Well, we’ve made it to the Strictly final! What an absolute pleasure it’s been doing this silly little column for 13 weeks. All that’s left now is who wins the glitterball.
Though we’ve got a looooot of dancing before that. Tonight, everyone dances three dances, so nine in total. Six of these we’ll have seen before, as they’re the judges’ choice, then their own favourite dance of the series. However, the show dance is completely new and showcases all of their best dance moves.
It’s looking to be an exciting night, and anyone could take the glitterball. But there’s only one way to find out, so it’s on with the show!
Strictly Come Dancing – the final
The show starts with a big group dance number that introduces the Strictly finalists. What’s already infuriating is that George just stands there while they’re being lowered; he barely even looks enthusiastic. Claudia’s jacket says “keep dancing” on the back, and I can’t look at Tess. She already looks like she’s going to cry. It’s going to be an emotional show, but it must go on.
The Dances – Judge’s choice
Amber and Nikita dancing the paso doble
Shirley shows up in Strictly training to tell them which dance they’re doing and to offer some advice. There’s a lot of her calling Amber a good girl, which I am simply not commenting on. I completely forgot this would mean Nikita would be completely topless and in leather trousers. Or as my best friend Gem renamed him, “Nipplekita” This was an excellent dance the first time and even more powerful now. In the Clauditorium, Nikita does some excellent hip sways while having to speak into a handheld mic cos there’s nowhere to put one. They score 39.
George and Alexis dancing the Vienesse Waltz
Anton visits them in the ballroom for some tips. He teaches George how to walk, which, let’s be honest, if he doesn’t know how to do that by now, he’s fucked. What I really appreciate about Anton is that even in training, he wears a shirt and tie. This dance was boring af the first time and it’s still boring now. But judging by the studio, he’s getting full marks. Anton’s response is “I am a great teacher!” They score 39.
Karen and Carlos dancing the Argentine tango
Motsi comes to Strictly training to give Karen and Carlos a helping hand. She tells Karen her legs need to be stuck together. What I love about the final is that you can go from someone dancing in a gorgeous dress to someone dancing dressed as a Peaky Blinder. This was fucking great the first time, but it’s somehow even better. They’re getting all my votes tonight. In the Clauditorium, Karen gets a big cheer for being from Birmingham. They score 40 and YESSSSS.
After the first dance Karen’s at the top with Amber and George in joint second.
The Dances – Show dance
Amber and Nikita
Amber reflects on how amazing Strictly has been, considering she was never supposed to be in the show. They talk about how hard it was being in the dance off, and Amber says she’s had to be kinder to herself. Their show dance is a gorgeous, sexy number. I actually screamed when the obvious outfit revealed happened. They do an incredible move that goes from Amber on Nikita’s shoulders to HIM sliding on the floor. In the Clauditorium, Amber gives a shout-out to one of the singers, Natalie, who’s one of her besties. They score 39.
George and Alexis
We once again get this “George self-confidence” bullshit that we had never heard of before last week. Again, they’re literally just jumping and flipping about with a bit of dance thrown in. The only difference is it’s a bit slower. Can already see all his loser fans crying that this is the couple’s choice he should’ve got. Anton says, “This felt like a metaphor for your whole journey” and I agree, but probably not in the same way. They score 39.
Karen and Carlos
In the VT, Kaz talks about how Strictly has lit a spark in her again. She says she feels like she’s part of a team again, and Carlos, of course, cries. They dance a stunning showdance and that’s my fucking winner right there. The feedback from the judges is weirdly mixed when they’ve been nothing but complimentary to fucking George. They score 37 and I echo Katya shouting “Are you alright??” to Craig for scoring it an 8.
After two dances, George and Amber are on 78 and Karen is on 77. The vote is opened by everyone turning into Tess, which is fucking incredible. Not ashamed to admit I’m massively into Kai in the eyeliner and fringe.
The Dances – Strictly Couple’s fave
Amber and Nikita dancing the jive
We see an incredible Strictly best bits from training VTs, including Nikita learning the Welsh for jellyfish. It’s a showstopping dance, but it did seem like they almost ran out of time. I can’t believe it takes this long for Tess to thank Dave Arch. Amber says as much as she’d love to win, she’d love it even more if one of her friends won. They score 40.
George and Alexis dancing the paso doble
Alexis has a cry about it being her first series. It’s probably a passable dance, not as good as the audience made out. I wouldn’t know, I went to the loo. George gets loads of praise for how much better it is than last time. And you’d fucking hope so, considering it was 11 weeks ago. Eww, I forgot how icky this weird harness costume is. They score 39.
Karen and Carlos dancing the jive
They talk about her drive and how much Carlos built her up. I love that this means that if she wins, she’ll lift the Strictly trophy in a glittery football kit. It feels so fucking right. It’s even fucking better than last time and it was incredible last time. This is exactly why she deserves to win. It’s like they’re all in competition to see who can make Tess cry first, but it’s fucking Anton that finally does it. By the time they get to Craig, she’s a wreck.
In the Clauditorium, Carlos talks about how he’s learnt to be a team player and he finally feels worthy of the show and everyone sobs their fucking faces off. You can totally see how much he’s worked on himself, though. They score 40.
Well, they’ve done all they can. The final leaderboard couldn’t be tighter with Amber on 118 and Karen and George on 117.
A bit of filler while we wait for the results
Whilst the last few votes go in and get counted, the contestants return for one final dance. There is one noticeable person missing, though, as Tom Skinner is fucking suing the BBC, claiming his vote was rigged. He also claimed this was the reason Tess and Claud left hahaha.
The dance is, as expected, fucking incredible. La Voix is lowered in on her now working, pink pony. Alex is in the tiniest, fluffiest dress. Kai and Vicky do Fight for This Love. Jimmy wiggles his hips, and boring Chris flings Nadiya about. Ellie pops out of a magician’s hat, and Harry does press-ups with Karen on his back. Stefan has a Neighbours opening, and Ross is also there. Lewis does a load of backflips, and Bal does her amazing couples choice again. At one
We see the public’s best bits, and it’s just a load of normies talking, but it does waste a whole five minutes. There is however, a massive tribute to Tess and Claudia at the end, and honestly, I can’t see how this show can go on without them.
When we go back to the studio, Tess and Claudia are sobbing their faces off. It’s a gorgeous tearjerking speech, but it gets interrupted by Craig, who reads a letter out. At the end, we find out the letter is from Camilla, which I could’ve seen a mile off.
And moving on from that tearjerker, we immediately go to a 5ive megamix. I saw 5ive live last month and it was honestly one of the best gigs I’ve ever been to. I have a fucking great few minutes dancing around my house to 5ive tbh.
The winner is crowned – our underdog comes good
So e-bloody-ventually we get to the final result. I’ve been keeping everything crossed that Kaz not only takes the trophy that’s righfully hers, but that the George fans fucking lose. And she’s only bloody done it!! Karen and Carlos lift the glitterball! Oh man I’m so happy, she’s such a deserving winner, who’s really grown with the competition. And her and Carlos were such an excellent couple. As an added bonus it’s proven that even the biggest loser fanbase can be beaten
Goodbye Tess and Claud and goodbye Strictly?
And with that all that’s left is for Tess and Claudia to say goodbye to Strictly. But I can’t help thinking where the show goes now. Not only were Tess and Claud an integral part of the show, but the show itself has felt so fucking odd this series. Maybe it is time to give it a rest for a few years?
Who knows what’ll happen next year, maybe a year off, or a Strictly All-Stars series. Or maybe they’ll just do a big reboot with new hosts. Whatever happens, it’s been so fucking wonderful to recap my fave show for you all each week.
Until next time (maybe)…
Keeeeeep dancing!
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