Relationship Advice

A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said "at least I didn't bash my head into the wall" as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.

That's a form of emotional blackmail. I put up with it in my first marriage. I will never repeat that mistake. Once it starts, it doesn't stop.

Run, dude.

You’re her security blanket, so why should she clean? She knows you’ll do it. You also need to stop expecting her to read your mind. And, don’t wish you were her, she’s likely much worse off mentally than you think. As for leaving her, you’re in a pickle as she will become a bigger problem the more you try to leave. You definitely need to share your concerns with her, and there will likely never be a right time to do it, but you’ve gotta do it.

As time goes by, it will be harder and harder to realize you are a hostage, but you will keep dying inside.

Unless, you refuse to avoid these issues and tackle them head on, understanding that she is responsible for her own behavior and not sacrificing your happiness just because her responses may be insane.

She needs therapy to work on her emotional intelligence. That can’t be you acting as therapist, it needs to be professional.

What you need to do is set ground rules. You’re in charge of your own life, no one else is. If you think her throwing a chair is dangerous to you, then you need to go seek safety.

You are not in charge of her. You are not in charge of her emotions. You are only in charge of you and your own actions, and how you react to external stimuli. You have to take care of yourself. It sounds selfish, it does, but often times we are perceiving our own distorted reality; and our responses, while they may help alleviate our pain in the short term, are not actually resolving anything.

That’s what 1.5 years of therapy has taught me. I’m on the other side of a 10 year long toxic relationship and finally feeling like I actually have some sense of self and now know what I want in life. I wish you the same, without the emotional baggage.

You need a clean apartment before you can get physical with your girlfriend? Thats very interesting, never heard that from a guy before...

My girlfriend is like that though. She freaks out if the place is dirty, in day to day life. I would say 75% of her bad moods is because the place is not clean.

I dont even see it, but ive learned to pay attention and clean a bit every day so she feels better. So its similar to your story above.

She’s using her emotional problems as a way to manipulate you and avoid responsibility. Is that something you want more of in the future? You are an ideal victim for this type of emotional abuse, and she’s unlikely to change without professional help. Are you staying with her because you care about her, or because you’re afraid of what will happen if you leave?

She needs therapy and you need to find a different partner.

From your description, it doesn't sound like there's anything you can do that can make the situation work. Seriously, this bit alone shows how fucked up the relationship is

I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said “at least I didn’t bash my head into the wall” as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.

I’m terrified that I will push her to hurt herself

My suggestion: let her and don't care. Yes, it's cold, but it's the only thing you can do. You can also make it worse by daring her to go ahead whenever she starts to threaten such. Be sure to catch it on camera, lest she accuses you of being responsible for it.

I've been in a relationship where the threat of self harm was used as a tactic to control my actions. They would threaten to do terrible things to themselves, and often follow through, at various provocations that they accused me of. They might be the ones being hurt but it is absolutely a tactic to manipulate and take power in the relationship. It might not be something they're entirely conscious of, and might even be an attempt to protect or defend themselves in a convoluted way, but in any case it's a blaring red flag and a sign this person needs therapy. It's up to you if you think this person might be able to work this through or is interested in healing and self improvement.

One thing you should know though, is that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. You are responsible for yours, and leaving, distancing yourself or cutting contact would be reasonable, rational, and possibly necessary reactions in this situation. What they do in response to that is completely in their control and not your fault.

Note: this comment started as a reply to someone else, but it got long enough that it seemed better to post as a top level comment instead.

The throwing a chair thing is scary. It's easy to excuse this kind of thing early in a relationship, because "emotional blackmail" sounds like a huge deal and it's easy to argue that "she's not intending to manipulate me, she's being realistic about her own mental health", but emotional blackmail doesn't require intention.

OP, if you're worried about her mental health around a potential breakup, then please consider how that same concern would apply for an actual relationship. When she says "at least I didn't bash my head into the wall", this sounds like it's her being honest with you about how her mental health is rocky enough that throwing a chair is a victory. That sounds like it must've been scary, even if you weren't scared for your physical wellbeing, and that can really take a toll on you long term, even if things don't escalate beyond this.

Consider a scenario where she is bashing her head into the wall, due to an emotional trigger that's completely separate to you (so you have no personal sense of duty beyond "this is someone I care about who is harming themselves due to ill mental health". Actually sit and ask yourself how you'd respond to that scenario, because it's the kind of situation where there is often no winning option on how to react. Physically restraining someone to prevent them from hurting themselves can be dangerous to both people, even when the restrainer has training on how to minimise harms, it also can cause an escalation of the emotional distress even if it is possible to do safely, and it's ethically dicey in a manner where even discussing things in advance doesn't make it easy.

I say this from the perspective of someone who has been on both sides of things. There have been times when I was too unwell to safely have a partner. It put us both through a lot, and though I was lucky I was able to repair our friendship after we broke up, it messed me up to reflect on how much I put my partner through. A counter example of a healthier version of this problem is that when I am especially anxious, I may dig my nails into my skin while trying to solve a difficult problem, often without noticing it. I discussed this with my close friend/housemate because they weren't sure whether they should try to encourage me to stop doing it when we were discussing something difficult, but I said that although this was technically self harm and not ideal, that this felt to me like something it's better to pick our battles over, because it wasn't severe and trying to stop it would cause more harm than the harm prevented. However, we both agreed that anything more than that (such as, but not limited to actually breaking the skin with my nails, or hitting myself) was beyond what was safe for either of us. For those more severe scenarios, we agreed that it would be necessary to pause the conversation and leave the situation to give me time to emotionally self regulate. This agreement was only possible because I was in a place where I was able to work towards developing better mental health coping skills (in part due to receiving ongoing professional support and also having other friends I could lean on).

OP, I am including all this detail to emphasise that I am as much concerned for the wellbeing of your partner as I am for you, but seriously, this relationship doesn't sound viable right now. Hell, even that living situation might not be viable, in terms of how difficult it can be to emotionally extricate oneself from someone you're living with. If that's the case, then I realise that moving out all at once would likely not be financially viable, and would feel like an excessively harsh way to end things with someone who you care about. However, if you don't proactively recognise the ways that this dynamic is already super unsafe and concerning, it just makes it more likely that things will continue getting worse until one or both of you breaks and you have to do it the abrupt way.

It is a difficult to handle situation, but it may be possible to handle it gracefully. A few pieces of advice (having been on both sides of this):

• "Break up" can feel overly final and it can feel impossible to do in a way that won't be emotionally explosive. Thinking of things as a "relationship de-escalation" can be useful — not just for minimising hurt feelings for the other person, but also for giving yourself the much needed emotional space to evaluate what your capacity is in this relationship. I cannot emphasise enough though that you should not expect yourself to be the sole mental health support provider for a loved one. It's not tenable, and will just lead to more hurt. If you're certain you want to end the relationship, then a compassionate lie may be to frame the de-escalation as a potentially temporary thing, as you evaluate your own readiness for a relationship. It can be tricky to do this well though, because you don't want to come across like you're bullshitting and this is just a breakup in disguise. It can be useful to ground this in actual truths, like "if we'd started dating and then moved in together after a while, it would have probably been more gradual. However, because we started as housemates and then this relationship took us both by surprise, I've been struggling to balance the intensity of "new relationship" feelings with what that means for people who are living together.

I do actually know a married couple whose relationship started in this way. They deescalated their relationship for a few months and continued living together as friends, because neither could afford new living arrangements. After things had cooled off, they re-evaluated and concluded they did want to pursue a relationship properly, but that it would be best if they were living separately (lest they doom the romantic relationship before it began, as they almost did previously, and worse, risk jeopardising their friendship). They dated, and after a while, moved in together and found it went way better when they had the space to gradually get there. My point here is that "deescalation" isn't a dressed up term for breaking up, but a legitimately useful thing to do regardless of where you see this relationship going in the future

• It's very important that the breakup or deescalation conversation does not focus on the cleaning stuff. This isn't about the cleaning stuff. That may have been what catalysed this particular stress point, but the problem here is something much deeper. You do not want to be in a scenario where the conversation becomes "I promise I'll do chores more". That will likely exacerbate existing insecurity problems, and it's not wise to put people in a position where they end up making promises they can't keep (or where you may be tempted to agree to their pleas.

• Similar but even trickier is that ideally, you want to avoid the conversation coming across like "I am not able to cope with being in a relationship with you because you're too ~~fundamentally broken to love~~ too mentally unwell for me". This is hard because unwell brains can sometimes make the most tactful discussion feel like a personal attack. However, this is why being proactive is wise — shaping the tone of the conversation is much easier if there hasn't already been months of bad emotions stewing on both sides due to increasing stress over a non viable relationship (which one or both of you may be reluctant to see). It's been a few years since I read it, but I think the book "non violent communication" has things that I found helpful for this kind of conversation (you can find it for free on Anna's Archive). If you end up using approaches from the book, tell her that — the communication skills that books like this teach don't necessarily sound the most natural, especially if this approach is new to you, and weird language/framings can cause anxiety to ratchet up to maximum if there isn't context. Again, here it's useful to pepper in some honesty: something like "I was struggling to effectively communicate my feelings about things like the chores, and after talking it through with a friend, I realised that I had been overly focussed on things like the chores, which made it seem like it was a problem with you; I think that maybe I had been focussing on the chores stuff because it seemed like an easier thing to focus on when I didn't know how to reflect on and communicate how I'm feeling about the deeper issue of all these sudden new feelings I'm having for you.". That's just an example — don't say things that aren't authentic to how you're actually feeling. Even if you don't use a book like that, try writing out your feelings in a sort of journal entry (something that's just for you to work through things) — sort of like you did for this post, but more centred on how you're feeling about things, especially after reading people's replies.

Finally, don't feel like you need to reply to this comment substantially, or at all. I know how overwhelming it is to get a big reply like this on an advice post. Even if what a commenter writes isn't particularly helpful to where you're at, it's always heartwarming and humbling to see someone put so much effort into a comment that's intended to try and help. I'm telling you now, don't worry about it. I'd rather you give yourself space to process everything here. Feel free to reply if you have the brain space though

If she threatens self harm when you leave call the police or social services and report the threat for them to handle.

Run. I am sympathetic to the whole sensitivity to criticism thing, and I even deeply experience it. But a big part of why my marriage works is that I found ways to be able to accept criticism early on in the relationship. I'll also say I've been pressured into things I don't want by a woman I was afraid would hurt herself if I said no. It turns out it's a pattern for her and it fucked me up mentally. What you've described is a relationship you don't want to be in with someone who isn't in a good place to be in a relationship at the moment.

Sounds like my ex wife. Listen to others in here. Get out now no matter what she threatens to do.

I am currently tackling the result of over 10 years of my partner doing similarly. It's absolute hell and the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed to tolerate their abuse had made me into someone I no longer like.

If I could go back in time, I'd do one of two things:

Present a clear and detailed list of your non-negotiable relationship needs, including topics like conflict resolution, personal accountability, and healthy communication. The needs are non-negotiable but you can and should work together to determine how they are met.

If that needs list and proposal to collaborate are not completely and enthusiastically accepted, run. Run far and fast. This person does not care for your needs and feelings, so it WILL get worse.

A lack of self-harm should be celebrated, not used as a bargaining chip or as a reminder that things could go worse if not for their self-control. Saying that in this context is an emotionally manipulative way to imply "If I do self-harm after our next argument, it'll be your fault because you drove me to do it".

All that pales in comparison to her throwing chairs. That's not an acceptable way to demonstrate you're angry or unhappy. This person seems to have some issues with emotional regulation, and you're on the receiving end of that. It sounds like this person would benefit from therapy and maybe even anger management classes.

If you're dead set on continuing this relationship, you'll probably want to get into couples therapy with a licensed marriage & family therapist so you can both work through your respective issues. If not couples, then go to one yourself so you can talk out your feelings with someone and get an outsiders perspective. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will be a partner in your life and who will treat you with love and respect.

Our therapist recommended boardroom meetings, which means we have a set period of time during the week to talk about the relationship itself: what’s working well, what isn’t, what needs to be said, or coordination for the week ahead. I used to feel like there was never a good time to talk about longer term or pervasive issues, but the boardroom creates the set & setting to do that.

Both partners focus on their own experiences and work towards not attributing blame to one another. Instead of you vs me, it’s we vs the problem.

It also acts as an anxiety escape hatch when you’re out in public. Maybe now isn’t a great time to talk about something, but talking about it at boardroom or having the expectation of it eases my anxiety. There will be a time & place eventually.

It sounds kinda funny, but it’s been really beneficial for us. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 12, with 3 kids. It’s not a ton of overhead to meet with each other once a week & be present for the relationship as the focus.

If you want to leave her, I think that's what you should do. Her actions as a result of your boundaries are not your responsibility. She has her needs, and you have yours. You are not her therapist. You can still say this in a respectful manner, doing your part. How she reacts is her part.

My "ex", that is someone I told from the start I'm not sure about this, which she said she was okay with, but then started calling it a relationship, also used self-harm and a bunch of manipulative stuff. She also had heavy BPD, which helped me understand some of her actions better. I don't blame her for the manipulation and everything, but I simply have my boundaries too. So when I broke things off as respectfully and considerately as possible, she went on a self-destructive binge for a couple of weeks. We became friends for a while afterwards. And she told me how much the "break-up" had hurt her, and asked me if I'd feel guilty had she killed herself. I would feel absolutely terrible. But I'd know it wouldn't have been my fault. Which she agreed with. I mean, for me at least, what's the alternative? Both of us living a vapid relationship that has no roots, out of fear?

Disclaimer: not a professional or expert in mental health, only experience is my own awful mess of a brain.

First, you don't have any obligation to endure any shit from anyone and would be on the clear to get yourself out. That said, I want to give you a very different perspective from the rest of the comments here.

Reading your post I felt very identified with your girlfriend, tho I haven't self-harmed and I'm self aware enough to have been straight forward with the partners I've had. When she says she's getting the cat food, or she's going to clean, or whatever, she actually means it, for real, but she's unable to get herself to actually do it, or at least to do it in time. This is very anxiety inducing, trust me, or even better, don't trust me and get some information on disorders that affect executive function, I'm suspecting adhd and/or social anxiety, but these usually come mixed with other several issues. Before anything she's going to need a diagnosis, other comments are advising therapy, which for sure is necessary, but I don't thing is gonna be enough, I'm afraid she'll need also medication—your brain gets so out of balance that's impossible to get it to work normally without adjusting its chemistry, if a ram or graphics card in your computer is broken no matter how many drivers you update, it's going to still act up or crash.

Best of luck to both of you and, as I said, this is only your responsibility to the point you want it to be, but at least give my comment a thought or even show it to her, because she does need help.

Maybe you can clean the house visibly—do it when she’s around, put on some music, etc. Then that may make it easier to discuss. Maybe you can get her to pitch in.

Life is hard but it could be worse! I hope there are redeeming qualities in your relationship as well.

If you want to break it off, probably you’ll want to move out to create some physical space.

Every relationship has some risk, as you noted. Do your best to support where you can and help her get to a better place. Maybe she’ll dump you instead! 😂 Teasing of course. Take care