Ask Lemmy

A crow on the orient express.

Insides Out. A Pixar horror film.

Jaw.

A very impressive but ultimately harmless piece of shark jawbone washes up on the beach of beautiful Amity Island, where it is later taken to the city hall to be displayed under glass. The summer tourist season continues on with little to no issue.

James Bond: Singlepussy.

James settles down and gets monogamous.

Lord of the Fly. One man’s battle with forgetting to do up his pant zipper.

Gremlin (1984)

A 160 minute slog of an arthouse film presented in black and white with almost no dialogue, chronicling not much happening over the period of several days to the owner of a chronically cantankerous compact car, which he can't get to start and thus can't go anywhere. Unrated; for some inexplicable reason, also subtitled entirely in French.

Snow White and the Dwarf

Alien

The exact same movie again, with no change whatsoever. 10/10

The Incredible - Instead of his whole family being super, it's just him. He's hidden his identity his whole life and is killed by Syndrome trying to reclaim his glory days because there's no one to come help him.

Dead Poet Society - Just the sad story about the one guy who kills himself

One Samurai - Weeb who thinks he's a Samurai tries to defend the innocent. Gets killed on his first attempt.

The Magnificent One (so many thing this could turn the movie into but I choose to believe it'll end up about some religious figure)

Ghostbuster - Just Bill Murray being a quack scientist the whole time, or maybe Egon having a fruitless search for ghosts

One (previously Seven) - A documentary about some billionaire who thinks they're special and the only one who can save the world.

Star War - Stops after the first movie. Wait, this may make it better.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle - It's just the scientist on his quest to make the first turtle

The Musketeer - Given this movie exists and I doubt many people who watched it could even tell you what it was about, speaks for itself

Transformer - Documentary about the making of the first electrical transformer.

Tremor - becomes a movie about an earthquake that happens in Perfection. Destroys the few buildings in town and they are forced to rebuild or move.

X-man - Story of the last person in the X-men group, basically a rehash of Logan.

The Warrior - Yet another story about some special person in the distant past who's a great fighter or saves his village from some bandits.

Snake on a plane.

It's just one snake and Samuel L. Jackson stomps it to death in 2 min. The end.

Lotr: the two tower.

Something about a tower shaped like a two?

1 fast 1 furious

1 Angry Man

A League of Her Own.

Just 90 minutes of Geena Davis playing baseball by herself. Tom Hanks bullies her the whole time.

Christmas with the Krank

A yuletide tale of joy and meth

• A Fistful of Dollar
• One Amigo
• One Idiot
• Gone in One Second
• 1 Going on 1 (13 Going on 30)
• 1 First Date
• 1 League Under The Sea
• 1: A Space Odyssey
• 1 Maniac
• The Bird

Thing There Now

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6710474/

A League of Her Own

Geena Davis stars as a Dottie, a WWII housewife who thinks about playing baseball while her husband is away at war, but then decides not to and instead spends two hours tidying up the house and getting started on a casserole. The movie ends before the casserole comes out of the oven.

Children of Man.

The first element. (fifth element)

Avenger.

The Samurai. (seven Samurai)

Ocean. (Oceans 11)

The mighty Duck.

The Untouchable.

The Spartan. (The 300 Spartans)

Scrub: a reality show about doing the dishes

Beaststar: A rubber-hose styled cartoon series about a man's journey to create music and stage-plays for animals.

A Single Thing, In A Single Place, At A Single Moment In Time (Everything, Everywhere, All At Once): an avant-garde art-house flick featuring a single image of a random object that's displayed in complete silence for 2h19m. Each screening is unique, showing a different object every time.

One Night At Freddy's: a gaysploitation film about a one-night stand between Freddy and an unnamed male lover.

A Dungeon and Dragon: An Honorable Thief: a gaysploitation film about a dragon's relationship with a would-be Robin Hood who attempts to steal the dragon's horde before falling head-over-heels for the giant reptile. The movie ends with the thief convincing the dragon to be content with the love between them before distributing the dragon's massive wealth among the nearby townsfolk.

The Super Mario Movie: An Italian-American from the Brooklyn, New York discovers his extra-terrestrial heritage.

It's Life (IT Lives): a movie about coming to terms with hardship. The movie is presented entirely without character dialogue with running narration read from a detached perspective. The movie follows a professional clown who has become depressed by his job prospects in a world where clowns are rapidly losing popularity.

Jaw: a movie about a man with a prosthetic jaw. Will his prosthetic-induced speech impediment keep him from love?

Star War: an animated movie about an anthropomorphic star that goes off to war and returns with severe PTSD. Can the star's close relatives survive when the star begins to lash out with solar flares as a result of their trauma?

This is a Spinal Tap: an educational documentary about spinal taps used to help train surgeons about when to use a spinal tap and how to administer one.

Reservoir Dog: a documentary about a stray dog who lives in a reservoir. There is nothing special about the dog. The only dialogue comes in the form of candid interactions between the stray dog and various humans who come into contact with it. The final scene shows the dog being brought to a shelter by animal control where it is vaccinated and nursed back to full health, before eventually being put down as no one wanted to adopt it.

No Country For An Old Man: a documentary about a man who, due to being born homeless during a time of strife and rebellion, grows up to discover that he lacks any form of citizenship or birth records. The movie follows him as he finds himself caught in bureaucracy, bouncing from country to country as each one deports him in spite of his appeals for citizenship on the grounds of statelessness. The movie concludes with him dying homeless and alone, without any possessions or friends. He is buried in a pauper's field, his body unclaimed and unnamed.

This was fun, but jesus christ this got dark. I know This Is (A) Spinal Tap and It's Life/IT Lives is a stretch regarding the titles, but they seemed fun to do.

Some opposites:

The Godfathers: a bunch of men fight with each other over who should be the Godfather to their best friend's children. There can be only one.

Jurassic Parks: oh no there are more of them.

The Terminators: OH NO THERE ARE MORE OF THEM.

Shawns of the Dead: during the zombie apocalypse, a group of men discover that only people named Shawn are immune to the z-virus. The twist comes when one of the Shawns comes out as trans and is immediately overwhelmed by the virus after announcing her new preferred name to the group of surviving Shawns.

Uppies! (Up): A cult animated movie created by a small team of furries about cute animal-people asking/begging humans for uppies.

Yep! (Nope): A live-action movie about a horse ranch and a helpful eldritch alien with a can-do attitude.

Edit: did some formatting stuff.

The Bird. Movie about one bird being a bird doing bird things.

Alien (1986), not to be confused with the first installment of the series, Alien (1979) or its subsequent third, Alien 1 (1992).

1, the story of King Leonidas’s foolish attempt to take on the entire Persian army by himself (Runtime: 3 minutes).

One Shade of Grey, the story of one man’s quest to change the industry standard Pantone color palette.

Hans Molemen presents: Man Getting Hit by Footballs

Plane, train, and automobile.

A story about a guy who makes his train to the airport, gets on his flight home just fine, and gets picked up by his family when he gets there.

War of the World. It’s a sad and long documentary about how and why we wage war with one another.

One Arabian Night. Sheherazade fails to tell more than a single story.

One Dollar Baby

One man and a baby.

The tale of a carjacking gone wrong.

The Stooge

1 First Date

Of Mouse and Man.

Scanner. A tale about a man getting frustrated at the manufacturer for his scanner dying because his separate printer ran out of ink.

Jaw, a mystery thriller about a murderer who only leave the jaw behind.

48 hour

A horrible, badly dubbed and sterotypically racist remake starring Dat Phan and Kathy Griffins understudy.

Alien...

It Lives - Roddy Piper discovers some special glasses that reveal one evil alien hiding among the populace. He has a 20-minute fight with Keith David over who gets to kill the alien. They kill it and then the movie ends.