Yesterday, I came to a break. I saw and felt the thick hair on my face that I left intentionally, wanting to maintain some sort of normalcy. I didn't like what I saw. I couldn't take it anymore. I spent a good amount of my afternoon getting it all off (self care takes a while hehe, still getting used to it).
Only after I finished did I think about it. It's gone now. The last bits of "guy" that I could meaningfully control right now were gone. I could finally look in mirrors, blank computer screens, reflections and not feel frightened! But it also meant that I had to answer to the most important person in my life, my mom. I could either bullshit it again or just tell the truth.
Walking into it, I set my expectations straight: I wasn’t looking for full acceptance or understanding like with my friends, at least not right away. I just wanted to stop lying. The one thing I can't force myself to do consistently is lie and avoid. It feels horrible to lie, it feels horrible to push the people I love the most away from myself.
I explained a lot of the way I felt before I accepted myself. It was a super slow process, but I finally came out to her. There’s still confusion and uncertainty, mostly about me being “too young” to know whether I wanted something like this, no partner (I also explained my aro/ace feels), or no children. I made it clear that I wasn’t backing down from my realization or trying to convince myself to “try being a man”, again. I already tried and that wasn't a me I could love. I can’t see a future where I live and present as a man, I can only see myself going through college, city life, new friends, a good job, and everything in between as a woman. If I can’t have that, I don’t see the point.
In the end, we did agree that what makes me happy is what should matter the most, and in the end she can’t truly stop me from doing what I want for myself as long as I don't hurt myself or others. She still worries that this will somehow impede my plans for the future or make me distracted from “bigger” things, but I’m not sure how to quell her worries because I don’t know what preconceived notions she has. I worry that the indifference/dismissiveness might turn into something worse if we don't talk more. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision in the long term or not, but I don't regret being honest and truthful. It's really helped me feel less guilty. For now, I guess I could say I'm in the clear.
I’m not at a stage where I feel I can tell her about clothes I’ve bought but hidden, new name/pronouns, my upcoming HRT consult, or any other affirming stuff I’ve done. I want to take this slowly because I feel the ball is in my court now. Besides all the stuff I’ve read about and the medical/science support of transition, is there anything I can say that might meaningfully help someone that is somewhat confused/averse but willing to listen?