Ask Lemmy

I used to have a lot of exposure to different lifestyles due to being into BDSM and heavily involved in a trans-friendly group. One of my best friends fully transitioned with I think gave me a lot of insight.

I want to say first that I fully support the rights of all people to live their truth as they see it. I respect and value people regardless of what they have in their pants or who they choose to share that with.

I'm attracted to femme features and were I to date someone they would have to pass pretty well. I'm not viscerally disgusted by a penis, and I guess I'd be willing to experiment, but in the abstract I'm not attracted to them, I don't get pleasure from anal play, and I don't really like putting my dick in butts. Not totally opposed but it's rare I'm in the mood for that — I have to be feeling very "top-y."

So just don't know that there is a lot of dating potential there. However I could use more friends and if someone wanted to hang out and talk nerdy shit over drinks in a romantic setting and call it a date, I'm in.

I will add that I'm married and while we are essentially monogamous, we aren't strictly so and hypothetically if the right person came along that fit as a play partner or throuple, I wouldn't care about gender or gender expression at all. As long as there is someone involved in an encounter who makes my junk tingle, it's all good.

Date: sure, why not. I don't want to die curious. But I'm really not into guys so if you come across as one I'll pass, which makes it seem like I'd be wasting both of ours time by not going for a woman to begin with.

I don’t know why it would matter? If I’m attracted to them and they’re nice to me there’s no reason not to

I was never interested in dating anyone queer while I was looking. it's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for. I more want a regular guy who wants to be the dad and who will likewise let me be the mom. new boyfriend is like that and we're happily getting to know each other.

Don't know. Probably not. I, straight female, have been attracted to straight presenting males since as long back as I have memories. But if I was prepubescent now and going forward, who knows, maybe my attractions would have changed?

I'm married to a non binary person.

If one would, you would assume that makes them pansexual instead of straight. no?

I’m aromantic so perhaps my view of “dating” doesn’t fit. And, before I say anything else I should preface that the sexual preferences of a random internet stranger (me) should not be taken as indicative of universal self worth or appeal. You are valid regardless of the opinions/proclivities of others, especially random internet strangers like me lol

Anyway, I am kind of on the ace spectrum. I’ve only really been with cis women and with them I’m just indifferent to sex. I thought it would be the same for men despite not feeling any attraction whatsoever towards them, so I decided to experiment.

Turns out I was quite wrong and I am actually viscerally repulsed by both men and male genitalia. I can’t just power through the grossness like I can with others.

So, I would be quite hesitant to date a nonbinary person with male genitals. My gay friends were very chill with my reaction in the experiments lol, but I get the feeling that if I did end up having a reflexive negative response to a nonbinary person, it would probably increase any dysphoria they feel and I don’t want to to do that to anyone.

I also dont feel attracted to anyone with facial hair (regardless of “biological sex”) so that might cut down on the nonbinary population I would have a desire to date too.

The main point Id like to make here is that gender in general stupid for many reasons including, in my opinion, trying to define attraction. I don’t care what pronouns someone uses or if how they dress aligns with a specific gender or what social norms they adhere to specific to genders. What is most important to attraction is, specifically, attraction.

Does this person have the seemingly random traits my brain likes and not the ones it dislikes? Great. Maybe for some people those attractive or repulsive attributes fall along gender lines perfectly but I seriously doubt that’s the case for anyone especially since gender lines are more gradients than lines in the first place.

I would probably be fine dating a nonbinary person who has the traits which I like (physical and non-physical btw, like idc if someone’s hot; if they’re rude or cruel to others, they can gtfo) and not traits I dislike but that’s kind of as specific as I can get and none of my attraction/repulsion stems directly from gender.

Anyway, I again would like to tell anyone reading this that if someone (including me) doesn’t find you attractive, it should have no bearing on how you see yourself or your perceived self worth. Tell yourself “they don’t know what they’re missing” and keep on being you because you’re awesome and they’re just some idiot whose opinion shouldn’t matter to you anyway. (Plus there is plenty more to life than sex, I mean who cares about sexual attraction when there is cool physics and mathematics to learn right?)

If we got along and I found them attractive, sure.

Are they going to put up with me playing copious amounts of city building games, my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game, and never shutting up about Aztec history?

Within reason, yes. Not looking for anything complicated.

No, don’t think I would. Because it would probably clash with my religion and beliefs.

EDIT: I blocked the guy, that commented on me. So if someone decides to comment on these replies, I won’t be commenting back. I’m willing to chat but refuse to entertain trolls, baiters and people who want to argue to just stir things up. Not worth the time, energy and effort in all that.

(answering as though I were single of course)

I would date them if I found them attractive (which implies more femme than not) and if they have a vagina, regardless of whether they always have.

No, because I'm not dating at all.

I wouldn't rule it out. Would really depend on the person.

Yes. If they look feminine and their AGAB is female and I find them attractive and enjoyable to be around. Relevant to your question - if they check the first two boxes, then while intellectually I can appreciate that they see themselves as not fitting into the traditional feminine category, my dick will disregard this and say "THAT LADY. WANT FUCK." And if this person wants to use they/them pronouns and checks all my other boxes, then their nonbinary status is essentially irrelivant to my descision making process.

Probably not. It would depend on their biological sex but really, why deal with that when it's so easy to avoid?

I’d be surprised if a straight dude would date a non-binary person with a dick. Less surprised but similarly with straight women and vaginas.

I would but only if there's no drama (their personality). Dont know what AGAB is but as long as we're both focused on building our future together, sounds golden mate

I would. Why not. I've always been attracted more to the person than the meatbag they occupy. I've also never thought as myself as straight or bi, I just like what I like and don't think about it too much. I think it was Michael Stipe who said something like he's not bi, he's sexually open to everyone. I think I'm sort of the same.

I wouldn't rule it out. But maybe I'm not fully straight either, even if I only dated women so far.
The only deal breaker I can't see myself getting over is if they had a sex change operation.
Something about that just kills the attraction for me on an instinctual level.
That doesn't mean I think it's wrong to have one (it's not my place to judge that at all) or that I'd respect them any less, I just can't see myself dating someone who had one.

I still don't know what that means.

Probably yes, to me it is not really important how they identify.
The only label I'm interested in is if I like a person or not. If they plan to change that person in the future, is possible that in the future I don't like them anymore but that can happen anyway without any planned change.

Yes.

I see two scenarios. One, they catfish me if they can pass for a regular straight man. How I react to this when I find out will depend a lot on their personality and how everything unfolded, but it's very likely I'd be very angry about them lying.

The other scenario is one in which our personalities click really well, so well we would be besties. But the advances would theirs. Again, how I respond to these advances would vary a lot but if we already have that exceptional affinity then it's likely to go well. I think looks would be important here, they don't need to look masculine but they would need to have somewhat conventionally attractive features. I'm boring and limited like that, sorry.