neurotypical adults are like extremely reactive dogs when they’re confronted with the fact that what they’re doing is stupid.

Why are they like that? The way some people just can't communicate makes me feel sane in an insane world. How could they have encountered no pressure to do introspection and learn about interpersonal dynamics? Some days I feel like I'm besieged on all sides by delicate details about people who need to be served with care or else they freak out. The crux of my career is having to explain to people how they're wrong but in a super nice way

[–] the_itsb@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago (1 children)

The crux of my career is having to explain to people how they're wrong but in a super nice way

I cannot even imagine the level of stress, jfc. Just reading that sentence made me anxious, holy fuck. That sounds like a nightmare.

[–] WhatDoYouMeanPodcast@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago

It's a big obstacle in an otherwise nice job. There are things like the phrase "I recommend," accepting that business owners sometimes just don't care about making profit or minimizing work, and the therapy that allowed me to not take ignoring the email the first time personally.

[–] buckykat@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago (2 children)

I think you've already almost answered your own question. They're getting upset because they don't have an answer to the question of why.

So consider, what is the thought process which results in proposing a course of action without ever having actually thought about why? Is it an isolated incident, or is it part of a pattern of doing things without thinking about reasons to do those things?

It's not that they feel guilty about not thinking things through, it's that not thinking things through is actually the norm, and therefore you asking why is seen as condescending.

[–] the_itsb@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

you asking why is seen as condescending

Nail. Head.

I've straight up been told this many times, and I genuinely don't understand. I've even said that not having an answer is totally acceptable.

How do I make the question not condescending??

is there just not a way?

[–] buckykat@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago

Fully absorb the implications of the fact that not considering reasons for doing things is the norm. And then embrace the condescension.

Alternatively, invent your own reasons why the people around you are doing poorly considered things and keep those reasons to yourself.

[–] WhatDoYouMeanPodcast@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago

I once had a job I fucking hated so I stopped trying to understand why something should be done and instead did it because that's what I was asked to do. I at least had the ability to communicate that with a "ask my manager why" or a "because I think doing this will satisfy the manager"

[–] Frank@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago

Relatabale. I often end up phrasing questions like i'm trying to negotiate peace between world powers. It's frustrating af. I don't care about your ego i need you to explain how the machine works again bc my brain is fucked!

[–] Magician@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago

I resonated so hard with this. I want to understand, but it feels so obvious sometimes, like people would think I'm joking.

I'm trying to actively be honest and let the other person be an ass. "I don't understand why x is acceptable or done in a certain way. Could you tell me why it is?"

It's helped me in the past when I asked, and good faith people who will give me the benefit of the doubt are the only people I want in my life. I'm trying my best out here. They don't need to treat me like I'm stupid or being an asshole on purpose.

Sometimes it's as simple as "I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt."

[–] CthulhusIntern@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Reading this thread further cements in my head that it's actually neurotypicals who have communication issues. Many autistic people are just fine when it comes to communication.

[–] the_itsb@hexbear.net 1 points 2 years ago

Honestly, I'm kinda right there with you! We put so much effort into understanding and being understood, and it doesn't seem like it's reciprocated very often.