Ask Lemmy

My mother's love.

I think it might be conditional...

My inner child refuses to believe such a harsh truth... but they said a lot of ableist shit and inheritance is conditional on whether or not I can act "normal".

So yea... that childhood memory of my loving mother, all the times I cuddles with her as a kid... I feel like my world is shattered

but emotions are a very weird thing...

I feel... like... very emotionally attached...

idk why...

logically I shouldn't feel too much about these ableists... but deep inside I still crave for affection...

because like...

the idea of your birth mother rejecting you after all this time of being together...

it feels so fucked up...

Its not just about the money, it just feels so... rejected...

Like she's in my mind forever tormetting me...

Like she frequenly jokes like: "Hey I kinda wanna sell everything and just spend it all on out retirement and leave y'all with nothing since y'all [me and my older brother] never listens to us"

I mean... sure she has the legal right to do that...

but still...

after all we've been through?

after how much I helped out with their stuff?

really?

this is how you treat your son that loves you?

that is so emotionally obsessed and attached to you?

after you've been smothering me, never allowing me to grow, never allowing me to learn independence, intentionally making me so used to being dependent on you?

mom, what the fuck did you do to my brain?

it hurts so much

I'm so confused.

(sorry if it kinda felt a bit rant-like)

Regularly inhaling combustion fumes is bad for your health no matter how you try to rationalize it. Yeah, more smoke is worse than less, and not all smoke is equally toxic - but it's all bad and should be avoided.

There's nothing new since the last one, but the last one was a big one, one that apparently everyone was aware of besides myself: I DO have temper management issues and, before I irreparably fuck up my life, my afterlife and others' lives, I need to completely rethink my reactions and why I have them, and may God help me get better. I had this train of thought about a year ago and I haven't had any fights since. I know most folk here dgaf or are even offended by it, but I think God did help, and not just the internal psychological changes that happen due to not knowing what to do and asking help from Him.

That everyone around me is gonna magically become healthy again.

The problem is, it's only possible to know you were lying to yourself about something once the lie has been exposed and realized. The revelation most likely comes from an external source since the human mind is so good and not seeing things that don't fit into your beliefs.

That my snoring is sleep apnea related. I'm pretty certain it is at this point, but I'm dreading the cost of getting a sleep study done and the cost of a CPAP.