Ask Lemmy

If this is how my children felt, I would consider myself a failure. It’s not acceptable in a healthy relationship that the other party feel fear. For children, parents have even more of an obligation of trust and security. Anything less is neglectful and perhaps even abusive.

Failure of a parent

I went through a bad depression and one thing that helped snap me out of it was my kids being afraid of me. I felt like a monster.

I put in a lot of work and one day my kid said “I’m not scared of you anymore” and that felt really great.

It sucks that your mom is dismissive of this rather than introspective but parents are flawed, broken people. I don’t know what else to say except that if she doesn’t get it you’ll be able to leave eventually.

I hope for your sake she takes your words to heart.

Suggestion (Wild Ass guessing):

Parent: Never intended to hurt child, only wants „the best“ for Child. (At least their interpretation of the best)

Also Parent: Hurts Child because „the best“ is in fact against Childs needs an Child is caught between Parents intentions and their own interest.

Child: Never know’s when Parent will start a triggering conversation out of nowhere an is constantly distressed by Parents presence.

Edit: I think it’s difficult if you always knew your child’s needs better than they do when they were still small and suddenly they develop their own idea of life and it differs a lot from your own ideals. I hope I‘ll know if my kids are doing something actually stupid or just something I haven’t thought of or don’t like.

Rather disappointed, awful, like a failure. I'm the one whos supposed to be safe and comforting for them. Of course excluding when they do something bad as anxiety then is kinda expected, but even then the punishment is never unpredictable, cruel or malicious and there's ample warning before hand.

Though i do understand you, had the same issue when growing up, eventually went on to become kinda debilitating as i couldn't speak to her at all. Though there is some fault on her as well as she was kinda explosive and unpredictable. Never spoke to her about it, didn't have the balls/guts.

I'm not a parent, but I can imagine I would feel just terrible.

You seem to have a lot of anxiety about things in general. Are you talking to a professional psychologist or therapist? If not, it may be something to consider.

I would feel awful and try to fix whatever had caused/is causing that without burdening my child with any of the process.

This question is better answered by people with anxiety.

Most people don't understand anxiety and approach it in less than helpful ways when you seek help.

What we don't know is what you said to your mom to elicit that response.

Unless your mother has harmed or threatened you, you need to seek support to work on yourself so you can feel better.