No Stupid Questions

However she has become more racist and judgemental (anti-trans etc) in recent years. Hates Joe Biden and Kamal Harris but can't or won't say why.

I’m gonna guess that it’s because she watches Fox “News”, and that she can’t say why she hates Biden and Harris. She’s simply heard so much anti-Democrat rhetoric that she’s parroting it.

Ethically, the choice seems easy. While specific events may be unpredictable, the themes of hatred and authoritarianism were obvious to anyone who was genuinely paying attention during the campaign. They knowingly voted for a complete piece of shit. They voted for someone who had tried to overthrow the government when things didn’t go his way. He had already been convicted of bribery and sexual assault before the election even took place. The man is simply unfit for office.

Your level of resentment is by no means “locked in”. You have every right to be angry.

The best thing you can do is communicate. Talk with your wife. Show her your post. Don’t keep your resentment bottled up - that’s not healthy. Hopefully, the two of you can come to a solution that doesn’t harm your marriage. If her family doesn’t like it, too bad. Through their (deliberate?) ignorance, they helped create this problem in the first place.

I am of the opinion that not discussing these things is an analog to the Paradox of Tolerance, if not being exactly what the Paradox is about. If we don't discuss the hatefulness, then the hateful think they are doing fine.

Attacking only causes people to "dig in". Passive aggressive actions will make you look weak.

Being cordial while also calling out instances of hate as they occur would likely be fine. Be strong and confident, but keep corrections short and to the point (Imagine correctly a 5 year old. Understanding and care, not anger, and keep things in reality.) "That didn't happen.", "Why would a criminal say that?", "Toddlers visiting basketball plays, will reduce the average height, but no one gets shorter or taller."

fill your house with tons of progressive decorations. Lots of lgbt+ and such and a painting of biden above the mantel. really do it up. then have her visit as much as she likes.

Disapproval continues to be appropriate until they repent. Resentfulness harms only yourself, and should be avoided if possible. Overall I think you're walking the line pretty well so far.

Do they try to talk politics while around? If so I'd fucking unload on their sorry asses (depending on how the wife would react). One of the most common themes I've seen among supporters is they have a very small single issue they claim as the sole reason. So forcing them to address the full ramifications I feel is prudent.

If they don't try to talk politics, I'm not sure what I would do. But I'd definitely be making sure my wife wasn't enduring some extra trauma for the sake of family. You could try helping her realize she had the power to cut them out of her life and she can be just fine.

I can't really offer specific advice on this situation. I don't know. But I will say, in general separating from the person who's victimized by propaganda just helps the propaganda spread. A lot of this stuff actually has deliberate features and habits that it tries to instill into people, to make it drive away people who might talk sense into them and make it harder for them to hear sense if someone does say it to them.

I think you should view your MIL as a victim of propaganda, similar to a drug addict or a person with significant trauma in their life. A lot of them are victims. Of course, if she's telling you "I'm glad they're snatching all those US citizens and deporting them to hellish nightmare prisons in other countries just because they're Hispanic," then maybe you want to shun her. But usually what's happened is that they've gotten so twisted up in their perceptions that they think that what they're saying and supporting is something really good, and everyone should support it. The stuff that she is victimized by is incredibly powerful, it's not surprising to me that a lot of people get taken in by it.

Like I say it's hard to give general advice about what you should do. But this may help you to be more gentle with her even if you are aware of the hatefulness at work in the stuff she was victimized by and have some understandably big feelings about it.

To your edit... it rather sounds like she is in fact MAGA and doesn't want to admit to the "why". there's really not very many people who were both willing to vote for trump a second time and aren't MAGA, even if they don't want to admit it.

from an ethics stand point, I'll remind you of an old german saying. "If 10 men are sitting at a table with a nazi, you have 11 nazis." You cannot look at trump and honestly conclude he's an acceptable (never mind good,) president without also agreeing with his fascist and tyrannical bullshit. if she's genuinely unhappy with the status quo, she can show it by protesting or something. Until then, she's still a trump supporter and still part of the problem, and there is zero excuse for not knowing what he was about. he said he was going to do everything that he's doing. (well. maybe not the ballroom or shitting himself, but details.)

but none of us are the ones you need to be having this conversation with. we can't decide what's right here... that's a personal decision you need to make with your wife.

Put a rainbow flag in the room where she sleeps. 😋
Maybe a picture of Reagan with quotes of how Russia is the enemy, and tariffs are bad for everybody.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to avoid your MIL. I also think it’s reasonable for your wife to maintain the relationship.

Can you use her visit as excuse to take a vacation—alone or with friends—or visit your family? Given the circumstances, I think avoidance is a perfectly valid option. Get some you time if your wife is cool with it.

These people are guilty of crimes against humanity many times over. Crimes against the American people, war crimes, treasonous acts against the constitution...you name it.

You shouldn't feel obliged to entertain people who support that. Zero consequences for these people means zero reconciliation for their atrocious behavior.

In the wise words of Christopher Walken:

This is not an ethics question; it's an emotions question. You are angry, becoming angrier, and hold her in part responsible for the reasons you are angry. What you do about it could become an ethics question if you engage in something extreme, but otherwise - who cares? Think about how actions might affect your relationship with your wife then choose what you want to do.

Do they show any kind of remorse, like "I didn't think it would be that bad", denial "I don't believe [bad thing] actually happened", or are they straight-up going "serves them right, fuck them kids"? If it's the third option, I wouldn't even let them into my house anymore.

Usually I'd think that a person's political opinions /choices are their own and they're entitled to it and we shouldn't allow it to divide us but your country is fucked. What's been happening and the atrocities played upon the people in your country is beyond fucked and appalling. Unless she is able to see this and regrets her decision, I believe she is still responsible and complicit to what is happening.

This is a real extreme circumstance what is happening in your country and my comment is really on the exception here. Those who voted Trump and still don't regret it are fucked in the head somewhere.

Besides voting for Trump, is there anything else problematic with her behavior? Because, you know, everyone can make a mistake, and being a family is about doing your best to accept people regardless of their flaws.

You say she’s not MAGA, so is it her forcing you into unwanted political conversations or is it the other way around? Because if it’s you who’s constantly pressuring her on his this issue, it kinda isn’t fair for you to complain about it.

I would make myself scarce and hard to find

I should preface everything I'm about to say by saying there is probably a reason you are married and I am not, and that my response is probably wrong.

I lived a somewhat similar experience during his first presidency and COVID. Personally, I would have the most issues with my partner. By ignoring the abhorrent behavior and decisions of their family and choosing to interact with them anyway, they are condoning what their family is doing. Even if they are somewhat vocal in their disagreement, the family is avoiding the consequences of their actions since the spouse is still giving them what they want.

If my spouse shut them down and called them on all of their bull shit, I'd probably be OK with them continuing the relationship, but most people aren't willing to do that.

Your wife made the decision for you collectively not break off the relationships all together. I understand that you don't like it. The adage that blood is thicker than water applies here on top of any other concern. And that's why I would tread carefully in the interest of your marriage. Another folk wisdom is that morals are something you need to be able to afford. And my guess is you will not be able to do so here in the way you would prefer. While her family is at your house, you mustn't tolerate any bullshit and you should be free to express your dismay at the protofascist state of affairs. But I would keep it at a non-shouting, non-hostile level. Your wife has spent your morals money. Try to look at it as an opportunity to change minds. If they are at your house they cannot run away, you have a semi-captive audience, in which you can sow the seeds of doubt. If there is to be another election, this is better than a clean cut, breaking off contact, and entrenching opinions out of spite on their side. Grit your teeth and roll up that rock, Sisyphus. Calm arguments and facts, tackle the ball not the player. And find a way to channel your frustration elsewhere (punching bag in the garage, walk the dog, friendly ear that maybe isn't your wife's, etc.).

You don't have to agree with your family's politics. It's basically guaranteed a huge chunk will disagree with you on something. Just don't talk about politics with them since it upsets you so much.

It's perfectly reasonable to steer the conversation away from politics if it comes up, and if they insist, particularly at your house, be a bit more direct about not having political discussions over the dinner table.

Depends on how much you value your wife.

It's your and your wife's home. So your rules apply. Make that agreement with your wife beforehand. So there are no fights afterwards.

Things like;

1. She must not address you. Basically act as if the other person does not exist.
2. The visit will be as short as reasonably possible. For longer bouts with her daughter, your wife can visit her mother.
3. She must be humble and accept the extreme difference in views.