I thought this post would be a good start to my new PieFed account. I'm back to talk about myself here again after about 6 months.
I feel like I need to make another one of these for myself because in previous posts here, I have discussed things like imposter syndrome or not valid or worthy enough etc. I read the definitions and found the words for who I am way too late in life. And feel like I've come a long way in a relatively short space of time in this regard.
Right now I feel pretty confident saying that I no longer need validation from anyone. That's not why I'm here talking about myself this time. I am just here to start off this new account by saying to the world that this is who I am. And who I always have been, long before I started seeing characters that I strangely identified with or envied in media and finally started looking up the meaning of things like "non-binary"and reading about myself.
I get validated by the world now. From euphoria to ewwphoria to just connecting dots in my mind and making sense of memories and things I did and things I liked.
Appearance wise, an androgynous question mark is what I wanted and seems to be I've started to achieve, with less effort than I thought it would take. Really I'm returning to my style from after school was out and into my early 20s, before I retreated from the world for a little too long. And I'm not even half way there yet.
But in real world, shop cashiers are occasionally referring to me as not my agab (then getting squirmy and trying to correct themselves); and I'm 100% noticing a lot more men, always men (and always a certain archetype in certain kind of large vehicle) practically fucking leering at me out their windows as they drive past. Like, eyes on the road big guy. Actually everyone is a little different now, or I am and it's all in my head but either way the result is the same. Interactions in the real world are validating as fuck now.
And on mainstream social media, where I've got pictures, people are frequently referring to me with pronouns and words that don't match my agab. And more enlightened people use they/them. And once in a hostile encounter, I got referred to as "it", which bothered me for a while but now I think I'll own that too. And when you talk about something from the past relating to gender issues and someone that I haven't even spoken to since school gives it a thumbs up, it goes a long way.
I'm using a gender neutral name now on those platforms but even with my very gendered real name, at one point I got accused of pretending to be my agab by a dumb bigot. Which you know what, fuck yeah. I am not a 1 or a 0 and people that only understand binary don't know wtf to do with me. Even targeted algorithms and advertising, gross as those things are, are validating as fuck these days to watch try to figure me out.
And yeah, that's it. Like I said at the start, this post was just entirely about myself. And for myself too, I need to put this out into the world somewhere, so thank you for the space to do this. I haven't had any big "coming out" moment (although knowledgeable people will definitely know by now based and things I say and share etc.) and honestly the way I'm planning on doing it is to just be more and more authentically me until it gets to the point where if anyone asks and really needs us spelt out for them, the news won't be shocking and it'll be more of a "well duh" moment.
I just want to end this by saying that you don't owe the world androgyny or have to be GNC to be non-binary. Your identity is who you are, not who you appear to be and you are valid no matter how you look. This is just my own journey and my own way of feeling more like my authentic self. And in current socio-political times, I don't mind my appearance being a protest and a way to tell bullied people that they're safe with me either.
I am who I am, who I always was and who I am inevitably becoming. And I don't need anyone else's permission or approval to be me.