Melbourne

Final Call

Feeling weird and stupid, I sit and stare
Midnight black, immense pit of despair.
No stars, just scars, and painful understanding,
That I am not good enough to be an entire human.
My fears designed by my own devious mind,
My fears designed to keep me in this bind.
So dumb, I wonder why I can't have nice things;
Of course I sabotage my sanctuaries
With an avalanche of failings.
I'm too much, I'm not enough,
I'm in all the wrong places.
I'm cute, but it's moot,
When I break my safe spaces,
With trying to find a fucking connection.
I'm an idiot, a total social rejection,
Some kind freak of science project.
A monster irredeemable,
Broken future, irretrievable.
I'm done with these feelings of imperfection,
I can't handle any perceived rejection:
Oh really, it's only me that I'm rejecting.
Fucked up and projecting,
I'm tired of being a social dumbass,
I'm tired of my chaos and of my fuck-ups.
I'll burn down these bridges, I'll fucking do it,
I swear, as a last resort,
I'll delete my accounts so I cannot report
On every single one of my stupid fucking
Feelings and thoughts
That I fucking felt and thought.
Like this is my stupid 2011 Tumblr blog
I've done it before, I'll do it again,
I'm toxic, and broken,
Not fit for human consumption.
Not fit for social interactions
No matter how much I want a friend
I'm too fucked up to make the commitment
Because I overdo it as always, it's plain to see.
It's no wonder I'm so desperately, platonically lonely,
I'm only almost human, don't touch me.
I cannot keep being this weirdo on here
And pouring my life out to you forum of peers.
I'm an embarrassment, I cringe at my own reflection
I'm obtuse and have no valued contributions.
You see, this isn't an apology, just a eulogy.
Less about me and more about you.
Less of me and more of you.
These poems will not be my diary entries anymore,
They will be about the comments from the scores
Of people here on this thread.

StudChud is dead.

(Bot001, I am so proud of you).

Sorry for flooding with comments but I had to show you all this. They have been building this "Urban Forest" for many months and actually had the balls to host a grand opening event for this bullshit this morning.

It's a few shit concrete garden beds. Peak Docklands.

3 images of shit concrete garden beds

Lunch was raisin toast and a date scone. So, butter. Butter with a side of carbs.

Sorting out the spare room is not going well. Too much overwhelming mess. I think I might sort the preserving rings and lids, then call it a day for sorting. Then a drizzly dog walk, followed by lifting heavy things. At some point I need to work out what to have for dinner. Too many options. Maybe potato and chilli.

so gloooomy

Just bought a flat white from the cafe downstairs and a different lady served me who I haven't seen before. This is where the coffee goes up to and the top half is foam. How does one get someone deported from Melbourne? We can't have our baristas doing this.

image of a coffee cup with a line drawn half way up it

I know I’m going to cop some grief for this. But as a Pies supporter god I love watching our games. Winning aside, they’re usually super exciting and high quality outings. Reminds me how awesome fotty is.

I'd forgotten that swinging a golf club a bunch of times plus placing golf balls on tees over and over is actually a little bit of a workout for the critically unfit. Feels good though. Grabbed an extra shot flat white on the way home and used it to wash down a couple of ibuprofens. She'll be right.

I have found a local art tutor who I think will be good. She mostly teaches beginners but she has a strong independent creative streak and likes to do new things, which I really like. I want someone to "spot" me when I'm working, that is tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to do it right, make criticisms and suggestions to my work. And of course guide me in new styles and techniques.

My language skills are poor tho.

🤞🏻

I think I've found my example property to use for my sustainable design project. Still not sure if I will use this or plan a new build for the project, but it's a start.

Ended up taking both Mini Peelers to Timezone. I love those games that are ball toss/bean bag toss/ring toss and basketball and soccer type games, you know, the ones that require a skill. Now relaxing at home with a dande chai with vanilla oat milk. Never thought I'd end up drinking that kind of stuff, but here we are.

Ended up getting the Pro 7. Very happy with this, though I have to wait like two weeks for a case (not a fan of the ones JB has).

Okay, who ordered the rain?