I woke up this morning and immediately knew something was wrong. The universe is meaningless. All that is solid melts into air. No matter what I do, it will be as irrelevant in 10k years as stone tools are today. I am a monkey that god ignores.

So of course I call the Make a Wish Foundation and see if I can get something to fill my final days between now and my natural death in like 50-60 years. I didn't ask for much, but enough to give me meaning in an existentialist sense as I await death. Maybe 50-60 cruises, trips to foreign countries, years spent having special days out with John Cena, totally up to them. If Spiderman wanted to surprise me with a cake every day for 50 years, I'd even accept that if they just include a little party or something.

They ended up gaslighting me about what a terminal illness is and then ghosting me. Apparently I'm too much of a "grown-ass man" to even apply. ATTA?

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[–] JoeByeThen@hexbear.net 11 points 2 years ago (1 children)

and my natural death in like 50-60 years.

Idk, you sound like an optimist to me.

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 10 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I told them climate change might kill me sooner so they'd only have to pay for like 20 backpacking trips and maybe buy me a dream house with a super cool space room.

[–] GriffithDidNothingWrong@hexbear.net 8 points 2 years ago

Realistically, some white toothed zoomer will be drinking soybean moonshine from your skull before the decade is out

[–] Leon_Grotsky@hexbear.net 9 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

They are the asshole; you should dump your gym, hire a girlfriend, and hit the lawyer.

Does a child’s illness have to be terminal in order to qualify for a wish?
No, a child does not have to be terminally ill. In fact, many of our wish children grow into adulthood and lead healthy, happy lives.

E) Here's a topical Mr. Show sketch

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 3 points 2 years ago (1 children)

The absolute hypocrisy of these removed. They grant the wishes of children who grow into adulthood and lead happy lives? I'M AN ADULT AND I'M NOT HAPPY. REPLY TO MY VOICEMAILS YOU FUCKING removed.

[–] Leon_Grotsky@hexbear.net 3 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Suing the Make-a-Wish foundation to the tune of

checks notes

court mandated visitations by John Cena and a $30.00 gift card to Cheesecake Factory

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 2 points 2 years ago

If it has to go to court, I will bring the pain. The Make a Wish Foundation will rue the day they fucked with me. $30 gift card per week like child support.

[–] Frank@hexbear.net 7 points 2 years ago

yes-chad

[–] Evilphd666@hexbear.net 7 points 2 years ago (1 children)

theory-gary life is a terminal illness. Therefore I am entitled to siphon off dying kids.

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 8 points 2 years ago

That's what I tried explaining to them. They said "But the children we help are dying" and I screamed "We're all dying. The French even call orgasms la petite mort".

[–] muddi@hexbear.net 7 points 2 years ago

Soo.... something no one tells you, because we all agreed not to let you in on it....we are all philosophical zombies, and the universe was created last Thursday. You are the only actual sentient being, and everyone has been bending over backwards to keep up the rise for you.

The goal was to get you to realize all this by yourself, but I just can't hold it in any longer, sorry to everyone

[–] Findom_DeLuise@hexbear.net 4 points 2 years ago (2 children)

years spent having special days out with John Cena

I don't think I could see him agreeing to this

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 5 points 2 years ago

Not like every day. He could have a break every now and then to be with his family or whatever. I just think it would show he really cares if he spent most of the next 50 years showing me I'm the special boy who deserves my own special day.

[–] GriffithDidNothingWrong@hexbear.net 3 points 2 years ago

Maybe you've already had them, you just couldn't see him. Maybe John Cena is with you right now

[–] infuziSporg@hexbear.net 3 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Make A Wish is truly a bandaid solution.

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 3 points 2 years ago

Under communism, all people would be granted wishes according to their need. We would not limit it to the dying child bourgeoisie.